is this normal for teenage girl?

hindas

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 1:21 am

Hello, My daughter is 12 and half,however she is way into adolescence physically and very big / tall for her age. She has 2 older brothers, she is the youngest. We are chabad, she is at beit Chana.
For the last 6 months her behaviour has been dreadful. She HAS to know everything, she has to see everything, she seems to have lost all sense of boudaries, it sometimes feels like she needs attentiona all the time.
She spends hours looking in the mirror, asks me if shes fat ( she is thin )
We are doing our best with her,kep the boundaries, only argue the important things, all lines of communication open etc - but I feel sometimes like I want to run away from her.
Our boys were nothing like this at all.
we adore her love her very much and she knows it, but id like to fly out to HAwaii for the nextfew years.
Hinda

maidale

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 2:12 am

Oh, Welcome to the world of teenage S... I don't have any practical advice to offer you as my daughters aren't at that stage yet, but I'm the oldest at home with several younger sisters, and I got a 16 year old who is just STARTING to SLOWLY become HUMAN again. She put the whole family through hell while going through her tennage years, so GOOD LUCK and MANY HUGS... I must say it sounds completely normal what your're describing.... HAVE FUN IN HAWAI!

Love My Babes

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 1:44 pm

Quote:

Welcome to the world of teenage

u stole the words out of my mouth! altho I dont have teens yet, I have sisters, neices and friends, and was a teen myself not too long ago! altho I myself was not so bad, I know some girls who really go thru hard times. good luck is the best thing for u now!

chanachava

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 2:24 pm

As a mother of 6 girls, 2 who are now married, 1 out of teens and 3 more teens I have 2 words for you.....GOOD LUCK! The important things is to keep the bounderies, not take it personally and try to keep a sense of humor. And as with everything, this too shall pass and hopefully on to something better.
Let me know if you want to borrow my condo in Hawaii!

momluv

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 2:33 pm

chanachava wrote:

most practical advice!! my mother used it with us. we're 4 girls in a row and each with different shtick. we drove my mother nuts but.......she survived so far!!

Love My Babes

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 3:09 pm

chanachava wrote:

Let me know if you want to borrow my condo in Hawaii!

do u really have a condo in Hawaii? thats my dream vacation! (besides that I think the OP was joking because it says she wants to go for the next LOL

few years)!

hila

Tue, Oct 30 2007, 10:50 pm

My only advice (as the mother of a 21 yr old girl, 19 yr old boy, 16 yr old girl and 12 yr old boy) is pick your battles ! And dont forget to priase the good stuff.

Never go shopping with a teenager. ( your sense of beauty is not theirs) .

Set the limits . they need them.

never believe that "everybody does x y or z" check with the other parents. And even if some kids DO x y or z your kid does not have to be the same as them.

And know that if you cover your hair - no one can see all teh grey hairs the teenagers have caused.

On a moer serious note - there is a terrible plague of anorexia . Teenagers often have bad body image. Make sure she is not suffering from it and TAKE STEPS NOW to prevent it.
It is incredibly common in all frum communities. Beware

amother

Wed, Oct 31 2007, 10:49 am

Just want to add that if you set too many boundries she'll just do what ever it is she wants to do behind your back. I was a "rebelious" teenager just a few years ago and I know how these things go, so just be careful and choose your battle wisely.

ruth

Wed, Oct 31 2007, 11:38 am

HindaS

are you sure you're not talking about my dd? Maybe we should organize a shabbaton/retreat in Hawaii? (hindas - I'm sending you a pm.)

She is also just under 13, she is physically more mature and is very aware and inquisitive of the world "out there." She likes to read and read and read, but now its hard to screen everything. She has basically been pretty discerning however, she is very attracted to popular young adult fiction and its hard to know how much to allow.

We are planning to go to live in Israel and she doesn't want to.

She has a lot of questions that her teacher can't/won't deal with in class: questions about life after death (her father died a few years ago); why a woman can't be a rabbi (we had a neighbor who became a Reform "rabbi.")

I finally showed her frumteens.com We have a rule she can only read it when I supervise. I wish she would read the hashkafa forums. But she only wants to look at the "shidduch" stuff. Now I kinda of regret I showed it to her.

The school says she needs to be in counseling -- again.

She needs to be in some kind of youth group, but there isn't anything here except NCSY/bnai akiva. She is too old for bnos and too young to be a counselor...

