6-year old joke re-circulated.

roza

Thu, Dec 01 2005, 7:58 pm

...start from the top and read down!

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2005

RE: x-mas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company x-mas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A x-mas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry x-mas to you and your Family.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with x-mas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no x-mas tree or x-mas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet Pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets Gays are allowed to sit with each other Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2005

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian p****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The b**** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

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Motek

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 10:43 am

and another version, dedicated to JRK and Chani:

Please find attached herewith, one (1) Seasonal Greeting relating to, and conveying thereby, a celebration of the Winter Solstice holiday, the agreement and all provisions hereof incorporating for the sole and exclusive benefit of the parties hereto, and in the case of the recipient of aforementioned Seasonal Greeting, a request, as soon as practicable following the Effective Date, and from time to time as appropriate during the term of this Holiday Season, to use all reasonable efforts to ensure the successful attainment of a Happy Holiday Season.

The deliverer of the Seasons Greeting attached herewith (hereinafter referred to as the Wisher) also wishes you a personally fulfilling recognition of the ensuing calendar year, effective midnight GMT on 1st January 2000, for a period of not less than 12 months, with respect to which such applicable Holiday Wishes and Seasonal Greetings shall be effective. This Greeting constitutes the entire agreement between parties and supersedes all prior understandings and agreements of similar or contrary intent concerning the Holiday Season, and shall not be modified or altered except by written instrument duly executed by the parties. Neither party may assign this Agreement (either voluntarily or by operation of law) without the prior written consent of the other party to a subsidiary or affiliate without taking reasonable steps to transfer these Seasonal Greetings Wishes to said affiliate in an expeditious manner.

By accepting this Greeting, you, the receiver (hereinafter referred to as the Wishee), accept and agree to abide by these terms: This greeting is freely transferable to other Wishees provided that no alteration is made to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the Wisher to implement part performance regarding any of the aforementioned wishes, and it is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wisher. The Seasons Greeting is licensed to be used only in connection with the traditional Winter Holiday Season and celebrations appurtenant thereto and is non-transferable to other seasonal holidays, including (but not limited to) April Fool's Day, Halloween, or the Fourth of July. All Return Greetings become the sole property of the Wisher unless otherwise agreed to in writing. Failure to comply strictly with these instructions will void this Greeting in its entirety.

IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THIS AGREEMENT, DO NOT USE THIS SEASONS GREETING. USING ANY PART OF THE SEASONS GREETING INDICATES THAT YOU ACCEPT THESE TERMS. You may terminate this agreement at any time by destroying the Seasons Greeting and documentation included therewith together with all copies and merged portions in any form. It will also terminate immediately if you fail to comply with any term or condition of this Greetings Agreement. Upon such termination you agree to destroy the Seasons Greeting and documentation, together with all copies and merged portions in any form, as well as any spirit of Holiday Cheer as may have implicitly or explicitly accompanied this Greeting.

You also agree that you will not export or re-export the Seasons Greeting or accompanying Wishes of Good Tidings (or any copies thereof) or any products utilizing said Seasons Greeting or such documentation in violation of any applicable laws or regulations of the United States or the country in which you obtained them. In particular, this Seasons Greeting is classified under United States export regulations as a "munition" and may not be exported to any country or territory known to engage in terrorist activities, including but not limited to Iran, Libya, and North Korea.

The Wishee further agrees to indemnify, defend and hold Wisher harmless from any and all losses, damages, costs or expenses (including, but without limitation, attorney's fees and costs of litigation) which arise from or relate to any claim brought by Wishee or any associate thereof or by third party based on Wishee's celebratory, seasonal, or enjoyment activities with respect to the aforementioned Winter Solstice Greeting.

Use, reproduction or disclosure of this Seasons Greeting is subject to restrictions set forth in subparagraph (a) through (d) of the Commercial Seasons Greeting Code - Restricted Rights clause at 48 C.F.R. 52.227-19 and the limitations set forth in the corresponding Santa clause of the standard commercial agreement for the Solstice Greetings and the Uniform x-mas Code (UCC).

