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Would you bring a baby to a Shivah house?
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 7:31 am
his_sweety wrote:
I personally think it's not bad, especially if it's family.
I recently sat shiva, and it was a really really sad time, every time someone would come with a baby and the baby would giggle or smile, it made me feel so much better!


But that's a distraction. That's not what shiva is. Shiva is focusing on the person and the loss.
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mummy-bh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 7:36 am
Choc, the mitzva is to sit shiva. There is no mitzva to cry for 7 days straight. One is not permitted to engage in leytzonus, but one is allowed to smile.
Interestingly enough, I learned that the person sitting shiva is not allowed to hold their children, as this will cause pleasure (unless the child is in need of comfort) but there are no restrictions about having the children present.
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ILOVELIFE




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 7:39 am
I think the focus of a shiva visit is to focus on the avel. I think a baby is inapporpriate there and will not allow u to focus on the nichum aveilim properly. Maybe make a phone 'shiva' call or try really hard to get a baby sitter
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 8:13 am
mummy-bh wrote:
Choc, the mitzva is to sit shiva.


That is actually NOT what I learned. It's not limited to that.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 8:14 am
ILOVELIFE wrote:
I think the focus of a shiva visit is to focus on the avel. I think a baby is inapporpriate there and will not allow u to focus on the nichum aveilim properly. Maybe make a phone 'shiva' call or try really hard to get a baby sitter


But the din is not what people think. The din is the din.
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chaylizi




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 8:22 am
when my mother sat shiva for my father, we were in the house most of the time. at 6 years old, I was the oldest of the children. I would have felt very bad if someone had kicked me out.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 8:31 am
obviously you were mature enough to handle it. the kids that wre sent to school were not. they were wrestling with each other and such.
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his_sweety




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 8:41 am
chocolate moose wrote:
his_sweety wrote:
I personally think it's not bad, especially if it's family.
I recently sat shiva, and it was a really really sad time, every time someone would come with a baby and the baby would giggle or smile, it made me feel so much better!


But that's a distraction. That's not what shiva is. Shiva is focusing on the person and the loss.



it's a time for healing, in whichever way you get to do it. the first day we were indeed talking only about our great loss and hatzolo had to be called and transfer a family member to the hospital, he couldn't breathe out of pain of our loss, some losses are extremely tragic and unexpected, and we had a loss like that, and in that case having a smiling baby did not make us forget about our loss, we never will forget about him, I still today cry for the loss quite often, it just made it a little easier.
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chaylizi




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 8:45 am
chocolate moose wrote:
obviously you were mature enough to handle it. the kids that wre sent to school were not. they were wrestling with each other and such.


I was so heartbroken- wrestling or misbehaving never crossed my mind.
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Pickle Lady




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 9:08 am
I really think it also depends. A friend of mine recently had her mother pass away. None of her family was around for the shiva, meaning her family was back in her home country sitting shiva. So it was only friends that came to the shiva house. Most of her friends are young mothers with small kids. I wanted to be there to comfort my friend but I had a very hard time finding a babysitter for it. When I was able to find a babysitter I didn't bring my baby.
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ChavieK




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 10:10 am
When dh was sittting shiva for fil, our kids went to school & then came back to the house. They also neede their time to grieve & mourn in Zaidy's house. They didn't need to be there all day.My baby was there with me, except when friends came to get him. They were all fine with people bringing kidsfor a short relativly quiet time . Fil loved children & they loved him & wanted to be menachem avel his children & wife.
Recently my father was sitting shiva for his bro at my cousins house. We had a 3 hour drive to get to my dad. All my kids besides my 3 yr old know enough & wanted to be there, my parents wanted all of them there. What should I have done with ds all day? I had all my other kids to take turns watching him. Cousins & their spouses wanted to see him.
I can give other examples times that it is approriate.
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amother


 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 6:57 pm
when my MIL was sitting shiva I spent alot of time there. I had a 6 week old and being that she was sitting in Queens and I live in Brooklyn getting a babysitter and going between feedings would've been very difficult I took her with me and tried to keep her in a different room. Most of the time it worked but at times it did seem inappropriate that she was there.
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mumoo




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 9:17 pm
momof3 wrote:

Also, what's wrong with sending the deceased's granchildren to school? They are not sitting shiva.


cm first wrote about her father and her children and then she wrote

Quote:
When a neighbor sat for his wife, his own kids were told to go to school.


the nifteres was their mother (or stepmother?)
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amother


 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 11:36 pm
(OP here)

In the end I brought my baby. and I'm glad I did.
Firstly, my baby and the two other babies all played together on the floor.
It brought smiles to e/o's faces.
and, my Aunt asked to hold him, my baby hugged her back, and she got such enjoyment out of it.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 09 2008, 7:18 am
mumoo wrote:
the nifteres was their mother (or stepmother?)


It was their own mother.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 25 2008, 4:39 am
chocolate moose wrote:
mumoo wrote:
the nifteres was their mother (or stepmother?)


It was their own mother.


being their own mother - the should have been left home to sit shiva and to be allowed to emote ... no matter how uncomfortable someone feels ... you cannot evade death especially if it's your own mother ... shock
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