"Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle"

catonmylap

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 3:30 am

What is the proper context for using the phrase "Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle"? Or is it always an appropriate statement?

Sometimes it comes off like, wow, that's inspiring...have emunah. And other times it seems (to me) like a misplaced sentence by a "religious fanatic" (this is not meant to be insulting; I'm trying to explain it as I see it to make some sense out of it).

Going through IF-this phrase makes sense a lot of the time, and is encouraging. Hashem is giving me this nisayon because He knows I can handle it.

Having multiples-again this makes sense when you are trying hard to have kids...and get more bracha than you bargained for...

Having more children then you can handle because you think birth control is assur- doesn't work for me. I think you made a choice to take a difficult road. I don't think Hashem says "she can't handle more kids, so I won't send anymore"

Staying married to a husband who is addicted to drugs- doesn't work for me...

I think everyone who went through the holocaust got way more then they could handle, no?

People who lose immediate family in a pigua get more then they can handle, no?

Any time you have a difficult situation and cope with it (don't go crazy or commit suicide), you got what you could handle?

mimivan

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 4:10 am

I dont' think we can look into other's lives and decide these things...what people can handle what they cannot. Only Hashem knows.

The example you gave about the woman who is married to a drug addict. Sometimes the nisayon is not that we should passively bear it. Maybe sometimes the test is how to deal with it effectively, say no or get out of a situation.

There is a story that the Baal Shem Tov went over to someone's house and ate all of his food. His follower asked him how he could have done such a thing to a poor man. The Baal Shem Tov, who had ruach ha kodesh (so not recommending the same behavior to anyone!) Said this man just endured and endured and Hashem wanted him to ask for something instead of just putting up with things. That's why he had to empty the man's cupboards so he could begin to ask Hashem for the parnassa he deserved instead of putting up with his lot.

Unlike the Baal Shem Tov, none of us (except for a huge tzaddik with ruach ha kodesh and Hashem himself( can look into another's life and say it is too much for him...

With my own life, there have been/are things I feel I cannot bear. Often Hashem stretches us to our very limits...we don't ask for this kind of "workout" but looking back, I can see why many things happened, at least in retrospect

(and every time I give birth I mamash have a feeling like I can't go on and am not going to make it. And that is when the most dilation occurs..!)

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 4:28 am

I look at it as a Divine kick in the pants.

Why is it we're (general, not specific) more inclined to say "Why me, Hashem?!?" when things are tough than say "Thank You, Hashem" when things are good.

I see it as a reminder that I need to remember the good as well as the bad come from Hashem and I may not see the immediate reasons as to why things go the way they do. And that I need to thank Him on a regular basis.

I had just this past week... we had to cancel our trip to the US and a few people (including my mother) told me "It's for the best". Did it make me feel any less disappointed? No, not really. But it gave us the chance to find a new place to live so I'm taking this as a sign that good things are on their way.

mandksima

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 4:43 am

Understanding and internalizing this phrase has given me the koach to get through certain traumatic situations in my life, that's for sure. I think it IS a difficult idea to transmit to someone else who's just not coping. Trauma and stress can either make you stronger or destroy you. B"H, it strengthened me and our marriage. It could have easily destroyed me and my marriage if I let it. I don't know how people can cope through certain ordeals without the belief in Hashem and this phrase.

The optimism in that phrase helps you realize who's in control and that there is a bigger picture that we cannot possibly grasp. It may not really make people feel better when they're going through an impossible time though unless they're receptive to that message.

The holocaust is such an extreme example and it is a valid reason for people just going off the derech as it is a trauma beyond anything we know. One would need a very strong belief system before going through it and even then, there's no guarantee that one could emerge unscathed emotionally. Even some tzaddikim couldn't deal and were totally lost afterwards. I think we can understand that that generation needed the death and destruction as part of a tikkun we can't really understand of course but we know that Hashem did it for a reason. I don't think this phrase really applies here either.

For a spouse or child or whomever close to you to die C"VS, is life altering and some get through it stronger than before and others are totally lost. I think the POTENTIAL to handle the crisis is always there but people choose not to reach it or just think they can't do it and give up before they get there.

