Just for laughs! | Imamother

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 9:00 pm

Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 5:58 am

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected photos from all his friends; all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,

“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 12:14 pm

An aircraft is flying when all of a sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.

Having heard the crash, a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.

Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.

So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position!"

"I'm 5'4 and sitting upright in the front seat of the plane."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Thu, Mar 08 2018, 5:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 12:52 pm

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 1:26 pm

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs:

"Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?! "

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 2:14 pm

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.

He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies. "

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed.

One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them?"

The old man replied,
"I thought you said, there weren't any officers available?"

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 4:24 pm

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes meekly, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 4:37 pm

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

The judge is getting increasingly frustrated. He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me for some reason.. "

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 7:12 pm

Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son.
He's a martyr.

"Here's my second son.
He's a martyr too!"

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says , They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Jewishfoodie

Tue, Feb 20 2018, 7:18 pm

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking...

But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 6:17 am

THE DUCK.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old f@rt. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,

"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."