Parental Support | Imamother

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Parental Support

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How much support do you get from parents/grandparents?

27%

[ 19 ]

A $ gift for Birthday or Holiday

42%

[ 29 ]

Rent paid every month

[ 3 ]

$5,000 - 10,000 yr.

[ 2 ]

10,000 - 20,000

22%

[ 15 ]

Total Votes : 68

Mrs. XYZ

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:32 pm

GR wrote:

I sometimes wonder if I'm from another planet.

yeah.

I get a lot of .....emotional support! A listening and understanding ear is worth more than any amount of money.

louche

Wed, May 14 2008, 11:55 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

I think OP is trying to figure out why her parents aren't helping because they CAN afford to help.

I know that they make a nice living, and with all the support they get, where could all the money go, that they cant give something for Pessach or any other holiday?

maybe they're buying good insurance for nursing home care or in-home care when they get old so you won't have the burden of caring for them or paying for someone else to do so. (This kind of insurance is very, very expensive.) Maybe they're setting up a fund for your kids' education. Maybe they're buying a house in florida to retire and plan to give you the house they live in now.

Maybe they have major medical expenses they're not telling you about. maybe they made some really bad investments that wiped out their life savings. maybe they're being blackmailed. maybe they're being extorted by the Mafia. maybe your father has another wife and kids in Barbados that you don't know about. maybe they have a gambling habit or a drug habit you don;t know about.maybe they're paying off loans they took out years ago. maybe they had to bail your uncle out of jail. maybe they've been lying all along about how much they make and they really don't make as much as you think. maybe they worked hard all their lives and are now spending money on themselves just for the fun of it.

whatever. it's none of your beeswax. Your parents are obligated to support you till you reach your majority or till you voluntarily leave home, whichever comes first. after that, they don't have to give you a penny. sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's a fact of life. They don't owe you a cent and they don't have to give you an accounting of where their money is going.

louche

Thu, May 15 2008, 12:00 am

I love, love, love the bumper sticker that says "we're spending our children's inheritance."

TzenaRena

Thu, May 15 2008, 12:06 am

Quote:

atali, I agree that this man is wrong in his treatment of his children. BUT, as the op seems to be asking for an occasional $50, I doubt bankruptcy is immediate. in this case, I don't think she should expect anything from them. and I did say that if she seriously needs money, there is nothing wrong with asking.

She mentioned that her husband is "between jobs" as in unemployed.

Tamiri

Thu, May 15 2008, 12:41 am

Atali wrote:

I have a wealthy relative with a great income, no mortgage, and considerable investments who has a daughter in her early 40's. The daughter is married and has two elementary school aged kids who both go to public school (they aren't frum). They bought a house that was slightly above their means back in the early 2000's (encouraged by the mortgage brokers, I assume). They both work and live relatively modestly. However, with the turn of the economy, their credit cards raised their interest payments to about 30% and gradually they stopped being able to pay some of the bills.
Her father called us up to talk, and in the same conversation that he spent bragging about his new 60 inch plasma TV,
BTW the daughter's mother had passed away, and her in-laws do not have the means to help.

Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I just don't see how a parent can do this to his child. If I were her, I would have been devastated that he acted this way, and rightly so.

From everything you wrote, the daughter was irresponsible. There is no call to buy a house above your means, and if you can't afford something NOW, don't buy it = using credit card irresponsibly. While the father seems a bit of a ****, the daughter would not merit much help from me either. The rich father didn't get that way by living above his means, I would assume. And if he did - he was lucky.
Parents, while it's very nice if/when they choose to help, are NOT obligated in any way, shape or form to support thier married children. I am surprised at the OT's situation and I would, if I had to, speak with my parents regarding my NEEDS and my ability to repay a loan at a later date. We don't know anything of what is going on in the OP's household: perhaps they too lived above their means and the parents won't bail them out of that (it's called teaching them a lesson). Perhaps the parents still are paying off Yeshiva tuitions for their own children? Maybe they had to take out loans to do that and the grandparents are helping with that?
Perhaps we are seeing a beginning of the phenomenum where the middle generation is eating up the first generation, leaving nothing for the third (OP's) generation?
Who knows. But again - I would suggest OP speak with her parents and get the resentment over with - once and for all.

Marion

Thu, May 15 2008, 1:23 am

Alittle bit of everything. My parents send birthday/yom tov money. (Well, they deposit it in my bank account, I use it to pay off the expenses which I put on the credit card for those occasions.) Occasionally they will deposit some money for a specific expense (like I needed a rental car for an extended period of time at one point, so they deposited some money to help with the gas).

