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Iso frum, honest,smart, psychologically aware mentor/rebetzi
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Feb 05 2018, 9:53 pm
R sholom is practically impossible to get hold of.
Hence the problem.... the few that are out there are so overwhelmed, they're not accessible.
Saddle brown- if I had found that person, I would be speaking to them!
I haven't!
I've seen a frum therapist in the past, but she had no answers for me... she was just as upset as I regarding struggles in our culture- and nowhere to turn.

I see a top notch- Jewish but not frum therapist, and we both know that this specific medical issue/emunah is not something we can get into in therapy- because of our belief systems.

I'm sad and lost for myself and the countless others out there who have nowhere to turn, when they're struggling.

I'm always feeling like it's not ok to question and ask or admit that I'm struggling In certain areas of Judaism.

I'm not off the derech... I'm that amazing, strong, frum, normal, healthy, community woman.

I know so many of us struggle in similar ways.
There tends to be stigma, shame, secrets, fear... about discussing or admitting.

And my LOR, as well as another popular rabbi in the ny area, have not shown enough awareness or strength to adress my concerns (in general) head on!

(Bh I had enough seichel not to listen to their recommendations in the past!- and I'm no Jew hater! They were just not psychologically savvy enough to guide me, on those particular issues).
That was very painful!

My medical struggle brings all these feelings up.
It's just one more thing to add to my list.

I feel like we should each be able to name at least a few accessible mentors, and as most of us are stumped- we see how pervasive this problem is.

Were loosing a lot of kids and even adults.
How can we- as a community/culture be more proactive?

I think it starts here.

So please... try to help me find that accessible, intelligent mentor, for this particular issue, as well as for many other issues.

And maybe we can figure out a way to compile a list of mentors, rabbanim, or rebbetzins that can make themselves available.
maybe more need to be trained??


What do you think??
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relish




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 05 2018, 10:08 pm
amother wrote:
Op here- it was regarding a pretty serious medical situation and was posed to r Chaim Kanievsky. 3 times- in different ways in order to make sure all issues were addressed.
I was told not to delve any further and I can't/ won't go against it for many reasons.
I want to trust it but I'm so afraid.
My husband is very firm that if that's what r Chaim's said- there are no worries anymore, and I can't and shouldn't ask more.
It's scary to me not to listen to r Chaim but Im worried and have no peace.
Also, my doctors don't stop pushing me to look further.
I feel so stuck and need chizuk in emunas chachamim and emunah in general.
I'm a deep thinker and simply being told "believe and trust" seems easier said than done. I struggle with it in many areas.
I don't have a rebbetzin or rav or anyone to discuss this with- for various reasons that I can't discuss here. It will completely out me.

Please recommend someone.

I know that my following comments may be a bit off topic, but....
I know I'm not the only ultra frum women with hashkaphic struggles... we need more people out there who can be there for us...
And by the way- I'm ffb, grew up in the strongest Torah environment, I'm married to that very respected public figure in your community, and I'm the mentor people turn to for help.
And yet.... I struggle badly on a personal level.
I so badly want and need to "feel" yiddishkeit and appreciate all it has to offer, yet I'm upset and let down with many aspects and want to help make change.
I'm not here to bash!
I don't want personal opinions on r Chaim's answer to me...I'm looking for that trusted mentor to guide me, in this area and the many other areas I (and I'm sure many of us) struggle with.


Op, what are you looking for the mentor to help you with exactly in this specific situation?

Teach you how to believe and trust?

Listen and empathize?

Give you strength to stand up to the doctors?

Help you access your gut feeling about the situation, so you can address it properly with your husband?

Perhaps you don't feel that right now you should be listening to the rav, and that thought scares you?

Share a dvar Torah with you to give you chizzuk?

If any of the questions above resonate with you, think about it a bit more and formulate your thoughts into words. What do you need right now, in this situation?

You are clearly uneasy about something. When our bodies have a response like this, it is a message to us. When we tune in and really listen, we can sometimes begin to solve our own problems, by becoming more specific as to our needs. Once we are more zoomed into the specifics of our needs, it's easier to find a shaliach to help us fulfill those needs.

So look at the questions I wrote, and use them as a base to start with. Expand on them if you can, or come up with your own questions. By taking that first step, you will hopefully feel calmer, as your body senses that the issue is being addressed.

