Pre-teen daughter developing and doesn't want to acknowledge

pizzamom

Mon, Dec 31 2007, 11:11 pm

My 11 year old daughter is developing quickly and refuses to wear a bra or undershirt of any type. I took her shopping and have purchased different types that she initially picked out. She feels that people will notice the outline of the bra, even though I have pointed out to her that it's more noticeable not to wear one. I have bought her shawls and other cover-ups that she will wear only after I remind her, and that is quite often. I have two boys (14 & 15-1/2) at home, and it is driving me crazy.
Any ideas?

chocolate moose

Mon, Dec 31 2007, 11:16 pm

Maybe she needs to know that growing up is more than wearing a tight cage on your chest.

Plonis

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 1:46 am

Give her shirts to wear layered. don't force the issue. she's uncomfortbale with it, u dont want her to be uncomfortable with her body 4ever.

your sons will be just fine. in many families girs wear pants 2 sleep and shortsleeve t-shirst with nothing underneath. the brothers handle.

amother

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 2:26 am

This could have been me at that age. I started developing earlier than most and I was very uncomfortable and would not have worn a bra if my mother had suggested it. She must have known and didn't. She basically took me to get my first bra at the same age she took my sister, even though dear sis devleoped at a later, more average age. Instead of just taking her shopping maybe try and talk to her and find out what makes her uncomfortable. YOu might ahve to wait to get her into a bra but you will have a happier daugter and better relationship.

BTW, I know you have probably tried this but what about those spandexy camisoles with the built in bras. UNder a shirt they just look like a camisole-shirt.

mamacita

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 8:53 am

Ah, I remember being the same at 11, I was also the first in my class really, which didn't go over well with my classmates. Maybe she is getting teased (even in a friendly-type way) or is just generally embarrassed by the attention or changes?

Perhaps if it seemed more like a privilege that comes with age rather than a burden, or something normal rather than attention getting she may be more open to the idea. I often see pre-teen girls with too-tight shirts, so buying looser ones to accompany the new undergarment will appeal to her.

My dad forced the issue with me by saying I wasn't allowed to shave my legs (!!!) until I wore a bra. So for awhile I did neither, then I gave in and went shopping with my mom.

amother

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 10:34 am

I was the same also. It helped that it was winter and I wore a few layers so no one would notice. Once the other girls in the class start wearing them too, she'll be more comfortable.

Mama Bear

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 10:40 am

I was 11 too, I was so embarrassed when my mother presented me with my first bra, but I knew it was overdue since I had been made fun of in the summer of fifth grade. I was self conscious in school all the way til 8th grade since girls had a habit of slapping girls' backs to find out who was already in a bra - it was supposed to be the height of embarrassment to be developed at 12! cmon! I was also one of the first ones in my class to have my period, it wasnt fun hiding it from everyone on my first EVERY day of camp!

justanothermother

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 10:46 am

I started wearing a B cup when everyone else in my class was still wearing an undershirt. It was very traumatic for me. The girls would try to snap my bra every chance they had. One girl liked to chase me around and try to poke my chest with a sharp pencil to see if I would "pop". I can totally understand your daughter not wanting to recognize her need for a bra if she is one of the first ones in her class.

I would suggest a lycra undershirt with built in support, it is comfortable and does not have a strap.

Also, maybe if you bought her trendy cardigans (if her school allows) she may be more at ease.

Shaz

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 11:00 am

I was the opposite. I was the youngest in my class. I used to wear bras I didn't need because I was embarrassed. I guess it's just hard to be different at that age.

I agree that camisole type tops sound ideal.

Good Luck

greenfire

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 11:06 am

go to old navy or some place like that and get racer back t-type bras ... dd wears a boys A-shirt over that cause she is more comfortable ... and agreed everything is more noticeable without anything at all ...

or you could just get duct tape and tape her down shock

...

agreed that families must be more comfortable with each other - do not make her feel inadequate with her developement around her own brothers ... embarrassed

you do NOT want her to grow up with issues ...

good luck

pizzamom

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 11:23 am

thanks to everyone for all of those suggestions. I'm going to look for the camisole tops, and try to relax a little more about this.

amother

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 3:14 pm

my daughter is the opposite. She is very conscious of those buds and always wears something.

OP are you pushing an actual bra or are you starting her off on a crop top or one of those training bra things.

mine is still in crop tops which do the trick.
when her class was swimming once a girl in the class even suggested to her she wears one under her swimsuit! shock

I thought that was overboard though

RedRuby

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 4:46 pm

you can find sweet camis at GapKids...get a few when they go on sale.

comfy and cute, they don't feel too 'grown up'

good luck....keep being positive, your daughter will pick up on your cues of body image.

try to keep it light and positive, not stressful or "you must"...just really matter-of-a-fact.

amother

Tue, Jan 01 2008, 9:42 pm

Go for all the suggestions of the training bra/ cropped top! They are comfortable, not as noticeable, etc. and won't make her feel like she's wearing a real bra.

I was the opposite - when I put on a bra at the end of seventh grade, (almost 13) it was only after begging my mother... I was just about the only one who didn't need one and I knew all my friends realized I didn't wear one.
I coulda gotten away without wearing one till at least ninth grade! seriously.

But as far as your ds is concerned, very soon many of her friends will start to wear bras and then she'll be more comfortable. Just don't let her feel bad about her body.