DH's grandparents give us money; don't know how much annually but it's earmarked for household help, so it's whatever that help costs weekly. And my inlaws, like my parents, give what they can, when they can. It tends to be the larger-ticket items that I would never buy for the kids, but which gives them great pleasure in providing for birthdays, etc.

I'm sure it adds up to between $5,000 and $10,000, but that also depends on the exchange rate.

Edited to add:
The support is not EXPECTED, but we are grateful for it nonetheless. If something happened, G-d forbid, that meant the support had to stop, so be it. I can live with less household help, and I can live without the oversized toys that take up my whole living room, and I can budget for yom tov too, B"H.

amother

Thu, May 15 2008, 4:00 am

We don't get any support, but my parents paid for the bris/kiddush/pidyon haben of my children.
My parents and inlaws also end up buying a lot of the kids clothes. And if I ask them to pick something up for us, they usually will tell us not to pay them back, unless it's a significant expense.
I was pleasantly surprised at whatver they pay for. I didn't expect it.

Teacup9

Thu, May 15 2008, 5:44 am

We get nice birthday gifts from my family and some gelt to spend on the baby.

Sometimes I wonder how young married couples are expected to live on their own. My parents have done well for themselves, but they are retired and balk at the houses they see young couples buying here plus the Pesach in Florida, winter trips, new baby presents, sheitals, and even the cost of a new outfit. In certain circles it is pretty standard for one's parents to continue support.

I am very happy and BH have a cute apartment, but I honestly don't know how I'd manage with more children here or how we could afford a bigger place. I am sure there are tons of people out there like us, but I only have one friend who rents. So I can see why the OP feels it is normal for parents to help out, because it IS very normal.

Also if the OP's parents were always getting support from her grandparents then suffice to say it is pretty logical for her to think she'd receive something too. It isn't "expecting" financial help in a disrespectful sense. It is just an expectation based on how her household was run. When my grandparents retired they moved to be closer to my parents. I'm shocked mine have yet to do the same shock

Also both my siblings were given cars and though I would never ask I can't help but wonder why I wasn't given a car... This doesn't mean I am ungrateful or not very appreciative of anything they choose to give us.

miriamnechama

Thu, May 15 2008, 5:45 am

we did whe4n we were first married.. but now it's down to maybe a birthday gift.

at one point we had our tickets paid for to come into london.. thatalso stopped so if in teh next 2 months I don't see any cheap tickets I just won't go in for my niece's wedding....

shalhevet

Thu, May 15 2008, 5:58 am

amother wrote:

You should add in another poll for $20,000 - $40,000. There are many people who gets support from each side like $1500 to $2000 a month while the husband is learning. How else does a learning couple pay for their rent, health insurance, food and clothing?

The wife works and they live modestly.

Raisin

Thu, May 15 2008, 6:30 am

My parents don't give us money at all. I think when I was newlywed they paid for us to fly home once, and that was it. They have a lot of children kah, and can't afford to give us money for no reason. However, they will help out their kids if they are in trouble, (even though they can't afford to).

I don't think it is doing a favour to your children to give them money for luxories, and not keep anything for your retirement.

I don't think parents owe anything to their kids. But if they start giving one child money and expensive gifts, and not the others, it makes sense that the other siblings will resent that. And if you had good parents who educated you properly and enabled you to stand on your own two feet finacially that is worth more than new cars and down payments.

creativemommyto3

Thu, May 15 2008, 7:12 am

shalhevet wrote:

amother wrote:

The wife works and they live modestly.

That could mean something different for different ppl. Not many jobs for women cover all of the expenses. Many times in America the rent itself is over 1000 dollars. Most frum women don't make much more than that.

My husband's aunt works so she can help her kollel children. She felt it was unfair to bring them up to be in kollel and then not help them with it. She doesn't fully support them but she gives them a few hundred dollars a month. Her daughters and daughter in laws all work but life in America is very expensive so she wants to help out. Her sons and son in laws who are in kollel use their bein hazmanim to work and help their wives. It all depends on the chinuch..

