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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Mevater or doormat?



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gilamom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 6:14 pm
Talk me down from the ledge here.

DD had to sign up for which part she'd like in her bas mitzvah performance, she was wishing for a part in dance, b'h she got it. Today, two girls came to the teacher crying and saying they refuse to be in the performance at all unless they get into dance and it's not fair because all their friends are in dance. So the teacher asked if anyone currently in dance would be willing to switch out and be mevateret and of course my daughter's hand shoots into the air. She told me it's okay, she just wants everyone to be happy.

Here's the thing. Last year their class presented a G.O. song dance, on Tuesday my daughter came home spinning with excitement that she got into the coveted doughnut dance and on Wednesday she came home saying she gave her part to a girl who was crying all day because she wanted to be in the doughnut dance with her group of friends and the aforementioned group of friends had cornered DD at recess and said it's all her fault that the girl was crying and if she was really nice then she'd switch with her. Same group of girls as this year.

The year before that they had a play. Same crappy story. Same group of girls.

So here's the dilemma. I'm spitting mad.
You. Have. No. Idea. How. Mad.
Exploding anger Exploding anger Exploding anger
Notice the steam? The forehead that's about to need some massive Botox to uncrinkle?

But my husband says to be happy and proud that our daughter is such a wonderful and caring girl who willingly gives things up to make others happy. And that if I make a big deal out of this then maybe next time she'll also be stubborn like her mama who and not be so mevater.

I AM proud of her.
But I'm still mad.

Would you call the teacher tomorrow or drop it?
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OutATowner




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 6:25 pm
I would be proud of her.
And I would be fuming mad.
Maybe next time there is a performance you can be proactive and explain the situation to the teacher. Not just for your daughter's sake, but that this is a repeated occurrence and for the sake of everyone involved she should be aware. I'm sure it carries into other social situations as well.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 6:31 pm
I’d be very proud of her, but I’d call the teacher. The girls who don’t get what they want need to learn that’s how life works. The teacher knew good and well when giving out parts not everyone would be happy. That’s how these things work. It isn’t fair to take it away from someone else who wanted it. Idea
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 6:40 pm
Kudos to you mommy for being in tune with what's going on. I was a people pleaser and was the mevatret too often. It got to me after a while. Then when I was no longer that mevateret, I ate myself up with guilt because I felt that I didn't live up to what people expected of me. Good advice to speak to the teacher and the teachers she has in the next few years. Yes , be proud of her and have nachas. She will grow up to be a baalas middos. But people need to know not to take advantage of her. Good for you for understanding that !
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SpottedBanana




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 7:13 pm
She will grow up to be a baalas middos beH, but she also needs to be in tune with whom she's giving to -- this is not exactly Rachel with Leah, this is appeasing bullies. If the girl who really wanted the dance was in general unpopular and not at all vocal about her desire except to the teacher, that would be different.
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Jewishfoodie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 7:22 pm
You're an incredible mother if your daughter is such an empath. Here's where you get your "revenge" which truly is best served cold.

When these girls grow up, they have no coping mechanisms whatsoever (aside from crying until they get what they want)

Your daughter, on the other hand, is going to go into her life with loads of "management techniques" under her belt.

I would definitely tell my daughter how proud I was of her decision and how she will be greatly rewarded by Hashem. But after the performance, I'd have a one on one with both the principal and the teacher. So you give them a heads up about your daughter and also so that hopefully you prevent it from happening in the future.

BTW, when I was in school, there was this vicious entitled brat in my class. She managed to make everyone and everything around her miserable. She had tons of friends but people were terrified of her

I know her today. Nothing changed. She just picks on people who won't fight back, but I would hazard to say she doesn't have one real friend. She literally bullies people into taking her side, but as soon as she turns her back,.. It's sad to watch...

Be glad your daughter isn't THAT person


Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Wed, Feb 14 2018, 7:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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BetsyTacy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 7:22 pm
Ugh, I'd be mad at the teacher--who gives in to being threatened by some students to guilt some other student into giving up something she deserved by cloaking it in the holy word of "mevateret".
I guess this teacher never heard of "You get what you get and you don't get upset".

This is very awkwardly worded, but for some reason this has really struck a nerve with me. Poor you op!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 7:56 pm
I'd be mad, too.

I think it might help your DD if you could role play with her and teach her to say, "I gave up a part last year so you girls could be together, and the year before too, it's not fair to keep doing this to me."

And that she should give other girls the chance to grow by not always being the first to volunteer.

