Where are peoples Brains??

amother

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:48 am

My mother sat shiva for her mother awhile ago. A few weeks later, a woman my mother knew vaguely stopped her on the street and said "I heard your mother died. I am sorry I missed the shiva. IYH next time I will make it."
HELLO??? Where are the brains????
Twisted Evil

Rivky

Thu, May 08 2008, 11:52 am

omg!! the only thing I call think of is this women did not think what she was saying. It came automatically. (It's like when someone gets a divorce and you tell them mazal tov and u have to remember not to finish off w/ iy''h by you!!!)

Squash

Thu, May 08 2008, 12:58 pm

I would say she didn't realize what she was saying.

my husband once called a good friend who was sitting shiva overseas for his father (they were 17 yo). instead of saying "di zolst nisht vissen mer fin kein tzaar" (may you never know of anymore tzaar) or something like that that they usually say, he said "di zolst nisht vissen fin kein gressere tzaar" (may you never have any greater tzaar).

I don't know how well it comes across in translation, but it was definitely NOT an appropriate thing to say at a shiva call. he told me he felt horrible when he realized what he said, after he hung up.

justanothermother

Thu, May 08 2008, 1:37 pm

There is no way she meant to say that. I've said things like that once or twice before and I wonder if it is better to call the person to clarify and apologize or just hope it went by unnoticed.

chocolate moose

Thu, May 08 2008, 1:47 pm

She must have meant - next time you have an experience/event - she could not have meant for bad things to continue to happen.

yummydd

Thu, May 08 2008, 2:09 pm

you never know how bad this person must have felt afterwards! she may still be feeling guilty for her silly comment! we therefore have to be dan lekaf zechus her!

louche

Thu, May 08 2008, 2:12 pm

Yup. She's probably writhing in embarrassment over what she said. Hey, I'm writhing in embarrassment over what she said!

amother

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 6:55 pm

it doesn't sound good and it's insensitive, but if she said it sincerely, it could be that she really meant she was sorry she couldn't make it and the words just came out wrong. at times like this, it's difficult to know what to say when you know someone is grieving and you try so hard to say the right thing that you sometimes get yourself in a muddle. if she is an elderly woman it may be that she is also a bit confused and what she really meant to say (was thinking) was that she'll see you another time, please G-d at your next simcha and a happy occasion in happier circumstances

amother

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 9:36 pm

Laugh at their foibles and move on. People who say oopsie kinds of things like this aren't being intentionally offensive. They're just not composing their thoughts before speaking. A friend of mine was asked "so how do you like being a widow?" She said "if I'd known it would be so much fun, I'd have done it long ago!" Another friend was told at a simcha "your mother is looking down from heaven and rejoicing". Her admittedly elderly mother was still alive. She, too, chose to be amused rather than offended.

Hashemlovesme

Wed, Nov 14 2012, 2:00 am

justanothermother wrote:

There is no way she meant to say that. I've said things like that once or twice before and I wonder if it is better to call the person to clarify and apologize or just hope it went by unnoticed.

me to!

amother

Jade

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 2:30 pm

I met a friend I hadn't seen for years. She was walking two young girls so I asked if they were her daughters. Immediately afterwards I remembered that people were saying she had no children. She told me they were here sister's children, but I felt like two cents or maybe even one cent... This was weeks ago, and I still can't get it out of my mind.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Oct 05 2016, 2:54 pm

I'm bumping this with another story, even though it is an old thread.

My friends grandfather passed away, and a few days after she had a son and named him after the grandfather. At this briss, I thought, guess it was easy to work out the name. Then I said to myself "don't say that don't say that don't say that don't say that!". At the seudah, an important Rebetzzin came over to my friend and said exactly that, and my poor friend said, almost crying "oy I wish it had not been so easy". All I could think was Thank you Hashem that you gave me the thought before and not now.