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What to do- dtr has bf
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 9:34 pm
My daughter has been very busy texting lately and when asked who’s she’s so busy with she admitted it’s a boy. Not sure how to handle it or what to do next.
We were a little nervous bec were going away for a few days and nervous to leave her with extra free time so we spoke to her and she was open about it. I tried to tell her she must speak to someone about it and she at first didn’t want to - she says I know what they’ll say- that I should stop and I don’t want to. She claims she set her boundaries and she’s strong.... but we try to explain her it doesn’t quite go like that. What is she looking for why is she doing it...?
She also wants to go to Israel next year and we told her we can’t spend all this money if this is what she’s into. What’s the point?
Her sem answer will be here any day and we’re gonna be away and I’m not sure how to deal with this.
Any ideas or who can I speak to ? Maybe still tonight.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 9:37 pm
Hmmm that's tough.
She should definitely speak to someone she trusts and respects about it.
As for you, try to show her love and understanding because if you show her how upset you are it may cause her to close up.
You want her to be able to tell you whats going on (more for your sake actually than for hers.)
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WhatFor









  


Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 9:39 pm
What's your background (meaning, how abnormal is this in your social circles?) It seems like she's already 17 or 18, so IMHO, I'm not sure how much you can technically do about it at this point. It's also possible that trying to impose your will on her at this point will just backfire and close down lines of communication.
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 10:30 pm
I did the same at her age. I was told I AM going to sem in E"Y whether I like it or not to get me away from that boy. It was like a punishment that I had to go. I was told he wasn't good marriage material, obviously, in circles where all this is taboo.
What choice do you really have other than a) becoming mean and evil and taking away all electronic devices and money, monitoring borrowed items and the house phone or
b) try reasoning with a teen girl who recently discovered how good it feels to be treated like a "princess" by a boy who must "totally get her".
What I found most effective that was done to me was out of all the iron fists that came down on me at home and school there was one adult who was 'good-ish cop'. They didn't act like it was the end of the world. They clearly found joy in the novelty of me growing up enjoyable but said calmly and unjudgingly something like "You shouldn't do this. It's not the type of boy you want to end up with "

Good luck.
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Aylat









  


Post  Sun, Feb 11 2018, 11:19 pm
Do you know who the boy is or anything about him?
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amother




Orchid


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 12:11 am
Cancel your trip. You got to raise your child another year and a half. This is bad timing.

I’d get more info and give more info. Supposing she is coming from a sheltered background, she’s got to be educated. Not just it’s not good for you, but explanation of relationships in detail.
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amother




Papaya


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 12:17 am
WOW op. Are you sure you aren’t me?

I don’t know how much you can do. She will find a way.

We are also waiting for Sem answers any day. But my daughter at this point isn’t sure she wants to go.

She definitely needs to speak to someone. We have a therapist and a Rabbi who talks to my daughter.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 1:06 am
Op here- thanks for all your replies.
We are trying to show her understanding not attacking her or getting all mad , I’m more like trying to get her to figure out why she’s doing it, like what is she looking for. Is it just fun chilling chatting or does she like him and wanna date him for real or she feels lack of love and he’s showering her with attention... trying to get her to analyze it. And to ask him what does he want from it. I told her maybe he has five other girls and he’s just having fun...
We’re from semi chassidish backround and it’s not the norm though it prob happens more often than we’d like to think. She is 18 and technically an adult so I don’t think I can say ok we’re taking away your phone and ur not leaving house at night ...cuz that will prob backfire. But on the other hand to just say ok it’s her life she’s an adult let her take her risks and figure life out is wrong too- she is my kid after all. And even at 18 she’s really a kid.
So luckily she opened up even tho she hid it till now but once confronted she didn’t deny. She said some stuff but I don’t know much about him. Seems he was OTD and now back. For some reason she’s very attracted to those types not sure why- it’s not the first boy of this type she’s been talking to . Seems like it inspires her maybe why then come back... don’t quite get it- but not sure it’s right way to get inspiration or Hashkafa-emuna..
She’s not sheltered she knows all facts of life so we went straight at it and told her what boys are looking for and where it usually ends. She said she has her. Boundaries and they’re not gonna meet- I explained her it doesn’t usually work at some point he’s in area... u want a ride ... just say hi...
But I’m still not sure if good idea to send away to Israel - in a way I think if she’ll have good chizuk and be busy with good things - it’s a very packed program with rarely any free time she might grow up and get stronger or am I taking a risk she’ll play around. OTOH staying here without any schedule and jobs are even riskier .. without haskafa ...she’ll surely continue if she’s bored...
And papaya I would love to hear any advice your getting from your rabbi or therapist or how your dealing with it. Or recommend anyone to discuss it with.
She asked me like what I’m gonna do if she continues...
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estif









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 1:29 am
"THIS IS DANGEROUS" she must be made aware that the boys intention is not love its just using her and waiting for the next step, I would get her to listen to Rabbi Orlofsky on Platonic relationship that can be downloaded from torahanytime.com Its a great speach and may help her allot, Have lots of Hatzlocho
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DrMom









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 1:32 am
estif wrote:
"THIS IS DANGEROUS" she must be made aware that the boys intention is not love its just using her and waiting for the next step, I would get her to listen to Rabbi Orlofsky on Platonic relationship that can be downloaded from torahanytime.com Its a great speach and may help her allot, Have lots of Hatzlocho

How do you know this?
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amother




Copper


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 2:25 am
Guys calm down. Regardless of what circles your coming from, it’s too late to prevent. Now that she is where she is she needs love and support. Let her talk about him, make subtle comments about boundaries etc, and let teenage hormones play themselves out. She might have to learn the hard way but if you try to stop her she’ll find a way. She needs to go to a seminary where other girls have bf too and it’s disucssrd. Not a seminary where you can’t even have a smartphone because then she’ll be in an environment where she’ll feel the need to hide everything
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chanchy123









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:18 am
estif wrote:
"THIS IS DANGEROUS" she must be made aware that the boys intention is not love its just using her and waiting for the next step.