I agree with the OP that if you decide to put yourself through something that you don't have to, then this phrase my not be applicable - maybe Hashem just wants you to use BC, divorce, or get out of an abusive relationship, etc. That's where a good rav comes into the picture as we cannot always decide for ourselves what our limit of suffering and effort should be.

ChossidMom

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 6:19 am

happyone wrote:

I hate this statement!! It's good for people to internalize this statement "for themselves", but NEVER tell this to anyone going through a hard time.

May we never have to prove just how much we can handle...

Somehow, I look around and see many people who have not handle their nisayon and wonder what is considered 'more than you can handle'.

I agree with happyone. I'll go as far as to say it's a chutzpah to look at someone else's hardship and say it.

About ourselves - we can be SURE that we can and will handle whatever Hashem decides is best for us. Period. But I don't buy that cliche that Hashem only gives us what we can handle. He gives what He decides is best for us even if it's things that seem awful.Whatever He does is "letova". I've seen it over and over and over in my life.

morkush

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 6:23 am

I struggled with IF. No, it wasn't for years and years, but it was definately enough. 3 miscarriages in 2 years and I thought I couldn't go on.
I always really believed that "Hashem only gives you what you can handle". Sincerely. But I was never really tested.
Looking back, I now know why I thought that phrase made so much sense. People dealing with tragedies or hardship of any type always seem so strong and so connected to Hashem. They rarely show us, the outsiders, their lack of strength. They really look like they can handle it.
And then Hashem tested me. And I cried and ranted to DH- "why? Why can't I deal with it? Shouldn't I have the strength to pick up my head and smile? I am supposed to be able to deal with this.". And I cried to Hashem, "it's not fair. I can't go on. I cannot handle this. I can't go on".
But if you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I was admirable, at the very least. That it didn't get me down, that I could always pick up my head and smile. And looking back, I agree with them. I did pass the test. But going through it I did not feel like I was coping.

Now, B"H, having passed this nisayon, I know that Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle, but as I was going through it, I don't know if I would have agreed wholeheartedly.

supermama2

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 7:11 am

I know of the following true and recent story: A mother with 4 small children wanted to continue having children as " Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle". ( despite her severe varicose veins which caused extreme pain during pegnancy) Then one day the Rebbetzin tells this mother...( surprised that she ISN"T using birth control).."you should talk with a Rabbi about birth control".. the mother says "I don't want birth control..are you telling me that I should talk with a Rabbi wether or not I want a break from having more children by using birth control!" The Rebbetzin says "yes!" Hmm.how do I make this story shorter! Basically, the Rabbi paskens that she can use birth control for 6-9 months to get a breather. Angrily.. the mother complies due to the confirmation of her husband that this is a good thing to do. During this time..the mother arranges to have her varicose dealt with medically and after a month of fuming about the situation, she realizes that it is for the best that she takes a break. This mother was of a strong mind that all that comes our way is from Hashem and for our very best...this taking birth control was earth shattering for her. Her Rabbi explained that women's cycles aren't like they used to be.. women used to go 2 years between a birth and another conception. SO all worked out for the mother. She's anxiously awaiting a minor surgery for her varicose and even more anxious for another pregnancy but realizes that this short break is necessary.

Motek

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 8:17 am

ChossidMom wrote:

About ourselves - we can be SURE that we can and will handle whatever Hashem decides is best for us. Period. But I don't buy that cliche that Hashem only gives us what we can handle. He gives what He decides is best for us even if it's things that seem awful.Whatever He does is "letova". I've seen it over and over and over in my life.

I don't understand what you're saying, how you're differentiating between ourselves and what you call a cliche. And what are you calling a cliche?

The Gemara says, "lefum gamla shichna" - according to the camel, is the load.

NotInNJMommy

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 8:26 am

Sometimes He gives us the strength by giving us opportunities to say "No more right now!" (helping, errands, championing community philanthropy, another chasuna (for those who live in town with lots of simchas) etc.)