This wish is warranted to be free from defects in material and workmanship and to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of not less than one (1) year from the date of delivery, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. This warranty does not extend to red or green colored fonts, blinking HTML tags, and other accessories that may have been included with this Seasons Greeting. This warranty also does not cover damage caused by improper installation, operation or care (including, but not limited to abuse, misuse, failure to provide reasonable and necessary maintenance, or any alterations to this Seasons Greeting), labor charges for dismantling or reinstalling a repaired or replaced Seasons Greeting, or replacement of batteries.

Wisher's exclusive obligation (and Wishee's only remedy) shall be at sole discretion of the Wisher to replace or repair or refund the holiday spirit (or a proportionate part thereof) of any defective Greeting, or parts thereof, which are returned shipping prepaid to Wisher, under warranty subject to prior authorization from Wisher. The foregoing shall be enforceable to the maximum extent permitted by applicable law. Some states do not allow the exclusion or limitation of consequential, incidental or special damages, so the above limitation or exclusion may not apply to you. This limited warranty gives you specific legal rights, and you may also have other rights which vary from state to state.

Neither the Seasons Greeting conveyed herein nor any element thereof, including without limitation, x-mas wishes, good cheer, New Years Greetings, or other material, may be copied, repurposed, uploaded, posted, transmitted, or redistributed, except that the Wishee may download one (1) copy of such material to your individual computer for your personal, non-commercial use only (which also excludes any use by governmental, educational, charitable, or other institutional use that is not strictly a personal use to you), and one (1) backup copy in the event that the Good Cheer provided herewith is lost or destroyed due to circumstances beyond the Wishee's control, such as Hardware Failure or Acts of God, provided that all copyright and other proprietary notices appearing on such materials must be preserved without alteration or modification.

This Seasons Greeting is provided "as is". Neither the aforementioned Wisher, his co-workers, his associates and/or co-Wishers (if any) make any other claims or warranties concerning this Seasons Greeting, including, but not limited to, any implied warranties of fitness, merchantability, enjoyability or suitability for any particular purpose, and are not responsible for any happiness, Seasonal Merriment, enjoyment, enlightenment, or absence thereof occurring out of or in connection with the use of this Seasons Greeting. In no event shall the Wisher be liable for any personal injury or seasonal fiduciary gains or losses, or any general, special, incidental, or consequential losses arising out of the use or inability to use this Seasons Greeting, including but not limited to any success in having a Merry x-mas and/or Happy New Year, or any success or absence thereof in getting this Seasons Greeting to interoperate with any other Seasons Greeting, even if any representative of Wisher or his suppliers has been advised of the possibility of such damages. This disclaimer of liability for damages will not be affected by any failure of the sole and exclusive remedies hereunder. Wisher also does not warrant that this Seasons Greeting or any Good Will derived therefrom will operate or perform in a manner that is uninterrupted or error-free, or that the Seasonal Holiday enjoyment so obtained will be maintained free of viruses, hangovers, alcohol-induced stupor, or other harmful effects of excessive celebration. Wisher makes no warranties that this Seasons Greeting is current, up-to-date, or accurate.

In the event any provision of this Greetings Agreement is found to be invalid, illegal, unenforceable, meaningless, or irrelevant, or to consist predominantly or entirely of mindless gibberish, the validity, legality, enforceability, meaningfulness, relevance, and gibberish-free nature of any of the remaining provisions shall not in any way be affected or impaired and a valid, legal, enforceable, meaningful, relevant, intelligent, and gibberish-free provision of similar intent and holiday impact shall be substituted therefor.

IN WITNESS THEREOF, the parties hereto have caused this Greeting to be executed by their duly authorized representatives as of the latest signing date in this agreement.

_________________

_________________, Witness