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Wahm, dh doesn't help that much and can't afford any help...
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Does your dh make you feel bad for not being the perfect balabusta?
yes  
 20%  [ 22 ]
no  
 79%  [ 86 ]
Total Votes : 108



creativemommyto3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 1:15 pm
What do I do besides be very simple?? It makes it worse when he points out the things I don't get done. I feel like a piece of dirt when he does that. He says he is talking to himself but we all know who it will end up on. I have been working sooo hard to be organized and when he makes comments like that and also doesn't get around to helping . I feel like I just wanna runaway from the whole deal.

Any ideas cuz besides for his tactlessness and disorganization I happen to love him.....
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 1:17 pm
I have the exact same situation. He thinks that since I'm home all day I should have time to do everything but some things I just dont get around to. I just tell him that I am trying my best and that I may not be the neatest, most organized person but thats just me.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 1:25 pm
I feel the same way, sometimes. He seems to take note of the problems here more than of all of the things I do. Like he gets quietly annoyed because the fridge is messy (as he did yesterday, when he was cleaning it out) but doesn't notice that I cleaned the bathroom or organized the kids' clothes. Sometimes he doesn't say anything, but I sense disapproval. Other times he makes a comment.

Here's what I've noticed, though. There are certain areas that, for some reason, make him feel like the place is a disaster. Like our kitchen counter. If there's stuff on it, he kind of frowns when he gets home. Other areas don't make him feel this way. So, if I feel like making him feel better about things, I keep that counter kind of tidy.

I wish he'd notice the invisible things I do, like the bathroom cleaning, which I do almost daily. I wish he'd appreciate the way I stay on top of kids' doctor and dentist appointments, and things related to school. And I wish he'd notice how he contributes to the mess here, which he seems to blame on everyone but himself. I know that I'm a messy and disorganized person, but I do feel that part of what I do here is invisible to him, and he too often takes note of what I miss.

He thinks if here was a SAHD, things would be in better shape. HA!
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creativemommyto3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 1:59 pm
I was soo mad that I really gave it to him. He gave in and did some pots. but I hate screaming and feeling like a dishrag... you guys make me feel better. ...(((HUGS)))))))
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 2:03 pm
I want to add something to this thread, and I hope people will take note. Had creativemommyto3 (we'll talk later about that sn, okay? Wink) posted as amother I would not have responded. To me, another anonymous person posting about husband or household issues would not have been as compelling. But a real person with a real name, talking about a real issue made it more worth jumping in and getting involved. I hope others will follow suit.

(btw, I may have jumped in too soon -- I just noticed this is about working women, and I'm a SAHM. Sorry if I don't belong here. I guess I have less excuse for being a slob, not having a job outside embarrassed)
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 2:18 pm
Creative, what helped tremendously in our house is to divide up the chores. Every chore has an owner, it prevents (mostly) frustration, noone has to (or is allowed to) remind (aka; nag) the other to do their job, unless I get really bad and dh is out of underwear, he won't remind me laundry is mine. We listed up all the chores , sat down one night, decided what percentage of household work we each get based on our schedules, then took turns choosing (what we like most, or the ones the other hates most) until it was set. But we had to agree that we don't bug each other if we slack off unless its dire and we never ever critisize how it should be done or bud in to the others work while in action. HTH.
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creativemommyto3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 2:30 pm
Clarissa wrote:
I want to add something to this thread, and I hope people will take note. Had creativemommyto3 (we'll talk later about that sn, okay? Wink) posted as amother I would not have responded. To me, another anonymous person posting about husband or household issues would not have been as compelling. But a real person with a real name, talking about a real issue made it more worth jumping in and getting involved. I hope others will follow suit.

(btw, I may have jumped in too soon -- I just noticed this is about working women, and I'm a SAHM. Sorry if I don't belong here. I guess I have less excuse for being a slob, not having a job outside embarrassed)


Your advice is quite welcome!
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 3:24 pm
For example, DH bought a vacuum that he really likes, so he uses it. Would that work for you?
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Mimisinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 4:07 pm
Amother - that's a great idea! I just need to get off of this site and do more housework! As for the invisible things - dh TOTALLY doesn't see them, but he will get upset if the table is a mess...so, I don't scrub the toilet every day but really try hard with the table for him. For me, I really like an empty laundry basket so I always do laundry so it doesn't get to be too much.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 4:57 pm
creativemommyto3 wrote:
I was soo mad that I really gave it to him. He gave in and did some pots. but I hate screaming and feeling like a dishrag... you guys make me feel better. ...(((HUGS)))))))


creativemommy:
I'm sorry I missed this thread before...You also work, don't you? Even working at home definitely counts! I've heard that it is harder to clean when working at home, because when people go outside of the house to work, they don't make a mess.