Maybe next year talk to the teachers at parent teacher conferences in the fall, to alert them to the issue.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 7:58 pm
I onced asked this question to a great mechanech. Ultimately it is best to be proud and show your daughter you are proud for being a mevater. However it is important to look out for any signs of resentment. If you feel she does it to please then she should be told it's ok to want it her way too. If she seems happy- dnt squelch a good thing!!
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 8:05 pm
amother wrote:
I onced asked this question to a great mechanech. Ultimately it is best to be proud and show your daughter you are proud for being a mevater. However it is important to look out for any signs of resentment. If you feel she does it to please then she should be told it's ok to want it her way too. If she seems happy- dnt squelch a good thing!!

When I was younger I didn't have second thoughts. In adulthood I started resenting it. Not so sure it's good to let it go. Talking from personal experience. I was used....ALOT
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amother
Red


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 8:13 pm
Moshiach (which we need very badly) will come in her Zechut.
What a tzadeket.
Imagine how proud (and happy) you will be when it is broadcasted that the last drop to bring Moshiach came because of your daughter.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 8:18 pm
My sister was always mevater and was everyones doormat. Later in life she fell into a depression and had mental health issues related to her people-pleasing personality.

I would stand up for her and make sure she gets back into dance.

Some children need to learn to be mevater.

Some children need to learn their own feelings matter too.
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relish




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 14 2018, 8:46 pm
amother wrote:
Moshiach (which we need very badly) will come in her Zechut.
What a tzadeket.
Imagine how proud (and happy) you will be when it is broadcasted that the last drop to bring Moshiach came because of your daughter.

I wonder if this girl's behavior is bringing moshiach, or learning to be compassionate to herself would be bringing moshiach.

A girl like her would benefit to learn concepts like "people who are compassionate to cruel people will end up being cruel to those that deserve compassion", the story of Shaul and how it can be applied to her personal life.

She can learn concepts like hilchos tzedaka. Who comes first when it comes to our resources (not only money).

She can take time to study what was different about Yosef. How was he able to maintain balance in his life, be a sensitive soul, yet be immune to ayin Horah.

She can study what really happened between rochel and leah, and what made it so special. She can learn how Hashem wants us to be full, before giving to others.

She can study the concept of lech lecha, and how it applies to us. Letting go of our belief systems that don't serve us anymore, and adopting more healthy belief systems. (Obviously I don't mean belief systems as in yidishkeit. I mean belief systems that lead her to give in ways that aren't natural for a girl her age.)

Last, but I think most importantly, please teach her to think of her own needs, and to trust her gut. You will make her less vulnerable to being abused in the future.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 1:02 am
when I was in high school the entire school would copy my notes. in 12th grade I got a little tired of people who never even said one word to me having my notes. so one time, someone asked me for my notes - I didn't even say no - I said "we'll see." well the next thing I knew I was told by someone who felt bad for me that two people broke in to my locker and stole my notes, copied them and put them back. I never got them in to trouble because I was such a doormat, never even told my parents...even when I think about it know, almost 30 years later, I could cry.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 11:09 am
Each of us need to work toward a balanced middle road in life. Those of us that struggle with needing to get everything we want need to learn to be sensitive to others, to know how to give in, to be flexible, to accept that we don't always get what we want... Those of us that struggle with being mevater too often need to learn to realize their needs and wants and stand up for them, to learn not to change their mind, to learn not to be threatened by the emotions that are being manipulated (even subconsciously) by others. There is such a thing as too much flexibility.

In your daughter's case, I think you should call up the teacher, explain the dynamics, and make sure she gets back into the dance for this production. This is something very major, she will remember this her whole life. Even though she feels happy because the other girls are happy and is afraid to rock the boat, this is not healthy when it keeps occurring. Learning to stand up for yourself is imperative. It's so important for all her future relationships, learning she matters too. Just because someone cries doesn't mean she deserves it or even wants it more. Learning that her desires matter and are important, helps a child long term listen to themselves more, care about their own opinions, and not be twiddled around other people's fingers to serve their needs. אם אין אני לי מי לי and afterwards וכשאני לעצמי מה אני but that is after a person has a strong sense of self that they can reach out and also do for others.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 15 2018, 2:09 pm
Your daughter sounds like an absolute doll. She sounds very easy going. I would be worried, though, that she is a people pleaser and that is a very heavy load to carry if you are one. I would not say anything to dd. I would call up the teacher and say, look, I just want you to be aware of what happened last year. And you are concerned. Never say you are upset, just concerned, and what does she suggest. They will probably leave it, but they should just be aware of the dynamic in the class/grade.
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