Would you let your child marry someone with no money?

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 11:51 pm

Many kids from families with money are spoiled rotten and have terrible middos.

Money is a nisayon just like anything else. A parent has to be very, very careful with the way they raise their children if they have money, otherwise, their kids turn out to be spoiled brats that destroy their own shalom bayis.

creditcards

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:11 am

I think it's really important for a father who got their child used to living a lifestyle with money to make sure the child has the same amount of money after he or she gets married, and continue helping out financially after they are married if the couple doesn't have so much. Its very difficult to downgrade from a lifestyle you are used to.
If your daughter grew up poor, then it's ok for her to marry poor. If she grew up rich, she should either marry rich or the rich father should continue providing for her daughter what he got her used to having....

saw50st8

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 10:06 am

If he's working towards a goal that can reasonably support his family, it's not a big deal to me.

As to his parents: I value family support but that doesn't mean money. If they fall on hard times and need a place to stay, would his parents help them out by letting stay in their home, even if it is already overcrowded? Would they help out mentally and emotionally? Would they love and support them in the methods that THEY have the ability to?

If the answer to those questions are no, then I would be wary of the in-laws. Being generous has little to do with money and all to do with the people themselves.

Basically, I want my kids to marry people are good people. They get to decide that though.

keym

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 10:14 am

saw50st8 wrote:

Totally agree with what you said. For the record, this is why I strongly hold of the whole "research" part of shidduchim.
Because there is so much that can be found out from direct pointed questions to extended family, neighbors, and friends.
And not how much money they have/how much they give. More like to what extent will they go out of their way to family in need, how emotionally supportive are they to people in need.
Because I want my child to join a kind sensitive giving family and have a spouse with those traits.

jkl

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 11:37 am

amother wrote:

Would you let your daughter marry someone who is a very good guy but he doesn’t have such a high salary and his parents don’t have so much money?

As long as he has a sensible plan, or path, for the future, I would definitely go for it. I would not go with someone doesn't have a high salary, or parents with little money, who is planning to 'figure it all out after'.

I'm fully aware that Hashem is in charge and plans often fail, but being cognizant of the goal and responsibilities in life says an awful lot about a person.

shoshanim999

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 12:09 pm

amother wrote:

I married a man that supposedly was poor and had no money but at the end since they were so frugal his parents were really rich. They bought us a house etc and gave us money at the end..to say the least it was definitely shocking!

Being frugal doesn't lead to wealth. People don't buy houses and pay multiple full tuitions because they clipped coupons. If they bought you a house, and help their other children with houses and money, then at some point someone either had a well paying job, received a yerusha, or bought a house many years ago on the cheap and sold it for alot of money.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 4:14 pm

creditcards wrote:

I totally agree with this.

B"H I had a very comfortable lifestyle growing up. I married a man with a much lower standard of living, and it bothers me so much, still after a decade of marriage. He's just a plain good guy, not a "gem", so I didn't find him to be enough to replace the material comfort I grew up with (I'm being brutally honest so others can learn from my experience).

So... to answer OP... it depends. If my child grew up wealthy, no way would I let her marry someone poor. If she grew up poor - of course, why not?

Also... If I were rich or just comfortable, I would have a much easier time letting my son marry a poor girl than my daughter marry a poor guy. I think it's much easier for a man to acclimate to a lower standard of living at his IL's house than a woman... and if he wants a higher standard, let him go earn it for himself.

Mommyg8

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 4:41 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

You'd be surprised. Clipping coupons is not enough, but its symptomatic of a way of living. My father is this way, and yes, he helps out his kids alot.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 5:51 pm

I'm a little stuck on "let". I'm not so sure they need me to let them anything once they're adults.

I would certainly make sure they understood the realities of what they are going into and weren't romanticizing the idea (poor but getting by on love; or poor but totally focused on ruchnias and not gashmias) as I've sometimes seen.

simba

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 5:51 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

You'd be surprised. Clipping coupons is not enough, but its symptomatic of a way of living. My father is this way, and yes, he helps out his kids alot.

