The cleaning angel and the dysfunctional princess

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 2:24 pm

I rely heavily on cleaning help (I call it a cleaning angel, she comes 11 hours a week). But when she cancels...so L-rd help me. I can't rust pick up the slack. Why?
1. I'm a low energy person, at least these days
2. I'm running after 3 messy kids under 6 and have zero help from dh (he is home for an hour total a day).
3. I'm spoiled, grew up with cleaning help, and got cleaning help when I got married. I don't know how to clean.
4. I hate cleaning, it makes me feel like a slave.
5. I hate cleaning, I am sensory and super sensitive to smells and feelings on my hands.
6. There is no end! I could clean for 6 hours and there would be more. I just can't maintain it.

And most of the time, I can put up with the mess between my cleaning lady visits (I don't clean a thing on the off days though, laundry stays in the hamper, dishes stay in the sink. if the cups are all dirty well use plastic, if the pits are all dirty I'll order pizza).

The mess affects me strongly, it makes me irritable, depressed, and unable to focus on my kids. I just can't get myself to do it! When my cleaning angel cancels I cannot force myself to do it. The mess is so bad I just want to hide under my covers and watch TV. It is so chaotic and dysfunctional. I can't stand it, but I also can't get myself to do it! How can I get out of this?

perquacky

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 2:33 pm

Do the bare minimum. Vacuum. Sweep. Wipe down some countertops. All while dancing around the house. Make it as fun as you can. Fold laundry while you watch TV. Get the kids to help sort socks. Turn on loud music, put on rubber gloves, and tackle those dishes while singing at the top of your lungs.
(That's the one thing that bothers me the most. Dirty dishes in the sink will attract bugs. And the food will turn either moldy or hard like cement.)

Rachel Shira

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 2:42 pm

You’re entitled to whatever hatred of cleaning you have (I know, it’s no fun especially if someone else usually does it). But if just to help your kids learn to clean up after themselves, I would suggest that the days you don’t have cleaning help (and even on the days you do) you all pitch in together to make your house presentable. Make it fun in whatever ways you can. I think it’s important to teach kids that everyone is responsible for the upkeep of a house.

33055

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 2:46 pm

I don't understand how 11 hours a week is enough with 3 messy kids under 6. I have 4 times the help. And everyone is neat and picks up after themselves. Everyone must make their beds and keep their rooms tidy.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 2:48 pm

Squishy wrote:

thanks for saying that!!!

SuperWify

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 2:56 pm

It’s good you know you need to work on this.
My MIL had full time cleaning help her whole married life. Her kids (DH the least but still to a certain extent) are slobs who don’t even know how to make their beds. Any time the maid cancelled the quickly turned to a war zone.

Last week her maid from the past 4 years quit.

I’m scared to go to them now.

amother

Silver

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 4:43 pm

OP, can you do a little at a time, say I'll straighten up for 10 minutes. You'd be surprised how much can get done in bits and pieces.

amother

Jade

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 5:47 pm

amother wrote:

Did I just write this post?! The only diffrents is that I have 12 not 11 hours a week ( I don't think its a lot), I don't feel guilty about it, shabbos is the only day Im ontop of my house.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 7:48 pm

Wow
My cleaning help (2.5 h a week) had to go back to her country for a month and I'm struggling. 4 kids under 8. Tonight I bribed my kids to tidy up everything - a candy for every job. But I cannot imagine having 11 h .... what? Your houses must sparkle!

amother

Oak

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 7:51 pm

I hate cleaning too. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, anything I enjoy to make it feel like I'm rewarding myself while I clean.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 8:05 pm

I could have written this post. Except I have help 20 hours a week. She comes Monday-Friday. I feel really bad about the state of things by the time Monday arrives, but I just can't keep on top of it.

Frumwithallergies

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 8:35 pm

I use Martha Stewart lists for cleaning (found on her website). It helps me to have lists .... this keeps me sane.

Full disclosure, I have full-time help since I'm often not home and I need the babysitter to make sure my dc eat/sleep etc, however my kids are responsible for keeping common rooms tidy and making their beds in the morning. Everyone pitches in to clean for shabbos and pessach (yes, it's coming!) and my older dc have been taught to clean the bathrooms.

I also found a To Do list from a website for motzei shabbos which lists putting in a load of laundry (including the shabbos tablecloth). I find that by following that list, my house is not as topsy-turvy by Sunday.

OP, it's great that you've identified the problem. I'm sure that by tackling problems bit by bit, you will gain confidence! I'm sending you a virtual pair of funky, zebra-striped hot pink rubber gloves and enough Mr. Clean fumes to keep you buzzed Smile

unexpected

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 8:35 pm

amother wrote:

OP, can you do a little at a time, say I'll straighten up for 10 minutes. You'd be surprised how much can get done in bits and pieces.

