I cry at a Shiva house

amother

Bronze

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 1:50 pm

Whenever I go to a shiva house, I cry. I am extremely emotional and when the family talks about the niftar and all the wonderful things s/he did that no one knew about, I feel deeply touched. I can't hold back my tears.

I always feel so uncomfortable crying in front of the aveilim. I don't want the shiva call to be about me; I want it to be about them.

I once teared up when my friend was sitting shiva for her mother, and she saw my tears and she started tearing up, too. It was okay because we are very close, but sometimes I go to pay a call where it's not my closest friend sitting.

Is it okay to cry? How can I stop myself from crying?

observer

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 1:53 pm

Of course it's ok to cry! It's a shiva house! If anything, I would think it shows the aveilim that you feel their pain, I think that's very meaningful to them.

simba

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 1:54 pm

Do you cry out loud or just tear up? I think it is ok to tear up quietly, that is normal. If you feel the need to cry loud you should leave the room until you can compose yourself.

Iymnok

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 2:01 pm

I have seen strategically placed tissues at shiva houses. Quiet tearing up is fine. Sobbing should be taken outside.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 2:15 pm

I recently sat shiva for my mother and I think that's fine.

OMg, except one woman who was really teary and crying (not loudly or rudely & she was genuinely sad) but it just set us off and we all got in this crazy overtired mood and were laughing away and everytime we eyed her we just got all giggly like we were back in elementary school, and she got more teary and more upset with us. Oh gosh. it was so awful and funny and I still can't help but laugh when I think about it. Its just such a crazy emotional week. So if you feel like crying, go right ahead. nobody will judge. just don't judge the avelim if they don't cry with u Smile

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 2:31 pm

I burst out crying once when I saw my friend at the shiva house. It was an unnatural young death of a sibling. I was so embarrassed and she was so sweet about it. I'm scared to go back to a shiva house because of that.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 3:33 pm

It's ok to cry. It's not a wedding after all. But for the aveilim it is a comfort to them, but they can start laughing. not because they are making fun, it's just they get a certain power they are given to overcome the loss so it can cause them to be in a joking mood like my mom's sisters had, when their second brother passed away. Everyone was 40 & younger including the nifter. They could not stop rolling from laughter. but not when someone started crying it was the whole three days of Shiva.
Don't worry I also cry. But todays everything is PERFECT so its considered akward.

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 3:40 pm

There's plenty of inappropriate behavior going on at a Shiva house. Crying is not one of them.

(Telling the Avel all your tragic stories, or questioning the way things were done at the Levaya, or saying that the niftar is in a much better place and Hashem knows what He's doing, while all true, is inappropriate.)

Feeling someone's pain is what makes you special. As you said, just try not to make it all about yourself, but tearing up shows you empathize. May Hashem bring Moshiach so we no longer have to cry.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 3:47 pm

As long as it's genuine tearing up, I think it's ok. What I can't deal with is when people think they HAVE to put on a sad face. When my father passed away there were of course times when I cried but then there were times at the shiva when we (my family and I) were laughing too. For a few months, whenever I would meet someone who heard my father had passed, they weren't sure what to do so they would say "I'm so sorry" (which is nice) followed by a sad face/head tilt (which is annoying).

amother

Magenta

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 5:17 pm

Royalblue, I can't believe you mentioned the head tilt! This is what my family noticed when we sat - and of course once we'd compared notes during the shiva, we wanted to laugh every time it happened LOL

ra_mom

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 5:39 pm

I choke up when I say the pasuk of hamakom yinachem to the person sitting shiva. The words make it so real and the reality is really painful.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 7:20 pm

This was about divorce, not death, but couldn't help but think of it when the head tilt was mentioned.

OP, I get very emotional at funerals and shivas too. Sometimes it's about the nifter and other times it's just the situation bringing up emotions that aren't really about that person at all but either way it's showing a human side, a compassionate side, and I think as long as it's just tearing and not high drama it's okay.

amother

Salmon

Tue, Feb 06 2018, 8:07 pm

ra_mom wrote:

I choke up when I say the pasuk of hamakom yinachem to the person sitting shiva. The words make it so real and the reality is really painful.

When I was sitting, I found that pasuk the most comforting thing a visitor could say.

It was a bracha, a reminder of Hashem's involvement, an acknowledgment of pain, and a reminder that we're not alone and life goes on, all in one.

amother

Cyan

Wed, Feb 07 2018, 12:48 am

Thank you all for making me feel human, I did this by someone and thought it wS awkward. Thank you

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Feb 07 2018, 2:48 am

amother wrote:

Thank you all for making me feel human, I did this by someone and thought it wS awkward. Thank you

OP I couldve written your post! I often find myself crying and feel so so awkward and stupid. For this reason I try to avoid being menachem avel. Im glad to hear im not the only one.

Ruchel

Wed, Feb 07 2018, 4:30 am

You are you.
But know that as a person, I wouldn't want someone to cry "more than me", or "make me cry", when I am already not the type to want to cry. My husband also couldn't STAND that thing when he lost his dad.

amother

Puce

Wed, Feb 07 2018, 6:29 am

I sat shiva 3 tines, 2 tines for loss of parents and one time for tragic sudden loss of my brother so I’ve seen it all.

All I can say is that if the one who truly needs comfort ends up needing to comfort the comforter something is very wrong. & this happened to my sis in law many tines. Women walking in, bursting into tears & falling to her feet.
If u can’t hold it together when going to a shiva house, don’t go

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Feb 07 2018, 7:35 am

Jewishfoodie wrote:

“Oh my gosh, I didn’t know your mom was sick! You should have called me! I have remedies”. Um, she’s dead. And also she had a doctor. Why would we have called you?