Was my dh right to tell the truth?

amother

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 7:06 am

Just curious what your take is on this---

Someone asked my dh to daven for his kids to get good shidduchim.

Dh said "I can't commit to that."

The guy got mad at him.

Most people who heard the story said dh should have just lied.

I respect that dh told the truth. He probably should have said it nicer like "I'll try." I would have just said "sure" myself even though I know I can't commit to that.

What do you think?

sarahd

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 7:11 am

I would also probably have said something along the lines of "I'll try", but I'm wondering if you really want us to critique what your husband said. What do you hope to gain from asking this question?

amother

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 7:55 am

OP here-

I guess I'm trying to figure out myself how to be a supportive wife and at that same time how to counsel him and push him in the right direction.

gamekeeper

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 9:55 am

what we need to understand here is how sensitive the topic of shidduchim is. the father is obviously feeling desperate and really needed to know that people are thinking of his children

on the other hand, what your husband did, was very admirable- being honest. how often are we flippant with promises without actually floolowing through!

im sure that if the father would have aprouched about another topic he would have admired your husband for not promising what he does not think that he can deliver!

maybe encourage him to phone the father and appologies that what he said came out the way it did, and that he was just trying to be honest as he has other things on his mind and in his tefilos for the time being...

shopaholic

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 9:57 am

Bli neder would have been better, but along the same lines, he was saying he can't promise anything. I guess the choice of words DOES make a difference.

amother

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 9:59 am

my dh would say the same thing I think. I think it's personality. But I'm not sure we are getting the whole picture here. why was this person asking your dh?

chocolate moose

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 10:04 am

mimivan wrote:

Whatever happened to good old "bli neder?"

Bli neder doesn't absolve a person. If he agrees, he agrees.

mimivan

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 10:13 am

chocolate moose wrote:

mimivan wrote:

Whatever happened to good old "bli neder?"

Bli neder doesn't absolve a person. If he agrees, he agrees.

What if the bli neder is totally neutral and without a conscious comittment?

DefyGravity

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 10:40 am

My husband probably would've said the same thing. I would've also said that I'd try but can't commit. I have before!

chocolate moose

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 11:00 am

mimivan wrote:

What if the bli neder is totally neutral and without a conscious comittment?

But that's not what bli neder is for. If you think you won't do something, don't say you will. Say "you'll try".

HindaRochel

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 11:41 am

amother wrote:

Someone asked my dh to daven for his kids to get good shidduchim.

Dh said "I can't commit to that."

Okay, why couldn't he say a quick prayer on the children's behalf? This doesn't have to be something long and involved.

Fox

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 11:57 am

I agree with HindaRochel. When someone asks you to daven for them in a general way, they're usually not asking you to make a huge commitment -- they just want to be kept in your thoughts and tefillos occasionally. I suspect it came out sounding like OP's husband didn't think the children were worth his tefillos on their behalf, and naturally, the man was offended.

It says incredibly great things about your DH, though, that he takes tefillah so seriously. You should be very, very proud that he doesn't take such requests lightly.

Sometimes guys are a little blunt for their own good, though, and maybe just remind him how such a refusal might come out sounding. It also wouldn't hurt for him to apologize to the man, explaining that he misunderstood the request to be a larger commitment than he was able to make.

amother

Wed, Mar 12 2008, 1:08 pm

amother wrote:

my dh would say the same thing I think. I think it's personality. But I'm not sure we are getting the whole picture here. why was this person asking your dh?

Because my dh has semicha and has served as a Rav. He is only 30 so he felt kind of uncomfortable with the request. There's some history there too that he had previously been asked by the same man to daven for him to have more kids(and at the time, we didn't have any kids yet).