I second this. Turn on the timer for 10 minutes or count out 100 things you put away. Get the kids to help you. If you can count to 10, you can put away 10 things. Kids love counting.

rachel6543

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 8:54 pm

Just throwing a thought out there I didn't see anyone else mention, but I find my house gets messier when I have "too much stuff". If you haven't recently, it might be a good idea to go through your stuff and see what can be tossed, donated or sold.

I don't know how, but I feel like we collect too much unneeded stuff, esp my kids with toys & papers (esp papers from school). I find it helps to get rid of unnecessary and extra stuff. Every few weeks/months I go through my kids toys and give away or toss anything that is broken, they have outgrown....etc. the same with clothing. Except for good quality clothing that can be passed down, everything else is given away. And I do the same with my my own stuff. If I haven't worn it in a year or so, it gets donated.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 9:10 pm

Just letting you know the older your kids r the more help you need. I started taking cleaning help when I had my 3rd. For 2 to 3 hrs a week and I managed just fine now I can use cleaning help every day. although I just have twice a week for a total of 10 to 12 hrs. But it's never enough.

polka dots

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 9:11 pm

This makes me feel so good. I don't have much cleaning help, just 3 hours a week, but I always wish that I would earn enough to have constant cleaning help. And a backup for when her kid is sick, needs to go back to her country, or her boyfriend is in the hospital. I always feel so bad about myself that I hate being on top of housework, but I do enjoy a clean home!

amother

Olive

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 10:01 pm

I would suggest two therapists, two doctors, two lawyers, and three cleaning angels.
This way there's always a backup plan.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 10:04 pm

Haha, my friend always says that every child should be born with a therapist. I guess you can add that every marriage should come with cleaning help

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 11:48 pm

I believe often it has a lot to do with how we grew up. my mother had a very good income, yet she never had cleaning help, she worked full time and more throughouit my childhood (which I dont think is the best thihng to do, but it is what she had to do at that time) and still she managed to do the entire household and help with her parents household (when they became older). im not saying our house sparkled at all times, but itw s clean and not messy and after a bdayparty or after a lazy day she would make shure to clean up or tidy up plus once a week she would deep clean the entire appartment (ok it wasnt huge and there were only the two of us, but still bare in mind she worked at least 50 hours per week).

so thats how I was raised. no compulsively cleaned environment but cleaning was concidered a normal annoying task that simply had to be handled and I helped as much as I could (depending on age etc...I wasnt forced itw as just natural).

now I have three cute kids b´´H under five and I take approximately 20 hours of babysitting and cleaninghelp (for when im at work etc).

im so scared that my kids will bve spoiled and will never move a finger hence I make sure that on the days my cleaning lady is not here they see me cleaning, tidying up, folding/ironing laundry and I ask them to chip in with music and I try to make it fun.

making beds and puting toys back they do naturally.

we also treat aour cleaning lady very nicely, she really loves us and we love her, she worked for us since my oldest was born and when a family member visits us he/she will bring a little something to her, they ask how she is doing and sned regards to her family etc. I think thats important. the kids should get the impression that she is help and not our slave. b´´H mommy is very busy and sometimes exhausted after the baby hence anna comes and helps mommy and NOT mommy cant or doesnt feel like doing her task hence she pays someone else to do it.

we discussed this with dh before we hired a cleaning lady- I hope my kids will be able to manage a household, I think thats really important.

so for your kids sake please do a little bit and try to make them chip in here and there. I wish your family all the very best and wish that they will always be financially in a stable place so that they can always have as much help as they wish, but what if ch´v`ch it wont be that way? I have heared of lacking shalom bays stressed out parents etc. when they suddainly struggled financially, then couldnt afford cleaning help, had to move to as maller house and on top of that were for the first time left alone in terms of household management.

I KNOW SCRUBBING BATHTUBS AND WASHING DISHES IS A PAIN IN THE *** we dont have to pretend its fun. but just think how blessed our children in law will be one day if our kids will be able to help here and there. it does contribute to a peacefull atmosphere at home I totally agree withe you and it is normal to feel depressed ifwe find ourself surrounded by clutter and yuckyness.

im sorry I dont have much practical advice except to handle things slowly, listening to music, doing the minimum, working with lists and rewarding yourself for small sucess (I think this has all been mentioned before).

all the very best!!!!

FranticFrummie

Fri, Feb 09 2018, 2:41 am

OP, I love this thread title SO much! As soon as I read it I thought "This has got to be for me." LOL

I hear you loud and clear. I don't have a child at home right now, but DH makes enough messes for a dozen toddlers. He'll only pay for 2 hours of cleaning a week, so I have to live with the mess for 6 days.

We never have company, because the place is always a disaster.