shower- am I wrong?

amother

Fri, Nov 09 2007, 8:56 am

Last night, I got my third phone call to give money for a wedding shower, in one week!

One girl was in seminary with me, so I gave $10 (I felt cheap, but it was $10 more than I can afford). The second girl, well, it was giving Tzedakah so I gave $20 and now the third girl, doesn't even say hello to me in the street! She is just one of 120 girls in my class.

I'm already on baby number two, b"h and I simply cannot afford to give to e/o's shower! No one even bothered to make me one when I got married!

I did not commit to giving any money for the third girl, but I think they are expecting me to drop money off. I simply refuse. It will literally mean that I'm taking away money from putting food on my table.

Am I wrong for having such an attitude and being so angry (that ppl have the chutzpah to call and expect me, s/o who has never said boo to this girl,) to give money?

Btw, I am too embarrassed to call the girl back and tell her I can't give, so I'm just not going to drop it off.

amother

Fri, Nov 09 2007, 9:30 am

I do not think u are required to give money for gifts for ppl u have nothing to do with.
the following should really be in the confession thread so I will put it there too, but once were on the topic....
I actually made a shower for a girl who I was friendly with. she really was my friends friend, but we considered ourselves friendly. my friend asked me to help her out. we did it my mothers house. I was already married and it was an hour drive each way. then I had to buy and make food.....I also layed out money for the gift even tho I dint want to and spent alot more money than I wanted. and ppl who said they would give didnt. (BTW, she never gave me a wedding gift!) at the end she comes over and says thanks for helping ________ make my shower! shock

I was appalled. helping? I spent most of the money. made the food. used my house!? and I was only a helper? shock

Motek

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 10:54 am

chocolate moose wrote:

if you can't afford it, how can you give tzedekeh !

An ani has to give tzedaka from the tzedaka he gets.

As for the OP's question, I never heard of participating in a shower or party of someone who is not your friend. Never heard that in a grade of 120 girls that EVERYBODY gives towards and attends and is invited to EVERYBODY'S shower and wedding.

contribute towards the showers of your friends, and I think that $10 is too much, not too little, unless it's a tzedaka event (in which case, give whatever you want to give towards this tzedaka)

Ima'la

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 12:07 pm

You certainly should not contribute towards a shower of a girl you are not friends with. No need to make a big deal - if you didn't say you'd give, don't commit. And if they call (about this girl or for next time) just say, "Thanks for calling, but I won't be participating in the shower gift." If they press you on that point, that would be a great time to get really busy with your babies, as in, "Oops the baby's crying, thanks for calling, mazel tov, bye!"

But some dan l'kaf zechus would be helpful here, I think...the girl who called you may not know who is close with her and who is not, or might just be calling the whole class - and whoever wants will participate. Unless she was pushy, I don't think it's a chutzpah.

redhot

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 1:50 pm

I htink its ok to not give the money, but then you also should not go to the wedding. A donation to a shower is the accepted form of a wedding gift, and if u are not giving a gift I dont think you should go to the wedding, where her parents will have to pay for a seat for u.

Just my opinion

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 4:10 pm

I'm not planning on going to the wedding. I didn't even know she was engaged until I got the invitation! I have only even eaten at a handful of weddings: close relatives or very close friends. Other than that, I will sometimes stop by during dancing and wish them mazel tov!

I guess it just annoys me more than it should bec we're having a hard time financially and I guess I'm a little put out that no one ever made me a shower!

Quote:

And if they call (about this girl or for next time) just say, "Thanks for calling, but I won't be participating in the shower gift."

I'm going to do that next time! I should have been more direct with the girl (who wasn't too pushy and was very nice) but it's always uncomfortable for me. I find it easier to just give.

southernbubby

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 5:33 pm

The first girls in the class to marry are often blessed with expenses by the time that the later girls marry and cannot afford to give gifts or travel. My older dd is still getting invitations from high school and sem classmates and usually just sends back the reply card with a mazel tov. She has not seen some of these girls in 5 years. Often the first few girls to marry get all the presents and the girls all try to attend.
It may be a good thing to say that you can't participate at the moment but if you see that you are able later, you will send something to the couple.

Ruchel

Sun, Nov 11 2007, 6:04 pm

Motek wrote:

chocolate moose wrote:

if you can't afford it, how can you give tzedekeh !

I'm not familiar with inviting everyone from your class, so the whole school shock

We always invited our friends, and that's it... be it for a mere birthday, a bar/bas mitzva, or a wedding.

But yeah, I'm not familiar with showers either. People send or bring a gift to the engagement and/or wedding (most people buy for both, or a huge gift for the wedding).

I would say an average engagement/wedding gift is around what... 30 dollars for a regular person, but much more if you're very close (in blood link or as a friend). We got everything from a pretty drawing from a broke cousin, to more than 2000 $ of Wedgwood dishes from a rich friend. The same gift coming from different people doesn't make the same impression!

raizy

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 11:26 pm

that what really bugged me. the first few girls got all the showers and presents. and we just all paid and paid etc. then they those girls turned the table on us and told us we have babies live 1 million miles away etc and cant give. and they were the rich girls .. imagine if they would have given at the other showers .... they were rich..

in the end at the last shower that I attended and gave more money because only the girls who lived in our town came to it. I spend much more money then at the original showers.... I gladly did it bc these girls deserved to have a nice shower. but the class should have all chipped in and paid ...even if u had 10 kids... I had my 5 at that point and I still paid....

Mimisinger

Wed, Jan 16 2008, 9:12 am

I don't understand the whole thing about giving money to go to a shower - why don't you just bring a gift! I was sent an invitation which asked that I give $25!!!! I was appalled - I decided not to go. How can you expect someone to give $25 towards a SHOWER and then a wedding gift???

cassandra

Wed, Jan 16 2008, 10:33 am

Mimisinger wrote:

When we all got married it was $25 for the shower gift which was used to buy household things off the registry. If you were single this was considered your gift, but some married people gave a small wedding gift in addition since you are bringing your husband to the wedding, and it's an extra expense.

And the $25 was not EXPECTED... it was recommended and you can bow out of it. Most people found it easier since the gift was taken care of for you, and it was things that the kallah needed. The shower police isn't chasing after you for not giving $25.

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 16 2008, 10:57 am

The class is excited when the first few get married and all of the girls want a piece of the action. After awhile, though, the single girls have a different group of friends than the married ones and the excitement about chassunahs has died down. Those who marry several years later are probably barely in touch with their high school and sem friends.

Lani22

Wed, Jan 16 2008, 11:10 am

southernbubby wrote:

I was one of the girls who got married several years later. I was very very dissapointed that a lot of the girls that I had planned, cooked and shlepped for didnt bother to recipricate at all. A lot didnt even come to my wedding let alone send a gift. I understand that their lives had gotten pretty busy, but it is just plain rude not to recipricate!