Just for laughs! | Imamother

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:30 am

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:

"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining.

Towels are located in aisle five."

ETA: (for those who need "towels", head for aisle 5. I didn't want to embarrass you by making you ask)

sirel

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 12:21 pm

This one I love because it's so stupid that it makes me smile:

Two muffins are in an oven. One says "Boy, it's hot in here." The other responds "Oh my! A talking muffin!"

observer

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 12:56 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

That reminds me of the woman in the supermarket who asked the butcher if they had any larger packages of chicken breasts. Soon thereafter, as she shopped, she heard the announcement
"Will the woman who requested larger breasts please come to aisle 10".

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 1:01 pm

observer wrote:

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 2:10 pm

artz wrote:

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a cup of water.

The bartender takes out a gun and points it at him.

The guy says thank you and walks out .

what happened

Was there a duck involved? A "special" towel? A sheet missing the center piece?

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:13 pm

A Rabbi was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to Gan Eden.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Gan Eden! Gan Edan!" Yelled Little Leah.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the Rabbi

"Dead!" Yelled Little Eli.

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Thu, Mar 08 2018, 8:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:17 pm

A man and a woman entering a town are arguing about the pronunciation of the town they are in. They came up with 5 different ways to say Kissimmee.

Finally, eating dinner, they called the waitress over and said,

"Do you mind slowly pronouncing where we are now, so we know the proper pronunciation?"

The waitress eyed them suspiciously and slowly said,

"BUUURRRGGGEERRR KIIINNGGG"

shanie5

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:18 pm

A blonde wore a earbuds in her ears all day, every day, including to sleep. When people asked her why she never took them off she just said "Oh, I'll just die if I take them out"
Well, a friend thought she would pull a joke on the blonde and invited her for a sleepover. In middle of the night, while the blonde was asleep, her friend took out her earbuds. The next morning, when the friend woke up, she found-to her horror-that the blonde had died. So she picked up the earbuds and listened to the recording the blonde had always listened to. She heard "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in, breath out......"

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:21 pm

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:24 pm

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks,

"Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks,
"So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:49 pm

A school teacher is concerned that her students might be a little confused about G-d so she asks her class,

"Where is G-d today?"
Sarah raises her hand and says,
"He's in Heaven."
Rachel answers, "He's everywhere!"
Little Jessica waves her hand furiously and blurts out,
"He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks her how she knows this.

"Well," Jessica says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells
'G-d! Are you still in there?!'"

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:27 am

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.

His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.

He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything.

Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."