I have this funny childhood memory of being at a friends house where the mother was clippings coupons. The house was in a very high end neighborhood, it had a tennis court, elevator, 5 car parking, multiple sitting rooms etc..
As a child it as so strange to me. As an adult I see it differently.
I saw an interview with Bill Gates, he says the only outlandish things he owns (obviously we have different standards!) is a Porsche and a plane. He claims he is very frugal. I guess you can't get rich by spending everything you earn.

nechamashifra

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 8:20 pm

amother wrote:

Would you let your daughter marry someone who is a very good guy but he doesn’t have such a high salary and his parents don’t have so much money?

I wouldn't be concerned whether his parents had money or not as I believe if you're old enough to be getting married, you're old enough to be paying your own bills.

If he's in a job with a low salary but is either in school or working hard at a job that will lead him to a higher position then I wouldn't be concerned either.

If on the other hand, he has no work ambition and does not seem to be the responsible type then yes I would be concerned. I would want someone who can (and wants to) provide for his family.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 8:32 pm

I married a guy who had barely any savings when we got married and his parents contributed nothing to our household or support. I couldn't be happier!!! I married for the relationship. We live on one part time income. Depends what your child is looking for: a happy relationship, or someone to support them.

justforfun87

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:50 pm

My kid's are young so this in no way applies to me BUT I would be way more concerned with the drive of the person versus their current income status. I have seen plenty of people rise up the income ladder due to drive and determination. If my daughter was dating someone working at a pizza store, not in school, yea I would HIGHLY recommend against it. If he was working at a pizza store making extra cash WHILE in school..great!

HonesttoGod

Fri, Feb 23 2018, 11:09 am

amother wrote:

Poor people can become rich.
Rich people can become poor.
There are no guarantees in life.
What we really need for our children is for them to find their richtige zivug.

This.
My in laws had money and promised us the world, we got very little.
My parents have little, promised nothing, and gave what they could.
We are both mature responsible adults getting married, we worked/work hard and cover expenses. Not easy at all but we are financially stable through no one else but ourselves.

33055

Fri, Feb 23 2018, 12:18 pm

shoshanim999 wrote:

You should read The Millionaire Next Door. School teachers who live frugally accumulate a lot of wealth.

Fox

Fri, Feb 23 2018, 12:39 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

As to his parents: I value family support but that doesn't mean money. If they fall on hard times and need a place to stay, would his parents help them out by letting stay in their home, even if it is already overcrowded? Would they help out mentally and emotionally? Would they love and support them in the methods that THEY have the ability to?

If the answer to those questions are no, then I would be wary of the in-laws. Being generous has little to do with money and all to do with the people themselves.

I've seen so many couples get a boost in life from supportive parents. Not necessarily financially, but in terms of marriage, childrearing, and just generally reducing stress.

And often the parents who were most supportive didn't have a lot of disposable income, but they helped with little things that added up. Buying kids' clothes; meeting the bus so that Mom can work until 5 p.m.; adding a few items at the grocery store or having staples shipped each month via Amazon . . .

Obviously, everyone has different needs and capabilities, but saving $100 a month on babysitting or knowing you can cross toilet tissue and laundry detergent off your list -- those things really do make a difference. Even if the don't make a huge difference financially (no one is going to buy a house because they saved $1200 a year on babysitting), they make a significant contribution to the quality of life and leave young families feeling less stressed.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Feb 23 2018, 1:25 pm

marry the person not the money. because there is no guarantee what will happen.

hagalgal chozer baolam. no its not true if you have money now then you will 25 yrs down the line. that is young and foolish. hashem has a plan for everyone.

to the poster saying the above statement. have you never seen anyone be filthy rich and loose it overnight? for so many reasons I cant count?

op the persons character is what matters. you can be filthy rich and have a miserble person to live with. and anyway money comes from hashem. its not in our hands. dh is multitalented. and I mean it. and he just makes just enough. n

chazal say, lo lachachomim lechem. its not the the smart ones that is wealthy. we think if we have a big nice degree we will be making nice money. no its not that way. its hishtadlus and the rest is up to hashem. I have seen fools make a lot of money and I have seen smart individuals make nothing to cover their bread.