question about boys (teenage/low twenties....)

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Question about boys (teenage/low twenties....)

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amother

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:48 am

in response to crayon. I gguess if you don't have real proof and just a feeling o fweariness abt s/o then what are you going to do, say he loves kids and makes you nervous. some ppl genuinly love kids. so my post was basically asking if this is proof that there is an issue. or if it could be a medical thing or s/t that coudl mean it doesn't mean anythign.

the sharing a bed thing I actually only found out after my original post here...

Crayon210

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:50 am

With boys it is generally unusual for them to really like being around little kids as much as you're describing.

And if you get a bad feeling, do something about it, don't wait for 'proof'. Proof, unfortunately, comes too late.

Now that you know about the bed thing, go deal with it.

amother

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:53 am

ya that's the next thing. how to deal with it...

any advice other than keep my kids away from him?

Crayon210

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:55 am

Where are his parents?

Do you have a rav?

amother

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:58 am

his parents are alive and well. but its a complicated... we will be talking abt it with them.

we do have a rav and I would be mortified but would def. speak to him or to their rav if I don't see anything being done abt it.

Ruchel

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:58 am

I just realized I know a few families who have hired a bochur to take care (as a sitter + homework help+ help for kodesh stuff for boys) of the kids. They all told me "he's great with kids, he loves them".
OP would you mind just saying your country?

Crayon210

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:59 am

Assume that nothing will be done about it.

Try not to feel mortified about speaking to your rav. It is very important. Stay on top of the issue, make sure something happens.

amother

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 9:59 am

btw, a normal response from a parent would be immediate therapy right?

please correct me if I'm wrong...

louche

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:00 am

Crayon210 wrote:

My point wasn't misplaced modesty, it was just trying to put things into perspective.

I really do not think it's normal to notice boys or young men (or anyone, really) in that particular way.

As I said before, while it's possible that OP spends her days contemplating teenage zippers for fun, I seriously doubt it. If she was getting weird vibes about this young man when he had kids on his lap, well, I think I'd be scanning the area, too.

Crayon210

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:01 am

amother wrote:

btw, a normal response from a parent would be immediate therapy right?

please correct me if I'm wrong...

Yes.

And getting the person away from kids, putting together some sort of 'plan'.

Etc.

Crayon210

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:01 am

louche wrote:

Crayon210 wrote:

My point wasn't misplaced modesty, it was just trying to put things into perspective.

I really do not think it's normal to notice boys or young men (or anyone, really) in that particular way.

Or you could just speak up about suspicions.

Ruchel

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:01 am

amother wrote:

btw, a normal response from a parent would be immediate therapy right?

please correct me if I'm wrong...

if really he's "liking" children, OF COURSE!!!

amother

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:01 am

rachel- he doesn't get hired out to help with kids, homework etc. and its the lovely USA

Ruchel

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:02 am

thanks

amother

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:03 am

louche wrote:

Crayon210 wrote:

My point wasn't misplaced modesty, it was just trying to put things into perspective.

I really do not think it's normal to notice boys or young men (or anyone, really) in that particular way.

thank you louche!

louche

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 10:23 am

amother wrote:

he is too touchy with older kids in his lap, asks if his little nephews can sleep in his bed..he truly seems to like kids..but seeing that raised a red flag in my opinion. .

and rightly so! kudos to you for trying to be dan lechaf zechus even as you try to protect innocent children.

The young man may not be an active pedophile (yet) but he could be headed in that direction. Asking for little children to share his bed is definitely not normal! (I hope no one took him up on it, oy vey.)

His seeming to genuinely like kids doesn't mitigate the potential problem. On the contrary. The problem is he may genuinely like kids way too much. Michael Jackson also truly liked children..and also liked to share a bed with little boys. Many predators have a likable persona--if they weren't likable, people would avoid them and they wouldn't be able to get to their intended victims.

The young man in question needs to be taken in hand, at any rate. Maybe he just needs to be redirected. Is it possible he's so naive he doesn't realize what he's doing, or that what he's doing is wrong? If so, some straight talk from an expert may solve the problem. OTOH, if he does know what he's doing, therapy is in order...and if he himself was molested, his abuser needs to be found, too.

greenfire

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 11:28 am

#1 it's normal ... and noticeable ... hormones are raging at that age ...

only you can know if the specific circumstances were inappropriate ...

and if he is inappropriately or deliberately playing with the kids for a cheap thrill ... I would keep him away from my kids ...

Motek

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 12:23 pm

louche wrote:

it takes very little--and sometimes nothing at all, or nothing more than a stray thought completely unrelated to what's going on around them-- to set them off. Ask any HS history/math/vocabulary teacher.

You think the typical HS teacher of boys notices this on a regular basis? Confused

freidasima

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 12:51 pm

Well I would say it depends upon whether the guy is trying to hide it like when he stands up holding a notebook in front of his private area...seen that kind of stuff all the time with teenage boys, very very normal... (the holding the book in front of the pants business)...

but op you have a real strange case on your hands...the giveaway isn't the tight in the britches business, but the wanting little kids to sleep in his bed...can't think of any teenage boy who would want a kid to sleep with them in their bed...when our boys had to share a bed for the night - there is a 7 year age difference between them - because we needed a bed for a cousin, they balked and one ended up sleeping on the floor with a blanket - not even on a carpet! Just not to sleep with his kid brother in a bed...

So go know..

Clarissa

Tue, Apr 29 2008, 12:56 pm

Motek wrote:

louche wrote:

You think the typical HS teacher of boys notices this on a regular basis? Confused

I'm hoping the typical HS teacher doesn't stare at crotches, but even when I was young, I remember people joking about boys having to carry books in front of them at all times, and dreading being called to the blackboard. Rumor had it that many a young man tried to quell thoughts by imagining baseball, busloads of aged nuns, their mothers yelling at them to clean their rooms.

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