Would you let your child marry someone with no money?

amother

Emerald

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 6:23 pm

Would you let your daughter marry someone who is a very good guy but he doesn’t have such a high salary and his parents don’t have so much money?

Metukah

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 6:49 pm

I know ow plenty people that married a wealthy guy or one from a wealthy family and unfortunately it was all lost, on the other hand I know girls who married poor boys who them went on to be really wealthy

amother

Crimson

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 7:00 pm

amother wrote:

Would you let your daughter marry someone who is a very good guy but he doesn’t have such a high salary and his parents don’t have so much money?

My mother (a"h) came from a family that wasn't wealthy, but sure wasn't poor. My father was dirt poor, as in he was working multiple jobs by age 14, and his family had to take in boarders. When they started dating, everyone warned my mother's family "she could never live like that!" But they married. We weren't rich, but we never wanted for anything, or had to worry about whether we could afford to go out with friends or whatever. He put us all through college and graduate schools without massive student loan debt. And he was the best son in law you could imagine; my mother's parents adored him.

Hope this helps.

shoshanim999

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 7:21 pm

Metukah wrote:

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I never understood why people often say this type of comment. Sure, money is not guaranteed. That being said, I'd estimate that 90% of the families that are very wealthy today, will be very wealthy in 25 years from now. Of course there will be exceptions, but they are in the small minority.

simba

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 8:08 pm

I did it! My dh was a Yeshiva student and in laws have very limited income. My parents are comfortable and I was working for a few years by then.

Good Middos and yiras shamayim were my only requirements.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 8:24 pm

I'm going to be honest. I would be ok with him not having a high salary now if he had good earning potential but I think financial hardship is really a stress. I married a guy who lived paycheck to paycheck but he was starting out in a well paying career so this wasn't his "ceiling" or even close and I was coming with significant money. My in-laws finances weren't a factor at all. I don't expect them to help us out financially and I wouldn't expect my daughter's future in laws to either.

My husband and I plan to educate our daughters about budgeting, cost of living etc. If my daughters had significant financial assets I might not be as concerned. It's not that I'm looking for money as much as I don't want my children to be naive about the cost of living. I also want my daughter to marry someone with a sense of responsibility towards supporting the family financially. Not sure how he'll show that if he doesn't have a plan. Realistic plan is more important then current salary.

little neshamala

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:26 pm

Neither my DH nor I had money. But BH we both have good midos, are hard workers and are very fiscally responsible (probably because we grew up with no money). We didnt and still dont expect anyone to pay for our things...what mattered to both of us when we were dating was midos and being a growth-oriented person.

BH BH BH we have a really good marriage full of love and respect. We make shalom bayis and child-rearing our priority and have a house full of love. To us, thats what was important for a marriage. Not how much money we had/would have in the future!!! Im astounded that people actually factor in dollars when it comes to choosing a spouse...

(BH we each earn decent money now, enough to cover the bills but we're nowhere near wealthy. And so what?)

Money wise, I wouldve much rathered marry a guy with good midos who would be willing to work hard, than a pampered guy who sailed comfortably on mommy and daddys money. To me personality and work ethic trumps all.

icebreaker

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:36 pm

My children can marry whoever they want. There is no letting or not letting them marry someone. Plus, I’m hoping my girls (and boys) have their own careers and money before they get married.

shoshanim999

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:46 pm

This question really needs to have some context. Very often a 22 year old boy marrying a 21 year old girl won't have any money. However, They might be in college learning a career. Is that called marrying without any money? I'd say no. The question is would you let your daughter marry a guy with wonderful middos, kind and considerate, in his mid 20's, with no career, no interest in a career, and makes $10 an hour doing a menial job?

Mommyg8

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:53 pm

This is what mishlei says: ט֤וֹב פַּ֣ת חֲ֖רֵבָה וְשַׁלְוָה־בָ֑הּ מִ֜בַּ֗יִת מָלֵ֥א זִבְחֵי־רִֽיב - "Better a piece of dry bread and tranquility with it, than a house full of sacrifices of strife." Font and translation is from Chabad.org.

Can't argue with mishlei!

cozyblanket

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 10:11 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

Agreed.

If he will work and he can provide a basic parnasa, then all she needs is a mensch who will treat her well and that they will be happy. Extra money is much less important than that.

I married into a family without money. We work very hard and we are happy BH!

I would let her if he is a good jew and she is up for it.

Are you a very in town type who likes fancy stuff? Why are you asking?

mirror

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 10:20 pm

cozyblanket wrote:

Are you a very in town type who likes fancy stuff? Why are you asking?

I wonder how many poor girls develop higher expectations as their dh's earn more money. This is what I've seen.

crust

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 10:21 pm

amother wrote:

Would you let your daughter marry someone who is a very good guy but he doesn’t have such a high salary and his parents don’t have so much money?

This thread title reminded me of Shlomo Hamelechs daughter.

amother

Denim

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 10:39 pm

I know this makes little sense but I married someone who is far from a gem and had no money so now I always think I should have married someone with money, at least I’d have that.

creditcards

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 11:00 pm

I didn't really have a choice to marry money. Me and DH both come from poor families. We both grew up equally poor. We both understand how to scrimp and save and we are both on the same page spending wise. DH works hard to provide for our family. Both sets of parents can't help out financially. Although we barely cover our expenses, we are much better off than the way I grew up so I'm ok with it.