Teen seeking independence -- how young is too young?

amother

Sat, Jan 12 2008, 7:48 pm

DD is 13+ and is complaining that I do not let her go to the mall, skating, bowling, etc. with her friends unless a parent of one of the girls is in attendance and is supervising. She complains that "all of her friends" are allowed except for her (I know this is not true, but some are, mostly those with very busy parents and many older sibs), but I am not comfortable that 13 is old enough to be out there on her own. Especially with all the crazies -- pedophiles, etc. out there. And she has no cell phone -- I have resisted thusfar. But what is the consensus -- how old is old enough?

greenfire

Sat, Jan 12 2008, 8:00 pm

it obviously depends on the type of kid - how mature - how responsible ... probably which neighborhood and what time of day or night ...

chocolate moose

Sat, Jan 12 2008, 8:04 pm

Our schools didn't allow mixed bowling or skating so that may be somelthing to consider; perhaps your schools can make a girls only night?

technic

Sat, Jan 12 2008, 8:17 pm

2 of mine fall in2 this agegroup (dds, 12 and 14) and I have 2 tell u that a cell makes a HUGE difference psychologically - 2 me anyway - both are allowed out alone and w friends during the day but not at nite, and they know that they have 2 b sensible abt telling me roughly where theyll b and till when (depending on the circs) - but w out the cellphone id find it really difficult!!!!

tovasmom

Sat, Jan 12 2008, 8:24 pm

DD is desparate for a cellphone and I have rebuffed thusfar as I think she wants one for status rather than needing one. So unless something changes and she needs one she's not getting one yet.

Seraph

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 10:36 am

rg wrote:

Israeli standards seem to be much different - here it's not considered acceptable until 18 (yeshiva gedola or sem.)

Maybe depends which circles... Because in DL circles, 15 year olds will go on cross country trips, camping with their freinds, etc, with no adult supervision...

amother

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 11:19 am

So all of you Brooklyn Imamothers with young teens (not in HS yet) would simply drop dd off at say, Kings Plaza or Aviator, with no adult supervision and say, "Have fun, call me when you want to go home" ???? I have a problem with that, certainly with the things I have heard go on at Aviator.

red sea

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 11:26 am

I think it also depends on when. Aviator 10:00 Sunday morning, I dont think its a problem, kings plaza 8:00 at night, a problem. But this just my opinion, I dont have a 13 yr old daughter, so cud be different if I did, dont know. Or you could become the chauffer mommy who has nothing better to do than provide transportation (and sneak in supervision) so youre not the mean one who never lets. Didnt you always want to learn to do triple sow cows (or whatever theyre called) anyway Twisted Evil

? Come on the laundry really doesnt need to get done, seriously, good luck.

technic

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 11:57 am

red sea wrote:

Didnt you always want to learn to do triple sow cows (or whatever theyre called) anyway Twisted Evil

"triple sow cows" exist only in the minds of mad genetic engineers!!! Twisted Evil

a "salchow", on the other hand, is a term used in ice-skating 8)

red sea

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 12:21 pm

technic wrote:

red sea wrote:

Didnt you always want to learn to do triple sow cows (or whatever theyre called) anyway Twisted Evil

"triple sow cows" exist only in the minds of mad genetic engineers!!! Twisted Evil

a "salchow", on the other hand, is a term used in ice-skating 8)

see I always knew I needed a good ice skating education, ty ty ty tech, youve just justified all my time on imamother til now and henceforth, I now have a real reason for being here wasting my time, oops not, wasting, learning. I now know how to spell salchow, forever grateful to ya. 16 years it took for me to learn the correct spelling of coffee, now another bunch for salchow, I can only imagine how many other words of mine need correcting Very Happy

amother

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 12:31 pm

red sea, most teens nowadays would rather be sleeping early Sunday morning and would not want to go skating bright and early -- for Aviator they want to go Saturday night, which has even been forbidden by some yeshivos at this point. And my teen would rather not go that to have me tag along in many cases now (we're at the stage where parents have started to become embarrasing). I was just wondering whether my view of the situation is not in synch with the practice out there. Doesn't mean I will start letting her go out on Saturday night by herself (which does not seem ok by the consensus) if everyone said it was ok, not likely.

greenfire

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 12:35 pm

motzei shabbos is a perfect night to go iceskating ... I thought the aviator was some sort of hotel joint ...

there is a boundary ... there are people there ya know ... or at least in the iceskating place here ...

and defiant rebellious teens ... know where when what and how ... so ... either way ...

shanie5

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 12:52 pm

my dd is 16, and has a cell phone, and I dont let her go to the mall at night w/o supervision. so what if her friends mothers "let". I am not them.

we had one occasion when dd wanted to go to a movie, but after watching the previews online, I said no. "but everyone else is allowed to" was her response. I stood firm. in the end, the girls did not go cuz one mother heard I wouldnt let and trusted my judgment!!!!

now I remember that another mother may be relying on my judgment, and do what I feel is right.

red sea

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 1:22 pm

well if u mean aviator motzei shabbos unsupervised u gotta be outta ur mind to let her go cel or not. somebody's parent better be there to supervise - and by the way - this opin is of a still teen herself, not mine.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 7:38 pm

There is no standard answer. There are things that some of my kids did early that their siblings could not. My ds could be left at home when we left the yishuv for a wedding and be responsible for 2 other boys, one older, one younger from the time he was 12. I have one nearly 15 who cannot be responsible for himself let alone the house, store or a sibling. Don't make any decisions based on what "everyone else does", even if true. Ditto on begging. Use one rule only - is your child ready for this responsibility and is it good for them. Talk with them but if you have to say no then you have to. Crying and theatrics are a relatively good sign you are not mature enough, we'll discuss it when you are calm.

If the school says no, all the better - and do uphold rules put down by the school.

Tefila

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 8:40 pm

If you dont feel good about it then don't OP b/c once you do it will be much harder going back on it. I think she should earn it and perhaps when she is older you'd consider it.
Imaonwheels and RG as usual good posts Smile