Tamiri

Thu, May 15 2008, 7:22 am

Right about now I am looking for a set of parents to spoil me so I can buy a house. Any takers? Very Happy

creativemommyto3

Thu, May 15 2008, 7:28 am

Tamiri wrote:

Right about now I am looking for a set of parents to spoil me so I can buy a house. Any takers? Very Happy

gee , I want those too. I am paying through the nose to gemachim for my down payment and working my tail off for it.

what's worse is that one of my parents and my inlaws give us speeched on how we shouldn't do what we can't afford but they themselves got help from their parents to buy a house!!!!!!
to me I find that hypocritical. They wouldn't even loan us the money!

We do get some help for YT and birthday money. When my mother comes she brings clothes etc.

ora_43

Thu, May 15 2008, 8:08 am

In defense of OP's parents, my mom gives me money and I would feel very uncomfortable giving it to someone else, even a family member. If it was my own money, the first thing I would want to do is to help family! But the thing is, my mom isn't giving to me because she wants to give tzedaka. She already gives tzedaka, and she knows that BH we don't need her money for the basics (food, rent), it just makes our lives easier.

In another couple of years I want her to know that her money made it easier for my husband to finish school without having to take out loans, that we were able to save the money she sent towards a down payment on an apartment/house, that her grandkids have nice clothes thanks to her, things like that. I think she'd be upset, and IMO rightfully so, if we gave large amounts of her money away to someone else. Not because she doesn't want them to have money but bc she is capable of deciding who she wants to give to.

In OPs case, it could be that her parents are unable to help her with their own money for whatever reason, and they might feel uncomfortable helping with the grandparents' money, b/c if the grandparents wanted to help OP they could help OP on their own. They might feel obligated to use whatever money they get from the grandparents for their own needs, even if they would rather help OP.

amother

Thu, May 15 2008, 9:12 am

creativemommyto3, can you please post some info about these gemachim? are they only available in israel, or can I fidd a gemach in the states? we are trying to put together a down payment and I never thought of a gemach- we can pay it back in a few months, iy"H, and I'd really love to hear more about this option!!

Teacup9

Thu, May 15 2008, 9:54 am

amother. You can just ask around about the gemachs. Sometimes certain small, growing communities set them up to entice newcomers. Our shul has a gemach, but its only to borrow $1000 or so for emergency money. I would go to your rabbi, your rav, or one in the neighborhood you are looking to buy.

Seraph

Thu, May 15 2008, 10:08 am

When I was out of a job because of pregnancy and my husband hadnt yet found a job and we were in trouble financially, my parents helped by giving us a baby monetary gift a few months early. But it came with a huge lecture on being fiscally responsible and about budgeting, even though we do do all those stuff. Same when my husband ended one job and couldnt get a new one because of stupid government stupidity. (Yes, I know redundancy, but thats how stupid it was.)
Basically, when we get in trouble, my parents help but with lectures.
They will help for pesach expenses by going shopping with me. When my refrigerator broke, they gave money to fix it.
They get us birthday gifts, but not expensive ones- like my mother will treat me to a shopping spree at the local gemach.
And my mother wanted me to get my drivers liscense so she gave me money for that.
And if I want to buy stuff from america, they'll put it on their credit card.
And when my fathers in from america, he'll stock my freezer, as he does with my sister's.
And my mother paid for my second hand stroller.

Its not all fair though, because my in laws dont spend a cent on us when they've given thousands and thousands to my other siblings in law. Our wedding was a cheapo cheapo one because they gave no money to it. And our sons bris was cheapo cheapo because the only baby gift we got from my in laws was a baby outfit.
And because my parents pay for my siblings (including the married ones) to fly to america every summer but not for me.

But I guess I'll be thankful for what I have. If I ever get into trouble, I know I'll have someone to turn to- just with a million and five lectures.
Why is life so expensive?

creativemommyto3

Thu, May 15 2008, 10:25 am

amother wrote:

They are in israel.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 15 2008, 10:32 am

TzenaRena wrote:

Quote:

She mentioned that her husband is "between jobs" as in unemployed.

she also mentioned that she works. and based on the fact that her husband has had a job in the past, she may have been able to save. we don't know how long her husband has been unemployed, how much money she makes, whether or not they have savings, etc. but when she says $50 for yom tov, I tend to doubt they have a serious case of lack of money, because it takes way more than $50 to make yom tov. (I'm basing this on pesach, as that was the most recent.) it sounds like she just wants her parents to give her money as a parently gesture. which should not be expected. again, if she needs even as little as $50, there is nothing wrong with saying "ma, can I borrow $50?" and if her parents say "sure, but don't pay it back," good for her!

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