Tsniyus, child abuse, burkas and NORMALCY - Rosenblum

ChossidMom

Thu, May 08 2008, 4:36 am

In Praise of Normalcy

by Jonathan Rosenblum
Mishpacha
May 7, 2008

Just before Pesach, the front pages of all Israel's major papers were filled for days with three cases of horrific child abuse. In two of the cases, some of the children involved will likely never recover from their physical injuries, and it is hard to imagine the emotional injuries ever healing in any of the cases. Each of the three cases involved chareidi mothers.

One chareidi commentator noted that the explosion of the cases in the headlines seemed perfectly timed to coincide with the release of national figures on child abuse. And huge headlines quoting investigators describing the abuse as the worse they had ever encountered will be true only until the next sickening case comes to light. But the secret long known to social workers in the chareidi community is out of the bag: Our children enjoy no immunity from horrible abuse at the hands of their parents.

Each of the cases involved its own sensationalistic details, and together they raise many questions. The mother in the case in Beit Shemesh was the charismatic leader of a group of women, almost all whom came from non-chareidi backgrounds, who have taken to covering themselves in 18 layers or so of clothing, and who had already managed to achieve a certain international celebrity. The mother in the case in Jerusalem had apparently fallen under the spell of newly religious "mekubal," who directed her.

Among the issues raised by these cases is: How is it that so many newcomers to the chareidi world have imbibed so many strange ideas? Who is teaching them? What kind of connection do they have with rabbonim once they enter the world? Even if they come with longstanding socio-pathologies, why does no one notice this?

Another issue is: How did these cases go unreported for so long? The abuse in the Beit Shemesh case went on for many years, and the screams of the children from beatings they were receiving and the marks they bore could not have gone unnoticed. Calev Ben-David, writing in the Jerusalem Post, asked a question that deserves an answer: If, as the chareidi world claims, the perpetrators of these heinous acts did not grow up in the chareidi world, were not educated in its schools, and do not represent it, why was the chareidi community hesitant about reporting their acts?

Now, the truth is, we do not really know what was observed and not reported, or whether there were reports and they were ignored. These cases did all eventually come to light. Nor should we assume that abuse issues are exclusively confined any particular segment of the community.

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv has ruled that one may not remain silent where there are strong reasons to suspect abuse within the family or in other contexts. Proper procedural safeguards must be in place to prevent witch hunts based on scant evidence, but nothing justifies placing children in danger of terrible physical or emotional damage.

In the past, part of the reluctance of the chareidi community to report abuse to governmental authorities has been a deep, and often justified, suspicion of government social workers, and the fear, based on experience, that some of them are eager for any pretext to remove chareidi children from their homes. In communities where the government social workers are chareidi, there is, in fact, a high rate of reporting of abuse cases (though no one can say with certainty what percentage of the actual cases are reported.)

THE CASE OF THE BURQA WOMAN from Beit Shemesh also brings out a point that has application to many areas. Here was a woman ostensibly acting with such extreme care with regard to tznius, and meanwhile things were taking place in her own home over a prolonged period of time that were the height of immorality and a break down of all boundaries of tznius. How could such a thing happen?

The truth is that we should expect precisely that. Extreme modes of piety often betoken an unhealthy obsession with the particular area regulated by the halacha. The rabbis of Beit Shemesh, including the rav of a community known for its meticulous observance of the laws of tznius, recognized this and spoke out forcefully against the Burqa women.

In the classic work Kav Hayashar (Chapter 52), the author inveighs against external shows of extreme piety. He describes a father who leaves a tzava (ethical will) to his son, in which he warns him to always be wary of all forms of extreme piety. The author describes how that insight later serves the son well when his wife tells him that she no longer wants to leave the house because a man might look at her.

"As Shlomo Hamelech wrote [in Koheles], 'Be neither too righteous nor too evil,' and Chazal tell us to be wary of hypocrites, who appear to separate themselves from all materialism and then act like Zimri, while expecting to receive the reward of Pinchas," writes the author of Kav Hayashar.

And even before the Kav Hayashar, the Gemara provided the same insight when it said that the Yishmaelites, who were always known for their extreme modesty in dress, received nine out of ten measures of immorality that came down to the world.

For Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky "normal" was a halachic criterion. He once said that he doubted that a particular type of matzos were those that the Torah intended since they did not fulfill the verse, "All its ways are ways of pleasantness." Rav Yaakov had his own chumros in a number of areas, but they were never on showy display. And never did he seek to impose them on others.

