Wahm, dh doesn't help that much and can't afford any help...

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Forum -> Working Women

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Does your dh make you feel bad for not being the perfect balabusta?

yes

20%

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79%

[ 86 ]

Total Votes : 108

Mimisinger

Thu, Jan 03 2008, 5:13 pm

Mrs Leo - I agree completely, by the way, I love your new pic, and boy have a a boy for her Smile

Akeres Habayis

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 2:33 am

I hope I dont get bashed,but I noticed somethings from the previous posts.
I'm now a sahm instead of a wahm(another time for explanation)but anyway. I found that when I cleaned the things that were VISIBLE it made a differrence like the table its the first thing he sees when he comes, in the counters in the kitchen. I'm now addicted to flylady and it helps a lot. I also(I hope yael wont mind) keep track of how long I am on imamothers the time I am on it I could have taken 5mins to do something that is in vision from the computer.
working from home can be tough especially when you have to see to the children,pay bills,clean etc etc.
make a list of all the things you do in the day,dont cheat if you are on imamothers an 1hr or even 30min write it down.if you surf the net no matter the reason write it down. I realized, when I write down these things I realize that I could have taken another 5min to put things in order
and every woman should have a shalom bayis closet/drawer/chest).
LOL

mimivan

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 2:35 am

Great suggestions neshama rut...
Although I used to keep a shalom bayis drawer to stuff things on Erev Shabbos...my husband discovered it once, and Poof! there went our shalom bayis! LOL

(I think it would work for most ladies, though)

grin

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 2:44 am

to preface: I myself stayed at home raising my kids for 20 years; when my youngest started gan, I started an outside job.
1st off - personally I think that "working" Moms actually have an easier time keeping a clean house since I would assume that their children are in some sort of daycare at least part of the time, so they don't have as much time to mess up the hosue and you're not as involved with diapering, feeding, etc - the stuff that's so time-consuming and yet are hard to see when you first walk in the door.
I also was careful to say - I don't work out of the house. (what, stay SAHM's aren't working?! They work even harder, often without a break, IMO.)
It really used to bug me when he would ask "so what did you do all day?", not realizing that I had been run ragged all day, without even taking into account the dishes that had been washed and then dirtied again, the crabby baby etc.
Watching the crowd when I had my 6th cured him for life. Then when I complained that "I got nothing done", he laughed!

catonmylap

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 4:44 am

I'm relieved to hear that we aren't the only ones with a messy house.

One of my good friends said to me, I love coming to your house since you are the only ones (like us) who don't have a super neat house(with kids).

grin

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 6:49 am

I hope it also helps to hear that as the kids grow older and responsible (hopefully) as well, the mess grows more manageable.

Akeres Habayis

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 10:33 am

ok no shabboscloset Sad

but u can take 5mins to do the table anything that is immediately in your vision Tongue Out

mimivan

Wed, Jan 09 2008, 1:04 pm

Well, he hasn't said anything about my official mess basket. I have a laundry basket of things I just can't sort out before Erev Shabbos (or to be frank, many times during the week)...I tell him "This is my mess basket...and that is that"

If I keep a mess basket it doesn't bug him, but a whole closet...kind of freaks him out...oh well, a basket is second best!

Maybe I could have an untidy closet that looks tidy because all the random items are in plastic bags??

Starhavah

Wed, Jan 16 2008, 12:25 pm

I am a work outside the house mom, but I think you all are lucky to have DH's who care about the house and (some of whom) help out. My DH is a WAHD (although the children are not here during work hours so it more just WAH w/o the D part) anyway, DH does not care what the house looks like unless the in-laws are coming and refuses to help. He complains his back hurts (if he were any more sedentary he would be in a coma!) or that he worked all day and wants to relax by watching TV. I never get any help at all. If I want something clean I do it myself. After almost 10 years of marriage DH will take his dish off the table and bring it to the kitchen and place it on the counter (but not in the dishwasher). If I am out for dinner the dinner dishes are left on the table despite DH knowing that this a particular bug-a-boo of mine. Crying

I guess I am kinda of depressed today.

Star Havah

mimivan

Wed, Jan 16 2008, 10:24 pm

Don't be depressed Starhava...

if it makes you feel any better, I work full time and am in the same situation (and I work at home, so the house gets messier)..

DH does exactly the same thing, but I've stopped getting depressed about it because with him I know it is a cultural issue (the culture in which he was raised...men don't help...that's it)

I was kvetching about this, but this is the man Hashem matched me up with and he is my bashert...he has many good qualities, so if the doesn't scrape his plate and clean up after himself...okay that should be the worst of it

(but when he criticizes...well ..then I don't feel so benevolent! But then, that's his culture too...) I have told him that if he doesn't help, he shouldn't criticize...when he is calm, he accepts this as reasonable and logical..the trick is to find exactly the right time to talk to a husband..

perhaps you could talk to dh about scraping his plate and putting it in the dishwasher...tell him it would be so much easier if he did..

With me, I prefer to choose my battles. Like b'h he plays with the kids for 20 minutes and lets me lie down now...so I don't feel like discussing the dirty dish with him..

Starhavah

Mon, Jan 21 2008, 1:46 pm

mimivan wrote:

Don't be depressed Starhava...

thanks.

mimivan wrote:

if it makes you feel any better, I work full time and am in the same situation (and I work at home, so the house gets messier)..

I know what you mean! I used to work at home. Now DH works at home.
But we did not overlap on working at home. DH likes it much more than I did.

mimivan wrote:

DH does exactly the same thing, but I've stopped getting depressed about it because with him I know it is a cultural issue (the culture in which he was raised...men don't help...that's it)
<snip>
(but when he criticizes...well ..then I don't feel so benevolent!

With my DH it is not cultural. DH just doesn't care. He doesn't criticize if the house is a mess either (unless his parents are coming over) since he doesn't care. As long as there are no roaches crawling around the house, he really doesn't care. He doesn't help, because it truly does not bother him that the house is a mess.

mimivan wrote:

..the trick is to find exactly the right time to talk to a husband..

That is so true...Often it feels like I do not want to rock the boat, we just got over a fight or he is doing something nice, so when do I say, "Hey, I need more help around here?" I just feel the fact that it is important to me should mean more to him than it does. I do things because they are important to him. Why doesn't he does things cause they are importnat to me?

Star Havah

perhaps you could talk to dh about scraping his plate and putting it in the dishwasher...tell him it would be so much easier if he did..

With me, I prefer to choose my battles. Like b'h he plays with the kids for 20 minutes and lets me lie down now...so I don't feel like discussing the dirty dish with him..[/quote]

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