How do you know what this boy feels towards her.

I would certainly find out more about the boy. Maybe he is marriage material. He might not be what you planned for her, but maybe what she needs or at least not that bad.

Ask her about him, find out a bit about him. I guess it's not done in your circles - but I would suggest inviting him for dinner so you could get to know him. Show an interest.

Yes, it might be doggy, but it might be very innocent. Girls at 18 get married, he might not be your ideal husband, but if this is the guy she found and makes her happy - maybe it's worth exploring.

Anyway, for sure this is the message you should be sending to her. That you trust and support her. If you take her seriously as an adult, either she will realize she's being stupid and of course this guy is not marriage material, or you will discover that this guy is marriage material and your DD will have a love match and not suffer from being an older single - or worst case scenario - he really is not a great catch and DD still wants to pursue the relationship. If that happens you lost nothing, because DD knows this is not just you being close minded parents, and understands that you are there for her - and you should consult a professional.
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amother




Puce


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:37 am
A great book for her to read - the magic touch
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slushiemom









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:51 am
amother wrote:
A great book for her to read - the magic touch


That book was the most cringe-y thing my friends and I ever read. It didn't make sense to us at all, if anything it allowed us to reason with ourselves that the reasons the book said not to touch don't really apply to us, so if this is the best they got- try again.
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slushiemom









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:55 am
In terms of your daughter, it sounds like she's open with you, which is good. There's not much else you can or should realistically do. Keeping the lines of communications open is the most important thing. BTW, my answer would be different if we were talking about a 13-15 year old, but at 17/18, just try and guide her through it. It might end up great for her! I know a lot of people who happened to meet in HS, and ended up happily together.

Good luck!
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FranticFrummie









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 4:53 am
OP, she's old enough to get married. Ask her if she's considering it with this boy. Treat her like an adult, and talk to her about future plans, what she's looking for in a husband, how she envisions her dating experiences to go, etc.

My mom got married at 16, and was happily married for almost 50 years. My dad was not a zex crazed manaic, he adored her and treated her like a queen always.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 4:54 am
amother wrote:
My daughter has been very busy texting lately and when asked who’s she’s so busy with she admitted it’s a boy. Not sure how to handle it or what to do next.
We were a little nervous bec were going away for a few days and nervous to leave her with extra free time so we spoke to her and she was open about it. I tried to tell her she must speak to someone about it and she at first didn’t want to - she says I know what they’ll say- that I should stop and I don’t want to. She claims she set her boundaries and she’s strong.... but we try to explain her it doesn’t quite go like that. What is she looking for why is she doing it...?
She also wants to go to Israel next year and we told her we can’t spend all this money if this is what she’s into. What’s the point?
Her sem answer will be here any day and we’re gonna be away and I’m not sure how to deal with this.
Any ideas or who can I speak to ? Maybe still tonight.


I am a bit confused. You are telling her to talk to someone - why not with you? And who is she supposed to talk to? Is she supposed to go find someone she would talk to or would you suggest someone for her?

I kind of don't see why can't you be this person.
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chanchy123









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 5:05 am
amother wrote:
I am a bit confused. You are telling her to talk to someone - why not with you? And who is she supposed to talk to? Is she supposed to go find someone she would talk to or would you suggest someone for her?

I kind of don't see why can't you be this person.


I get that. A lot of times teens prefer to open up with someone who is not their parents, preferably someone younger and closer to their age.
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estif









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 7:01 am
I listened to many speakers about "boys" the one I suggested was the best and yes I trust him very much( https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=4954) This will explain how dangerous it is
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saw50st8









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 7:01 am
If all guys are looking for is a quick lay, they can find it easily. They don't need to spend time investing in a relationship. If that's all many of you believe, how can you marry off your daughter to any guy?

My recommendation:

1) Ask her what she hopes to gain by exploring this relationship. She may have some really great responses.

2) Invite him over. Show him that she has involved parents. Learn about who he is and what he wants in life. Focus on big picture things - does he have good middos? Does he treat your daughter well? Does he have life focus?

3) Don't doom your daughter for a decision she's making now. It's totally normal for teenagers to break boundaries and find their own way. That's the only way they can really choose which path to follow.

4) I don't understand the connection between having a boyfriend and seminary. A year of seminary is about learning and personal growth. It's not for everyone (I opted not to go, my sister went and loved it). It sounds like taking away seminary is a punishment for having a boyfriend, which is funny to me because most parents in situations like yours send their kids to seminary to get them away from their boyfriends!

5) Read Raising Human Beings.
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