I once asked a young man who had been a house bochur in Reb Yaakov's house what he had seen. He replied, "Nothing, absolutely nothing." Everything Reb Yaakov did was too worked out in advance to attract attention.

Reb Yaakov was one of the true "tzaddikim," to whom the author of the Kav Hayashar tells us we should seek to attach ourselves. If there was anything notable about his behavior, it was not the display of piety but his meticulous care with respect to all aspects of mitzvos bein adam l'chaveiro.

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mimivan

Thu, May 08 2008, 5:08 am

good points...
about the Ishmaelites...their avodas zarah, before they became Muslim, centered around cults of prostitution and incest...

No wonder they have been so obsessive through the centuries about covering up.

mamacita

Thu, May 08 2008, 5:44 am

I've seen personally how BTs can go to extremes to "hide" or erase their background. I was basically told by a friend not to dress or act too BT when I visit her. I don't even know what that means! Tongue Out

Like her neighbors will see that I'm not wearing all black and the truth will come out and we'll all be boycotted? Seriously though, it's telling that most of these extremist cases are by BTs/gerim. It's worse than just the flaming BT syndrome that could burn out someday or burn a bystander, these women went beyond even the normal crazy.

mimivan

Thu, May 08 2008, 5:49 am

I have nothing against BTs...I am not FFB myself..but it is for this precise reason I would like to see at least one Yichus familly or FFB family in our neighborhood...our kehilla is almost 100% BT and it gets to be a big competition of craziness sometimes...I think all bts and gerim need at least one FFB family they could look up to for stability and model their approach on.

I get a lot of chizuk and good insights from my mashpia who is FFB

The burkah lady was not only BT...her mother said the way she dressed and acted when young used to be shocking...looks like she went too far the other way.

HooRYou

Thu, May 08 2008, 5:54 am

Perhaps its just that the people who become BT are my nature seekers / grow-ers and they see some of these ideas as an easy way to grow to the next madrega. Also, since BTs are not always so accpeted or taken seriously maybe these people show them respect and belief in their power to grow while with most of frun society you are just a BT forever.

ChossidMom

Thu, May 08 2008, 5:56 am

I hear you Mamacita and Mimivan.
I see people that seem to go a bit too far. I wish these (probably) bt's could spend some time around people like my husband's family who are so genuine and so normal (no hangups about religion). It's hard to convey what I mean. His father looked like he was straight from the shtetl. But he had such a normal outlook on everything and so do my husband and his siblings.

Newsie

Thu, May 08 2008, 6:06 am

But it's hard to define normal. My normal may be different from Yonason Rosenblum's, or chossidmom's, or mimivans... Granted most people will agree that burka rebbetzin was well beyond the pale of normalcy, but in other cases? One man's normal is another man's crazy

mimivan

Thu, May 08 2008, 6:39 am

Newsie wrote:

Yeah, there are some things that look crazy to others....like my 18 month old doesn't mind wearing a kippah already and I let him. There is nothing contrary to halacha about this (tzitzit are a diff story). I figure, if he likes it and he gets used to wearing it early why not (some people's minhag is dafka to wait till three but not ours) ?

A social worker gave me a look once at my son with the kippah. It fell off his head and he picked it up an put it on his own head while I seemed relatively blase about the whole thing. She then stopped staring and looked relieved. I mean was she expecting me to scream at him to wear his kippah...? I guess some crazy lady might.

I think when I do some things people think are "too much" it is important to show a relaxed attitude, that it is done b'simcha..

Atali

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:13 am

mimivan wrote:

Newsie wrote:

Mimivan, have people given you problems about the kippah? B"H no one has ever given me problems about it (except my BIL who was concerned about my children being teased for it, but it never happened), and by the way there are sources for tzistzis from earlier as well, my two year old DS wears tzistzis.

But this brings up a good point, different people are particularly makpid about different things, even beyond the requirements of halacha, and that is not necessarily a problem, but rather should be looked at in the context of the person's general behavior.

Is the person generally emotionally stable?
Are they keeping chumros out of genuine ahavas Hashem or fear that something will happen to them?

etc.

mamacita

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:31 am

I think there is normal crazy and crazy crazy. If that makes sense.

ChossidMom

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:32 am

I totally hear you Mamacita!