Also, by realizing exactly what you need, you may be able to post your question here, (without having to share the specific medical details) and get some chizzuk from some of the amazing posters we have here.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Mon, Feb 05 2018, 10:29 pm
I think it's a very personal thing, and what works for one, doesn't work for another. You have to be able to connect with the person, appreciate their style, feel like they're real, they know their stuff and are not talking down to you.

I can think of some famous figures in the frum world, but I don't know if that's helpful to you?

Rebbetzin Dina Fink
Rebbetzin Esther Reisman
Tammy Karmel?
Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein?
Chani Juravel

Sorry if I'm off base. Even so, maybe it will jog some ideas.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Mon, Feb 05 2018, 10:41 pm
amother wrote:
Op here- it was regarding a pretty serious medical situation and was posed to r Chaim Kanievsky. 3 times- in different ways in order to make sure all issues were addressed.
I was told not to delve any further and I can't/ won't go against it for many reasons.
I want to trust it but I'm so afraid.
My husband is very firm that if that's what r Chaim's said- there are no worries anymore, and I can't and shouldn't ask more.
It's scary to me not to listen to r Chaim but Im worried and have no peace.
Also, my doctors don't stop pushing me to look further.
I feel so stuck and need chizuk in emunas chachamim and emunah in general.
I'm a deep thinker and simply being told "believe and trust" seems easier said than done. I struggle with it in many areas.
I don't have a rebbetzin or rav or anyone to discuss this with- for various reasons that I can't discuss here. It will completely out me.

Please recommend someone.

I know that my following comments may be a bit off topic, but....
I know I'm not the only ultra frum women with hashkaphic struggles... we need more people out there who can be there for us...
And by the way- I'm ffb, grew up in the strongest Torah environment, I'm married to that very respected public figure in your community, and I'm the mentor people turn to for help.
And yet.... I struggle badly on a personal level.
I so badly want and need to "feel" yiddishkeit and appreciate all it has to offer, yet I'm upset and let down with many aspects and want to help make change.
I'm not here to bash!
I don't want personal opinions on r Chaim's answer to me...I'm looking for that trusted mentor to guide me, in this area and the many other areas I (and I'm sure many of us) struggle with.


I don't have any advice regarding your original question. I just wanted to share with you my experience.
When I was 17, I had a very frightening medical incident. My parents also were in touch with R' Chaim Kanievsky who advised them in a particular way and they listened. BH it is more than 10 years later and I don't have the problem anymore and it went away with minimal intervention, per R' Chaim's directive. Doctors were completely baffled.
I hope whoever it is has a refuah shelaima!
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strawberry cola




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 05 2018, 11:23 pm
rebbetzin Leah Kohn
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, Feb 05 2018, 11:56 pm
amother wrote:
R sholom is practically impossible to get hold of.
Hence the problem.... the few that are out there are so overwhelmed, they're not accessible.
Saddle brown- if I had found that person, I would be speaking to them!
I haven't!
I've seen a frum therapist in the past, but she had no answers for me... she was just as upset as I regarding struggles in our culture- and nowhere to turn.

I see a top notch- Jewish but not frum therapist, and we both know that this specific medical issue/emunah is not something we can get into in therapy- because of our belief systems.

I'm sad and lost for myself and the countless others out there who have nowhere to turn, when they're struggling.

I'm always feeling like it's not ok to question and ask or admit that I'm struggling In certain areas of Judaism.

I'm not off the derech... I'm that amazing, strong, frum, normal, healthy, community woman.

I know so many of us struggle in similar ways.
There tends to be stigma, shame, secrets, fear... about discussing or admitting.

And my LOR, as well as another popular rabbi in the ny area, have not shown enough awareness or strength to adress my concerns (in general) head on!

(Bh I had enough seichel not to listen to their recommendations in the past!- and I'm no Jew hater! They were just not psychologically savvy enough to guide me, on those particular issues).
That was very painful!

My medical struggle brings all these feelings up.
It's just one more thing to add to my list.

I feel like we should each be able to name at least a few accessible mentors, and as most of us are stumped- we see how pervasive this problem is.

Were loosing a lot of kids and even adults.
How can we- as a community/culture be more proactive?

I think it starts here.

So please... try to help me find that accessible, intelligent mentor, for this particular issue, as well as for many other issues.

And maybe we can figure out a way to compile a list of mentors, rabbanim, or rebbetzins that can make themselves available.
maybe more need to be trained??