I want to send her to sleep away camp in Israel. Any one know of a nice heimish tzniua sleep away camp?

Anyone have comments about frumteens.com? Please post or pm me.

JewishMother18

Wed, Oct 31 2007, 12:03 pm

OMG it's so comforting to read this kind of post - not that I wish 12 year old girls on anyone but I'm right there with you.

My 12 year old has been like this for pretty much the last 2 years but it's certainly got worse this last year.

The worst thing is that the biggest fights are always, always at the Friday night dinner table - she spoils our Shabbat every single week and it's so frustrating. My DH gets so angry and says "why on earth are we doing this - we should be secular for all the respect we're giving to Shabbat". It's so frustrating.

She changed schools this year - moving into junior high. She attends a very good Bnei Akiva Ulpana which is costing us quite a lot of money but we were very impressed with the school and the Rav is excellent. She insists that she hates the school and doesn't want to be religious. She has plenty of friends there but the majority of her friends from junior school have gone to other schools (some of them less religious) and she's upset that she's not with them.

We're at our wits end so I know what you're going through HindaS. I have nothing to offer except sympathy.

Imaonwheels

Thu, Nov 01 2007, 2:01 am

I agree with pick your battles, but do not allow anything you think is bad out of fear. Set all the limits you think are important enough to be set. Rules, not each specific possible violation.

Clothes - I had a rule, I set tznius and you set style. I did not assur a tznius style ever because it wasn't the style of a particular group. If it was firmly within the halacha it was ok. That meant I did not assur ankle length but even 4 inch slits were out. Shirt could be any non see through or clingy material but necklines and sleeve length were not negotiable. Of course, you had to obey school rules because they are rules and not because you understand them or not. Of course you can ask and try to understand but compliance is not affected.

Let her breathe. She will break some of the rules and thats sad. But don't climb under her skin, rummage through her stuff, etc. Do know where she is going and with whom, for sure. Unless you fear something super serious, like drugs, anorexia, dangerous friends (any time much older want to be with those far under their age group be suspicious) or getting in with the guys in an unhealthy way try not to lose it. Keep the lines open.

Kids who enjoy their family and enjoy being frum come out ok.

chavamom

Thu, Nov 01 2007, 2:11 am

Jewish Mother wrote:

The worst thing is that the biggest fights are always, always at the Friday night dinner table - she spoils our Shabbat every single week and it's so frustrating. My DH gets so angry and says "why on earth are we doing this - we should be secular for all the respect we're giving to Shabbat". It's so frustrating.

Is this your oldest? I hear this a lot with oldest kids. Certainly true here. I have 2 teenagers and one almost teen. The younger two are generally fine at the shabbos table, but the oldest. Ye-ow! I'm almost relieved when he (invariably) stomps off to his room. And it's generally over such stupidity! He didn't get passed the mayonnaise first or his brother got more than him.... you'd think he was 2.

JewishMother18

Thu, Nov 01 2007, 11:43 pm

No, she's my middle one - the only girl which is probably a classic sign to some child psychologists.

Part of the problem is that she goes out with her Bnei Akiva friends after dinner on Friday night. I'm not particularly in favour of this but all the other girls are out and I feel mean if I don't allow her - and the fights would be even worse if we forbid it.

But she spends the whole of dinner asking what the time is and telling us to hurry up etc. We've banned her from going on time after time but it really doesn't help. She's completely deviant and as soon as we send her to her room she slams doors and starts with the bad language. I'm at my wits end.

Right now I can hear an argument brewing between her and my DH about her mobile phone bill. She has a phone because she travels out of town to school and I like to know where she is if she's not home on time or so that she can be in contact with us if chas v'shalom there is a problem. Oy!

Shabbat Shalom everyone

greenfire

Fri, Nov 02 2007, 6:16 am

to Jewish Mother ... yes it's hard to be strick because we don't want to deal with the wrath of a teen ... however, if I could turn back time that is what I would be more strict ...

what did we do before cell phones (I don't have one) I think the kids could live without it - especially if she doesn't follow the phone plan ...

as for friday nights ... either she sits like a mentsch by shabbos seuda or doesn't go at all ...

it is all too easy for teens these days to get involved with the wrong crowd and make excuses to drink and smoke and other non-sensicles ... but they really feel more secure in knowing the boundaries are set by both parents ...

good luck !!!