Is there any way of convincing your husband of this. In any case, it sounds like you have made alot of progress and are doing great!
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2008, 9:56 pm
he shouldnt dare-one word and I kill him! my house is always spotless and the kids are always well taken care of, if he gives one bad word he hears from me-u know why-bec he doesnt help a thing-if he helps fine he can say but not if he does zilch
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 2:17 am
My husband doesn't care if I'm not "perfect," but he definitely is affected by certain types of messes. If he is tripping over toys in the kitchen or can't find a clear spot on the counter to put a dish down on, he does grumble. But it's usually not directed towards me, and to tell you the truth, I have enough self-confidence to not MAKE the grumbling be about me. That helps a LOT. It also helps that he does NOT say things like "Can't you keep this place clean?" -- but I will admit that earlier in our marriage I had to, shall we say, guide him toward more diplomatic ways of expressing himself. Now he is much more tactful, with occasional lapses.

Over the years I've taught him (yes, I do take credit for this!) to pitch in more in certain ways that I can rely on. He is the one who unloads the dishwasher. I load -- because if he loads the dishes, half as much fits because it's done haphazardly. I'm systematic and I can pack it all in!! He takes out the trash. He clears up the table after Shabbos. He straightens the living room if it's bugging him to see a mess (rather than come tell me that the living room is a mess -- mind you, this took years of training). He doesn't clean bathrooms, ever. He doesn't scrub the sink. He does sweep.

But the main thing is that I communicated to him, repeatedly and calmly (without getting emotional) that I needed certain things from him in the way of helping, and also in terms of how he speaks to me and expresses his needs/frustrations. So don't give up on your husband! He will get better over time (with your help), and even if he lapses into unpleasantness, remind him & forgive him and move on -- as long as he is making a sincere effort to improve.
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catonmylap




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 3:34 am
My dh understands that cleaning up is not my strength. He's got an excellent cook instead. Since he has been a stay at home Dad, he does the cleaning up, taking out the garbage, 100% of the litter box changing, and dishes(and a very high percentage of the childcare). He did a lot of the cleaning before, but now it's more or less all him. I still do 100% of the cooking and 99% of the laundry.

He walks around practically all-day with the mp3 player listening to npr and other podcasts. He copes with the housework by being distracted by what he's listening to. (I actually should probably try that myself).

He says now that we have a baby, we are allowed to be messy. It's pretty gross right now. But it always somehow gets "decent" for Shabbos every week.

When he gets a job full-time, we will probably need to hire some help. We will see. He was always against help, but when we had someone in chul, it was incredible and he saw the value immediately. My skills are just not in cleaning up the house.
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Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 3:53 am
My husband, slowly but surely, is realizing that housekeeping isnt my forte, and I'm slowly but surely getting to be a neater person.
My husband grew up in a south african home; his mother got used to having servants around the house, but even after she stopped having them when she came to israel, she needed, for her own emotional sanity, to keep her house up to those same standards of cleanliness.
Of course, this need for tidyness got passed on to my husband, all his brothers, and his sister. They need, for their own sanity, for the place to be spotless.
I, on the other hand, came from a home where cleanliness definitely wasn't the top priority. Our "clean" looked like my husband's dirty.
My husband helped me by making a list on our whiteboard on the fridge, what housework he would appreciate if it would get done by the time he got home from work.
My problem with housework is I never know where to start, and it seems like an unending chore... So when I have a detailed list what to do, I know to get those done- and usually it takes under 2 hours. And when I have those done, my husband comes home from work happy. Yes, not every little thing was done, theres always more to do, but my husband won't complain because the most basic things that matter most to him were done.
My husband also is learning to relax his standard... He'll let the dishes go a few days in the sink before he comments. But I do know that I should do them. He'll let some things slide. He won't neccesarily comment on them- he'll just start cleaning inside drawers and things like that, because he has to clean tiny little unimportant things when a mess is overwhelming him.

I learned that there are certain chores my husband will do, and even sometimes volunteer to do. He takes out the garbage (without my asking, generally), sweeps and mops who whole house, generally likavod shabbos, and often does the laundry.