What do you think??
[b]


I Cannot stress enough how badly we need this.
I am also in desperate need of guidance though in a completely different context and have no idea where or to whom to turn?!
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amother
Oak


 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 12:03 am
It sounds like people are expecting random rebbetzins to be available to fill the place of therapy.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 12:07 am
amother wrote:
It sounds like people are expecting random rebbetzins to be available to fill the place of therapy.

Where did you get that idea? She said she needs help with her emunah.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 7:05 am
This is a problem that starts in high school. Did you have a teacher/counselor to talk to then? And this lack continues on forev It is a HUG Eproblem.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 8:04 am
Oak- I'm sorry if you misunderstood... I specifically said I have a great therapist.
This is a emunah/hashkaphic question that I need a frum mentor to adress.

I so appreciate everyone's response.
It helps me feel less isolated!

Relish- I loved your post and it got me thinking.
I am in need of the following:
-Someone to teach me how to believe and trust
(Dealing with my worrying and fearful thoughts, is actually something I work on in therapy)
-Some tools HOW to stand up to the doctors and explain CONFIDENTLY that I've chosen not to delve further.

-What does it mean "that hashem "speaks through the mouths" of our gedolim.- and if so, how do we know/choose which gadol falls into that category (obviously r Chaim does).
But unfortunately there are rabbinim who advise and don't always get it!).
And also, I see and hear how many just write certain rabbis off and that in general lowers my respect and faith in the system! Is this a "pick and choose" at random game.
There's a part of me that wishes I could've been advised by a gadol that was more accessible and able to spend the time working through the emotional ramifications of the psak.
I had some wonderful teachers in school but I was not in a place to take advantage of them.
I've recently tried to touch base with one, who has become a busy therapist but she never responded.
The other has become a very busy public figure and I haven't reached out cuz I know she's crazy busy.
My situation is not so simple because of course many difficult life events have brought me to where I am today, and all my thoughts and feelings are filtered through that lense.
That's why I'm requesting someone psychologically aware.
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relish




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 8:59 am
Cobalt. I have a few suggestions.
1) learning to believe and trust may be available through secular sources. I have found the way it's broken down to be so incredibly easy to learn. There is nothing bad about the process. The resources just don't necessarily realize that the healing in the earth, etc, is provided by Hashem. If you want me to provide more information from secular sources, let me know. I can explain to you how scientifically, what they are saying makes sense, and how they just left out one piece, that connects it to Hashem.

2) A great trick that I learned from a dear friend of mine is as follows. Whenever you go to a doctors appointment, never make a decision on the spot. Always say that you will call them back after thinking about it. It gives you more space to find your confidence, and make decisions that work for you. Remember that the doctor works for you. The doctor is not God or a dictator.

3) I am not familiar with the concept that Hashem speaks through the mouths of our gedolim, but I can say this.
When a person is pure, and works on themselves, delving into Torah, and allowing it to purify them, that person can begin to see things in a way that the rest of us can't see them.

Some rabbanim don't know how to do this, and they have the holy job of rabbi. It's a zchus, and a chessed, but it's more like a job, instead of being an accountant. The rabbi doesn't allow the Torah to change him.

Perhaps you had that experience in high school, where the teacher is teaching a concept, but it's obvious to you that she herself doesnt personify that concept.
Would you go to her with a question in that Jewish concept, or would you rather go to the teacher who worked it out, and personifies that exact concept?

It's not that these rabbi's are bad. They may know Halacha better than your lawyer knows American law. Just they weren't taught how to allow it to change them, so they may not be able to see things properly, and their ego may get in their way when answering a question.

A true gadol, worked on himself to such an extent, that there is no ego. Perhaps that's what it means when people say that "God talks through the tzaddik". He has no ego to get in the way of a proper answer to you. He is not studying Torah as a job. He is studying Torah as a life source. He is completely egoless, and allows the Torah to guide his every thought, speech and action.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 9:51 am
There's a story told about the Chazon Ish. A man living in Eretz Yisrael had a potentially lethal growth in his lungs, and his doctors told him to go to Europe where the doctors might have a cure for it. He asked the Chazon Ish, who told him to stay put in Eretz Yisrael. He did, and recovered.

