Parental Support | Imamother

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

Parental Support

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How much support do you get from parents/grandparents?

27%

[ 19 ]

A $ gift for Birthday or Holiday

42%

[ 29 ]

Rent paid every month

[ 3 ]

$5,000 - 10,000 yr.

[ 2 ]

10,000 - 20,000

22%

[ 15 ]

Total Votes : 68

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 8:19 pm

I receive $0. Occasionally we receive a small gift of a toy for the kids worth no more than $10. I have a full tiime job and my husband is in between jobs. They never even hinted at helping us in any way.

Whereas my parents receive support from their parents in the amount of atleast $20,000 - 30,000 a year. my parents also make good living.

I'm just wondering where do they spend all that money?

Am I expecting too much to even think I should get something from my parents.

mummiedearest

Wed, May 14 2008, 8:25 pm

yes, you are expecting too much. you are not entitled to anything from your parents aside from love and emotional support. the fact that their parents give them does not mean they have to spend it on you. whatever you may think, they may need the money. if you feel you need some parental support, ask them for a loan. there is nothing wrong with that. expecting free money from them, imo, is immature and borders on chutzpa.

the fact that you place monetary value on the gifts they give you is rather sad. they don't need to splurge to show they love you.

flowerpower

Wed, May 14 2008, 8:37 pm

parents dont have to give anything. they have to give u what u need as long as u are living under their roof. my parents help out with other things besides money and thats a huge help. although they are far from rich they give thier kids whatever they can finacialy. my fil is generous and helps out with certain things

Last edited by flowerpower on Wed, May 14 2008, 10:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:06 pm

I think OP is trying to figure out why her parents aren't helping because they CAN afford to help.
I think parents should make an effort to show that they care. It is the Yiddishe way to be generous and helpful in whichever way one can, if they can.
However, if OP's parents are not that type, Hashem will help a different way.

mummiedearest

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:09 pm

I think op is assuming something she does not know. if her parents are getting 20-30k a year in parental support, I wouldn't assume they have extra funds. unless she has access to their financial records, I think it's safe to assume they do not feel secure supporting a young family all over again.

as I said, if you think you can, ask for a loan or some help. don't expect a free gift, especially if they don't know you need money. your parents are not mind readers, and I assume they don't have access to your financial records either.

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:32 pm

Op

I really dont expect anything from my parents. it just seems everyone I know gets some sort of $ support, even though they make a good living.

gryp

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:33 pm

I sometimes wonder if I'm from another planet.

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:35 pm

Quote:

I think OP is trying to figure out why her parents aren't helping because they CAN afford to help.

I know that they make a nice living, and with all the support they get, where could all the money go, that they cant give something for Pessach or any other holiday?

chocolate moose

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:37 pm

No, not a dime. And when we asked for $$$ for an apt downpayment, my parents didn't speak to me for a month. It's a real European mentality ....

But then again, I was taught that our money is for our kids and tzedekeh. So I don't know what to think...

I know for sure that I can't cover all my own expenses and support my kids too! I paid back loans that we had to take to support ourselves in the early years of our marriage.

mummiedearest

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:00 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

I think OP is trying to figure out why her parents aren't helping because they CAN afford to help.

I know that they make a nice living, and with all the support they get, where could all the money go, that they cant give something for Pessach or any other holiday?

I think my issue is that you call what they receive "support" but somehow assume they are capable of supporting themselves without it. if it is indeed support, you need to think about that. also, if they have a mortgage and/or other loans, credit card debt, tuition payments, medical bills, etc, you really don't know what they can or cannot afford.

also, "nice living" means different things depending on location and lifestyle.

that being said, it's their money. even if they can afford it, they don't have to give you large sums of cash on a regular basis, even if your friends' parents do.

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:17 pm

OP

Who said anything about large sums? $50 or something like that to acknowledge that there are alot of expenses at a time like a holiday.

flowerpower

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:21 pm

is there a way to hint it? if they have money it doesnt always mean they are generous. sometimes they need a nice reminder. are u nice to them? do u visit? if u have kids do they send cards, call their grandparents...?

Atali

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:28 pm

Mummiedearest,

To an extent I agree with you, but on the other hand I do think that if parents can help there children, particularly when they are young and just starting out, they should.

Or how about in a situation such as this one:

I have a wealthy relative with a great income, no mortgage, and considerable investments who has a daughter in her early 40's. The daughter is married and has two elementary school aged kids who both go to public school (they aren't frum). They bought a house that was slightly above their means back in the early 2000's (encouraged by the mortgage brokers, I assume). They both work and live relatively modestly. However, with the turn of the economy, their credit cards raised their interest payments to about 30% and gradually they stopped being able to pay some of the bills.

Her father called us up to talk, and in the same conversation that he spent bragging about his new 60 inch plasma TV, he mentioned that he was having difficulty contacting his daughter because her phone was disconnected for not being able to pay the bill.

So, of course I suggested that he help her, which he of course he refused on principle (he doesn't believe in supporting his kids).

Then a few months later, the daughter lost her job, then the father told me that his daughter missed some mortgage payments, the bank foreclosed on her house, and she then filed bankruptcy.

Of course, her father still didn't help. He told me that she would be okay since her brother (not her father, of course) was willing to be a guarantor on a rental property for her (since she now had terrible credit).

At the same time he bought a new living room set and took an expensive cruise vacation.

BTW the daughter's mother had passed away, and her in-laws do not have the means to help.

Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I just don't see how a parent can do this to his child. If I were her, I would have been devastated that he acted this way, and rightly so.

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:45 pm

I just want to say something to those of you that don't get from your parents but wish you did.

I do get from my parents B"H. If we didn't then we would lose our house.
My parents are b"h amazing in that respect but my self respect is down in the dumps.
I wish I didn't have to need their help, I so wish I didn't. Each time they give us I cringe to no end. My mother just said she is giving me $1000 and I should go make those podiatry appointments for my kids I've been pushing of and the speech therapy and stuff, that I haven't been doing because I didn't have the cash. That is on top of what my father has been helping us out with which is even way more. I felt like crying and didn't want the money, but my mother said I have to, she want's the kids needs being met.
I tell you it's the worst feeling to have to be dependent. I'm chalishing for the day we will be independant already and not have to rely on their help anymore.

Maya

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:49 pm

Amother, I agree with you. It was a very happy day for my husband and I when our in-laws stopped supporting us. The pressure and obligation was gone, and we were free to live our own lives.

mummiedearest

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:06 pm

Atali wrote:

atali, I agree that this man is wrong in his treatment of his children. BUT, as the op seems to be asking for an occasional $50, I doubt bankruptcy is immediate. in this case, I don't think she should expect anything from them. and I did say that if she seriously needs money, there is nothing wrong with asking.

Atali

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:08 pm

Okay, of course this situation is an extreme example. But where should one draw the line? When is it reasonable to ask for help.

chayitty

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:17 pm

I am extremly happy to be able to b"h support myself!...although they never supported as and dont plan to I do know that if chas v'shalom I would need money desprately my parents/in-laws would help out as much as they can.

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:22 pm

You should add in another poll for $20,000 - $40,000. There are many people who gets support from each side like $1500 to $2000 a month while the husband is learning. How else does a learning couple pay for their rent, health insurance, food and clothing?

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:29 pm

For us it's just the opposite. My husband and I both have good paying jobs bh and we don't have kids yet. My parents are strugling financially and have several kids at home. So every once in a while my husband and I would give them $1000. Before a yom tov or family simcha. My parents really appreciate it.

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