And sometimes, when he starts to complain about my level of housekeeping, I take him to visit my mother and sister; he sees their messes and he ends up appreciating my standards of housework more...
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miriamnechama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 6:07 am
breslov nice post.. but my dh used todo spoanja by stopped. his friends told him if youlift a broom youwon't put it down.

I have also difficulty with mmy house, butthere are times which are worse. I'm also add so it makes things harder, but I trained my self to focus on one room at a time,and even that doesn't work... look now I was in the kids roomand got side tracked and am here on ima.. better get back there.

he knows eg when after birth or surgery not to expect much done for whoknows how long.. I try to do the basics he wants ie salon and kitchen for when he comes back. I also find tha the used to compare my neighbours really neat houses to mine.. it drove me crazy and told him to shut up.... now he doesn't do that anymore. I also find pesach the most stressful time of teh year.... (iu'm gonnamake a thread on that). and alot of times after pesach I'll have noenergy todod nothing cus of that. recently I blamed it on the b.c. oills but now I'm off I can get more done. also I find taht I leave everything til thursday then tyhursday I'm up till 5 am cleaning... not good eh.

now he's sloly learning tah I can do what I can..... he als did once a mivtza with me... sounds stupid but he'd give me something at nightif teh place was clean, but I try anyways. he didn't especially come from a neat home but.....
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TwinsMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 12:20 pm
I work at home.... so when my husband comes in and the house is a mess, I start ticking off what I did today that was work related---- I made $400 from these 6 customers, and I delivered these 2 orders with the kids, and I interviewed this potential team member, and I scheduled 2 new appointments...... then the kitchen table doesn't seem to be so important. Plus the kids are in clean diapers, fed, and played with. Let's see if YOU could do all that if I left YOU at home all day, hmmm? Smile
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Newsie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 12:36 pm
I have a similar situation to Breslov- I'm messy and not so bothered by a slightly cluttered house and my husband grew up in the cleanest neatest house. His mother is neurotic about cleanliness. I've been trying to be neater and make sure the living room/dining room is somewhat neat by the time he gets home because I know it makes him crazy, but sometimes it's crazy here and he shows up at the end of our crazy time in the house (5-7) and the house looks like a tornado blew through and he'll wordlessly start picking up toys and clothes and whatever else and even though he doesn't say anything I feel like it's a wordless indictment. Whenever he watches the kids by himself during bathtime, dinner time, bed time (even just some of them) I feel vindicated because he sees how difficult it is- but I'm not sure he remembers it on a daily basis
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e1234




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 12:54 pm
I can relate.. I work from home and many hours..
my house is not always clean - I can't do everything.. and sometimes my work comes first.. my husband is usually good about it but when he gets upset about something then it all comes out and how the house is a mess and all...
this week I took 10 minutes before starting work to straightening out - but it was 10 minutes less I got done of work..
I can't do it all.
I do hire someone for laundry though and just take it off of what im making for working extra time in the eve... I can't do it all.
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cdawnr




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 1:11 pm
I could have written mst of these responses.
As a wahm, finding the directed time is so difficult and you feel it nagging at you, like I am home,so why aren't I running thelaundry (prob cause it is all the way int he basement...lol) or whatever.

My dh has increased his neatness needs since we bought a house, which has frustrated me because it came at the same time as baby #3, so I just can't get much done when the kids are home and when they aren't I am working.

And I know that it is my low self estime that makes it feel like he is reproaching me when he tlaks about things that need to be taken care of housework wise.

On the other hand, he keeps fining fixit jobs for the house which I want to shout at him and say doing a voluntary fix-it job is not helping with the housework!!!

But more and more he gets it.

Hang in their Creativemommy--and try to see hwat he is willing to help with.
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MrsLeo




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2008, 4:57 pm
I dont actually work from home I just surf the web for my perfume business during the day so I'm more of a SAHM than a WAHM.
So anyways, my husband's mother is not very neat (to put it in nicely) and coming from there my husband expects more I guess but im not the neatest person and the dining room table is full of papers and plates and cups and what-not, but isnt EVERYONES dining room table like that during the week? My level of neat is that there is nothing on the floor to trip over and the house doesnt stink. So wat if I dont wash the dishes as soon as they hit the sink? So wat if my worn once clothes are on the dresser? I dont find these things messy they are just signs that people actually live here. If everything was spotless it wouldnt be a house it would be a museum! Am I wrong?
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