Carefulmom

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:34 am

I am a BT myself for many years (since I'm a kid in fact) Comments like Oh you don't look like one etc LOL

.....but B"H I'm very normal and it's true that if you are only "Frum" on the outside then something is missing, and this could C"V lead to.....

It's horrible when you read what people can do to children but is it in the name of "Frumkeit?"

Sometimes a BT who does not feel confident (is that the right word?) tries to overcome this by dressing "tsniyus" (Shall I say it 'weird dressing' when people would say "oh you can see she's a BT").

chaylizi

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:36 am

perfect sense

Imaonwheels

Thu, May 08 2008, 1:33 pm

LOL Our minhag is that the child's head be covered by no later than the bris and we keep a light hat on the babies.

Normal really is different. When my bil was becoming frum he kept saying he doesn't want to be extremist. So I asked him what his mother thought of not turning lights on on Shabbos, not driving with them to the reform temple and so on. Doesn't she think you are extremist.

Normal has to be belonging to a recognized community. Once a dayan from the Y-m BD spoke to us about babas, fakers, self proclaimed mekubalim. He gave to iron clad rules.
1. The real deal will accept a freely offered donation to tzedaka but does not charge for services.
2. He has smicha from a regular yeshiva and a known rav will vouch for him. If not -run away.

mimivan

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:19 pm

Imaonwheels wrote:

One rule of thumb I use to tell a a real one from someone who has lost their marbles if they will listen to someone else. Who is their rav? Do they listen to anyone? Do they go to other people's shiurim?

I know a couple of ladies in my community who have gone bonkers and are doing some things that are really crossing the givul...(in terms of inventing halachos and new "minhagim")
One of them does cite a rav, but grossly out of context...However, They brag about how they are "self-taught" and they don't need to go to other's shiurim etc...
That is a bright red flag in my book

chocolate moose

Fri, May 09 2008, 10:27 am

That's sad, mimivan.

mimivan

Sat, May 10 2008, 6:46 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

That's sad, mimivan.

sad but true...someone warned me about the "Yirushalmi complex" before I came here (people in Yirushalaim sometimes going way overboard)

well...I've seen it...

amother

Sun, May 11 2008, 8:39 pm

I get the feeling from most of the posts in this thread that all or most BTs feel lesser that a FFB. Why is that?
I was married to a man from a very choshuva family in a large town and he was close to his father and siblings and uncles... and so on. Most of his uncles and sibling/sibling-in-laws are very choshuv people in the community. They are friends and rub enbows with the big recignised rabbonim in town and they themselves are Rabbonim for variety of beis medresh, Rosh kollel and so on... If I tell you what my married name was lots of you readers would be shocked to hear what I'm about to say. The Rebbetzin would kiss me on the cheek every time I saw her and I could go on and on...
I know from first hand experience that it's (with all due respect) bs!!! My then husband was so abusive, in so many ways, he was verbally, emotionally and s@xually extreemly and brutally abusive. He never hit me and would pride himself for being such a fantastic husband cuz he "never raised his hands" at me. During the time I was married and part of his family I heard so many first hand things that made me loose respect for all the "higher" and "better" people in the community. I could write a book and have proof to it all that would put the entire community in chaos because nearly everyone in the community respects them to no end and it would be a huge shock to everyone if they learn that it's all bogus.
Anyways, enough going on about this, the point is that in way more cases the BT are better people than the FFB (and I'm a FFB and still saying it). It's not a rule but you should see what they would tell my kids to scare them from doing anything wrong. My kid would have nightmares just from the things they tell her to scare her. They made her feel like hashem was mean and punishes for breathing. I had to explain the to that hashem is loving and kind...
To all you BT, hold your chin up. You know that in hashems eyes you are far better than the people who do it all perfectly (out of habit) because that what they were trained to do from birth. You had to fight to get to were you are!

Crayon210

Sun, May 11 2008, 8:42 pm

I think your comments against FFBs as a whole are extremely rude and uncalled for. How do you know who Hashem loves more? Why does Hashem have to love someone more and someone less?

I'm sorry you had a negative experience with an FFB family. Not all FFBs are the way you describe.

Motek

Sun, May 11 2008, 8:43 pm

A sorry story but I don't think this is warranted:

amother wrote:

in way more cases the BT are better people than the FFB (

What is the point in saying who is better than who? Confused