Is it appropriate/tactful to ask a person if they knew

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Taupe

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 2:07 am

before giving birth to said child that baby will have a health issue/defect?

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 2:32 am

NO. Not appropriate at all. Its one of those MYOB situations.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 2:41 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

NO. Not appropriate at all. Its one of those MYOB situations.

I should start collecting a dollar for every time I get this question asked.
I think I'll finally be able to buy a house in Brooklyn!

MiracleMama

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:05 am

Wow, outside of a counseling situation, it’s hard to imagine any relevance for asking such a question other than good old fashioned nosiness.
No, not appropriate.

DrMom

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:14 am

Who would even think this is an appropriate question??

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:15 am

It is a NOT appropriate nor tactful. No.No.No.

naomi2

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:43 am

I get asked that all the time and I don't mind at all.

flowerpower

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:47 am

Not at all!!!!

allthingsblue

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 7:48 am

No !!!! Way

amother

Taupe

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 8:51 am

naomi2 wrote:

I get asked that all the time and I don't mind at all.

depends who is asking, how and in what context. some (like neighbors or pareve acquaintances) the first time they same me/my baby/spoke to me after her birth, within 2 minutes of convo "so, tell me, you knew before she was gonna be like this"? Rolling Eyes

and btw, got it a lot from nurses in the hospital. (not part of official questionnaire they asked though!) but don't care so much when they ask either.

don't care when its a fellow special needs mom asking either. its a different kind of tone and context.

the yentishkeit from neighbors etc bother me the most. like if I knew, and now they know so for their future pregnancies... (nothing. b/c ftr, we officially didn't know)

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:02 am

Not even as a joke. No. No. No. And, please don't. No matter who it is and who you are.

RachelEve14

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:07 am

I have 2 children who were born with health problems (one CHD, one Down syndrome), and I have been asked that a lot. It honestly doesn't bother me. Often it's someone who was given percentages of this or that and is trying to find a place. Or it's just a natural curiosity, especially with my son who had open heart surgery at a week old. Pretty much everyone asks "did you know before?" (no, his defect is almost never picked up on ultrasound). I don't really think everything is the busniss of every random neighbor in the makolet, but I don't think it's never ever appropriate to ask, especially if you know the person and / or you are finding yourself in a similar situation.

amother

Linen

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:11 am

It doesn’t bother me personally, but I could see how it might bother someone else. It also depends on who’s asking and why. I don’t mind when people ask, but I find it hurtful and annoying when the implication is that I could have done something differently.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 9:13 am

RachelEve14 wrote:

haha. being that this malformation is so rare I have yet to 'bump' into someone who has the same or is in similar situation.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 10:45 am

I think is very rude to ask that. On the plus side, you must be a very sweet and friendly person who makes ppl feel comfortable around them, otherwise, I would think ppl wouldn't feel comfy to ask!

Miri7

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 11:41 am

I think that if you’ve learned that you’re pregnant with a child with a certain issue, it’s ok to ask a mom whose child had that issue about whether she knew or it was a surprise. Otherwise I wouldn’t ask

Ruchel

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 11:47 am

THAT.

Barring this situation, what would possess you to be that disgusting? Maybe there's a language lock

Fox

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 12:40 pm

I usually try to pad my opinions with a few qualifiers. "Never say never," and all that. But here I'm going to keep it unequivocal:

The proper response, and the only proper response, to the birth of a child is "Mazel tov! You should have a lot of nachas!"

And not with a concerned, long face, either.

If you are simply curious about a particular condition, feel free to use the search engine of your choice to find out more.

If you have some specific reason for wanting to speak to the parent of a child with a particular issue, please approach a third party to ask. Not every parent wants to be a public educator, and even those who don't mind may not always have the physical or mental energy for it.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 12:59 pm

Fox wrote:

YES Fox!
I should bold this and blow it up and paste it on myself or baby when going out with her.
oh, and I'm still waiting for 3 sils to call and say mazel tov.

amother

Linen

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 1:36 pm

Ruchel wrote:

THAT.

Barring this situation, what would possess you to be that disgusting? Maybe there's a language lock

Ouch, Ruchel, kinda harsh? OP simply asked about appropriateness in a situation she’s clearly unfamiliar with, which honestly I commend her for. Too many people either speak their minds with no filter, or else they shy away from saying anything at all.

That, to me, is among the greatest tragedies of the “PC Movement,” that people are automatically labeled insensitive, phobic, disgusting, racist, sexist, on and on, often just because they don’t know the correct terminology or understand the nuances of different issues. No one can know everything. Asking respectfully, and in the proper time and context, is always appropriate and should be encouraged and appreciated.

OP doesn’t know what’s okay or not okay so she asked. Plus, she has opened to discussion here so that more people can benefit from the information she’s seeking. As a mother who has faced some nosy but mostly well meant questions, I appreciate OP’s desire to learn how to approach these matters respectfully.

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