I think that's part of the equation. We aren't supposed to be martyrs; in many situations we must just be strong about saying "no, I just can't do that" for example. Gevurah is an important trait too!

ChossidMom

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 9:38 am

Motek wrote:

ChossidMom wrote:

a. The concept of "lefum gamla shichna" exists. How it's interpreted - is for those who interpret Gemara. Have you studied this particular Gemara and read all the commentaries and seen how each one interprets it and to whom it's applied? If so, please enlighten us.

b. We have no right to look at other people and say of them or to them "Hashem only gives you what you can handle." That's preachy and obnoxious in my opinion.

c. If you want to apply it to yourself that's fine, in my opinion. A great idea, as a matter of fact (imo).

d. Change the word "cliche" to "motto". I was translating from the Hebrew word "sisma".

Motek

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 1:14 pm

ChossidMom wrote:

How it's interpreted - is for those who interpret Gemara. Have you studied this particular Gemara and read all the commentaries and seen how each one interprets it and to whom it's applied? If so, please enlighten us.

Sounds like you're saying that nobody should be posting on this topic until they study the statement in Chazal.

Quote:

b. We have no right to look at other people and say of them or to them "Hashem only gives you what you can handle." That's preachy and obnoxious in my opinion.

Yet others would be greatly comforted by it. It's yet another example of how what works for one, doesn't work for another and it explains why people are sometimes afraid to open their mouths to offer chizuk. You never know whether what you meant as encouraging will be received as obnoxious or not Sad

Quote:

d. Change the word "cliche" to "motto". I was translating from the Hebrew word "sisma".

I thought sisma is slogan, but anyway ...

ChossidMom

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 1:25 pm

Motek wrote:

ChossidMom wrote:

Sounds like you're saying that nobody should be posting on this topic until they study the statement in Chazal.

Quote:

b. We have no right to look at other people and say of them or to them "Hashem only gives you what you can handle." That's preachy and obnoxious in my opinion.

Quote:

d. Change the word "cliche" to "motto". I was translating from the Hebrew word "sisma".

I thought sisma is slogan, but anyway ...

Anybody and Everybody may post on this topic. But when someone starts to quote Gemaras and sources it's a good idea to really understand the source and be able to explain it. I, personally, do not qualify as an expert in learning Gemara and do not go into lomdus issues, like some women on this site like to do. I am also not inclined to bother Mr. Chossidmom to pull out a gemara and learn it with me. It just seems to me that when quoting a gemara it's not enough to pull 10 words out of the book and paste them on imamother. Just maybe it's doing the concept an injustice.
Just my opinion, of course.

Motek

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 3:58 pm

ChossidMom wrote:

Anybody and Everybody may post on this topic. But when someone starts to quote Gemaras and sources it's a good idea to really understand the source and be able to explain it. I, personally, do not qualify as an expert in learning Gemara and do not go into lomdus issues, like some women on this site like to do. I am also not inclined to bother Mr. Chossidmom to pull out a gemara and learn it with me. It just seems to me that when quoting a gemara it's not enough to pull 10 words out of the book and paste them on Imamother. Just maybe it's doing the concept an injustice.
Just my opinion, of course.

What is the point in Anybody and Everybody expressing their feelings about a topic on Jewish hashkafa? Is that not doing the concept an injustice?

I'm just wondering why you question the usefulness in actually quoting a Torah source rather than questioning the usefulness of the entire discussion.

cookielady

Sun, Jul 06 2008, 3:59 pm

This was something I used to say to ppl at different times. Then once when going thru something very difficult, dh said this to me and I said "No I feel like a big liar, cause there is no way I can handle this!" well BH in the end it was something we could handle, not easily but we did. I believe its true, but you have to know or have an idea if this is something that a person will benefit from being told at the given moment.

Now what I really hate is when someone says "You must be so special to be going thru something like this" or even better, and yes someone did say this to me "You really should look at your actions and figure out what you did wrong to bring this on yourself" Fortunatly I dont remember who said that to me, so I dont have to hunt them down and.......