Just for laughs! | Imamother

weasley

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 6:37 am

This is true!! I saw a sign today (in Israel) for an 'emotional sale'.

Google translate at its best! ( moving sale)

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:31 am

weasley wrote:

This is true!! I saw a sign today (in Israel) for an 'emotional sale'.

Google translate at its best! ( moving sale)

Google Translate strikes again!

observer

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 10:32 am

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 10:53 am

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.

However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,

“Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered,

“Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered,

“Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .

He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

“And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

Jewishfoodie

Fri, Feb 23 2018, 5:38 am

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it, once.

Jewishfoodie

Fri, Feb 23 2018, 5:47 am

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then, three days ago, one of the lambd died and we had lamb chops the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday.!" wailed the boy.

Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me."
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."

shanie5

Sat, Feb 24 2018, 8:13 pm

In England they drive on the left side of the road.
In Pennsylvania we drive on whats left of the road!

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 25 2018, 11:30 am

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

jewwoman

Sun, Feb 25 2018, 2:58 pm

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 12:13 pm

Lekavod Purim...

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.

“This fighting between our services?
This hatred?
This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 12:15 pm

A little boy says,

‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’
‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 12:20 pm

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 12:23 pm

I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.

Iymnok

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 12:48 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.

I first read that as 'dressed'!

cbg

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 1:56 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

LOL
This reminded me of what happened to my grandfather.
My grandfather lost one ear to skin cancer.
After he was very self conscious about it and prosthetic ear made.
He use to glue it on.
True story
One day he went to the barber, and the barber accidentally knocked off the ear. When he saw the ear come off, the barber fainted.
All my grandfather said was don’t worry I could glue it back on.
True story

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 2:00 pm

cbg wrote:

This has just become my favorite story of all time! Rolling Laughter

I can imagine all the ear jokes he cultivated..

"What? I can't hear you! There's an ear in my banana.."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 6:45 pm

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

singleagain

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 8:27 pm

A friend just shared and I literally laughed out loud.

OutATowner

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 8:37 pm

Singleagain, that's hysterical. I cannot stop laughing.

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 26 2018, 8:40 pm

singleagain wrote:

A friend just shared and I literally laughed out loud.

You won the funniest post award! (how does 75 watermelon flavored lollies sound? Not your thing? How about a Chwalapchah without the cabbage or the meat filling?)