When they asked the Chazon Ish why he told the man to stay, he said that the Shulchan Aruch holds that this type of lung problem doesn't make an animal treif, since it's not lethal. And the Rema disagrees, saying the animal is treif since it won't live past a year. The Beis Yosef (Shulchan Aruch) was considered the posek of Eretz Yisrael, and the Rema was the posek of Europe. Their piskei halacha affect the realities in their respective jurisdictions.

This is a deep concept. Histakel be'oraisah u'barah alma. The world is created from the Torah. But where is the Torah? Lo bashamayim hi. The Torah is decided by our gedolim. Since reality is decided by the Torah, which lives in the teachings of our gedolim, it follows that our gedolim's teachings affect the reality of the world. (If you want to know more about this concept, Rabbi Akiva Tatz goes into depth about it.)

That's why the Chazon Ish told the man to stay in Eretz Yisrael. If he had gone to Europe, he would have died, as per the Rema's psak.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 10:44 am
If you are looking for a real person to speak and meet with, I would post some sort of location. I also agree with the question of whether you have heard a speech or shiur and hadn’t it resonate with you. Finding a mentor is a matter of personal taste. If her mindset sounded like one that clicks with yours, reach out.
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 06 2018, 6:05 pm
Would Rabbi Efraim Stauber's Bitachon Boot Camp be of some use to you?
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2018, 3:30 pm
amother wrote:
Op here- it was regarding a pretty serious medical situation and was posed to r Chaim Kanievsky. 3 times- in different ways in order to make sure all issues were addressed.
I was told not to delve any further and I can't/ won't go against it for many reasons.
I want to trust it but I'm so afraid.
My husband is very firm that if that's what r Chaim's said- there are no worries anymore, and I can't and shouldn't ask more.
It's scary to me not to listen to r Chaim but Im worried and have no peace.
Also, my doctors don't stop pushing me to look further.
I feel so stuck and need chizuk in emunas chachamim and emunah in general.
I'm a deep thinker and simply being told "believe and trust" seems easier said than done. I struggle with it in many areas.
I don't have a rebbetzin or rav or anyone to discuss this with- for various reasons that I can't discuss here. It will completely out me.

Please recommend someone.

I know that my following comments may be a bit off topic, but....
I know I'm not the only ultra frum women with hashkaphic struggles... we need more people out there who can be there for us...
And by the way- I'm ffb, grew up in the strongest Torah environment, I'm married to that very respected public figure in your community, and I'm the mentor people turn to for help.
And yet.... I struggle badly on a personal level.
I so badly want and need to "feel" yiddishkeit and appreciate all it has to offer, yet I'm upset and let down with many aspects and want to help make change.
I'm not here to bash!
I don't want personal opinions on r Chaim's answer to me...I'm looking for that trusted mentor to guide me, in this area and the many other areas I (and I'm sure many of us) struggle with.


You posed the question to Rav Chaim three times in different ways and got the same answer. Rav Chaim is an adom gadol and I wouldn't be surprised if he had some sort of ruach hakodesh. Rav Chaim is not in the same category of regular rabbonim who have siyata dishmaya when paskening shaalos. He is an extra special person.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2018, 9:08 pm
I agree! Of course I am listening to the psak.
I am looking for support to help me accept on an emotional level, to trust, to believe.
I am also looking for practical help in how to deal with the doctors who pressure me.
I've told them I'll think abt it, discuss it with my rabbi again, etc etc.
They all say they respect my decision... however it comes along with comments such as.., "don't you want to stay alive for your children... do the rabbis understand the ramifications"... and on and on.

And just so you know... I lost a family member to this medical issue- I'm scared and have experienced too much pain!!

Again- this just brings up so many struggles I have with feeling like I have no place to go with my struggles and emotions in dealing with many of the issues facing me, my family and many of us today.

I have yet to find the rabbi who completely understands and is knowledgeable in the psychological aspects.

I've been contemplating...
Maybe maybe rabbi goldwasser??

How can I get hold of him??
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2018, 9:33 pm
That sounds so hard! Hug

I googled and found this: http://www.rabbidovidgoldwasse.....t.php
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2018, 9:42 pm
Wow! Thank you for understanding!
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2018, 10:49 pm
amother wrote:
Wow! Thank you for understanding!

Smile Let us know how it goes!
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mommy4




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 11 2018, 7:18 am
Rabbi YY Jacobson is really good and very psychologically knowledgeable! He’s in Monsey but accessible by email for sure.
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