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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
How much notice do you give someone that you're about to visit them?
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| 5 minutes before you come |
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1% |
[ 1 ] |
| 10 minutes before you come |
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5% |
[ 3 ] |
| 15 minutes before you come |
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5% |
[ 3 ] |
| 1/2 hour or more before you come |
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86% |
[ 46 ] |
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| Total Votes : 53 |
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Mrs. XYZ
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 Tue, Aug 05 2008, 11:40 am
| Quote: | | DH and I were having an argument about it, he complained that the house should be ALWAYS spic and span no matter what |
My husband is just the opposite. He can't stand when I get all nervous and start rushing to clean up when someone is supposed to come. He always tells me to leave things, and that theres nothing wrong if people see that the house is not always spic and span. Of course the guest shouldn't trip over toys in the doorway...but I shouldn't go crazy. I tell him when he'll be a woman, he'll understand! 
Cute incident I had: My husbands friend knocked on the door unnanouced. The living room was flying and my husband just took him through and went into the seforim room. In the meantime I quickly straightened up the room. On his way out, the guy says in a sorry voice, "Ohh, now it doesn't look like kids live here!"
In any case, I dont think its nice at all to make in-laws wait outside. By making them wait, they obviously knew that your house was messy and is not always spic and span. Or were you just trying to teach them a lesson?
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yersp
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 11:40 am
delete
Last edited by yersp on Thu, Jan 22 2009, 1:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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cassandra
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 12:10 pm
| cookielady wrote: |
(though a few ppl will come and say "I know its dinner time now, so thats why I stopped by now, Im hungry" I dont always appreciate that, but I do invite them in to eat.) |
I'd be tempted to do that too if I was in your neighborhood based on your avatar alone.
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Imawoman
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 12:10 pm
What I really don't like is when my ILs knock on the door without letting us know that they are planning on coming by. One time DH and I were at the door, ready to go out to visit friends when they showed up. I hadn't been outside all day and I had to stay indoors  .
I think that at least a warning call is appropriate. That way we can say if it's a good time or not. I'm worried that once I have my baby, my ILs will be coming over more often - and without calling. I want them to be able to see their grandchild...but at convenient times for both of us.
As for friends...I'd wish that they would stop by! Sometimes I feel like I communicate more with people online and by phone than in person.
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greenfire
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 12:15 pm
I probably need a month or two or even three ... but I do have a sign up that says "love me, love my mess" so it excuses everything ...
cookie'la now I know to simply say "I'm hungry" when I surprise you ... 
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ChavieK
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 12:32 pm
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Just last night we were out & ds & dil called from our house & asked where we were. They will just come by with no notice. If I am on the way out I tell them, but I want it to be always be their "home". Dh & I never just drop by because they are newlymarried,(I expect same from her parents) but once baby is born it'll be diff. We have & try to have a relationship where it wouldn't matter if her home is spotless, mine isn't. I still have little ones & the accompaning mess. But I can tell you that even if it was a bad time , which op original post said nothing about that as reason, & the house was a mess, I would be quite insulted to be told to stand outside. How about saying "please excuse the mess, we just finished eating, & are getting the kids to bed. Just please say a qick goodnight to them" Do you visit your inlaws?
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spinkles
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 12:37 pm
| Quote: | | I wouldnt feel bad if people saw the diry dishes in the sink, he would! It did bother him that we had to host them outside than inside and yes he has told me that it should be visitor ready at all times. He understands if there are some things out because it was supper time but the laundry shouldve been folded and put away (I was too tired to do that). And yes I do feel judged by his parents especially after a certain comment his father once made which wasn't my fault because DH and I weren't home for a day and we had an emergency the day before. Ever since then I feel like I must MUST have a spotless home. Thats an issue that I need to work on to get the house perfectly spotless clean, but my MAIN issue was the 5 minutes notice. |
Okay, so your dh grew up in a family that expects things to be immaculate all the time, and it's really important to him. So...time to sit down with him and figure out to get that constantly spotless, visitor-ready house while raising young children. (Hint: it doesn't involve *you* working harder!)
And I'm sorry your FIL made an obnoxious comment to you before. One of my ILs did that too. I had a new baby in the house and it was the day of the bris that we had made by ourselves with no help from them, just lots of criticism. Urgh. It upset me at the time, but I don't care anymore. If people are idiotic enough not to realize that you *live* in your house, and so do your kids, then who cares what they think? I have so many horror stories I could tell you, but the truth is, they aren't recent ones, because I've learned to stand up for myself. If a family member makes an obnoxious comment, I answer with something like "Yes, your grandchildren sure are active, aren't they? Boy they keep me busy, kein ayin hara! You wanna wipe down the high chair for me? That'd be a big help!" FOOLPROOF.
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yersp
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 12:45 pm
delete
Last edited by yersp on Thu, Jan 22 2009, 1:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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goodheart
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 2:15 pm
well it depends to who? but I know how it is my sil and bil always stop in at the wrong time
eighther its supper time or bed time but they usally call when they on the way to me.or like
when they in the nieghborhood. so they dont give so much time.
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octopus
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 2:17 pm
well, it depends who.
I don't mind if my siblings gave me a few minutes notice. And even if they show up on my doorstep, I suppose it's okay.
but if it were in-law family- of course I would mind!
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BennysMommy
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 2:31 pm
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If my in-laws showed up, whatever time it was or however much notice they give me, I would let them in. Yes, maybe the house doesn't look like I would like it to, but they're in-laws after all. I would prob say something like "Sorry about the mess. Next time give me some notice and I'll make sure the house is clean"
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BennysMommy
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 2:33 pm
| BennysMommy wrote: | | If my in-laws showed up, whatever time it was or however much notice they give me, I would let them in. Yes, maybe the house doesn't look like I would like it to, but they're in-laws after all. I would prob say something like "Sorry about the mess. Next time give me some notice and I'll make sure the house is clean" |
To add to that...
Maybe I'm closer with my in-laws then most ppl. I don't give them notice when I want to go over. (unless it's for supper or shabbos or something) I have my own key to their house and walk in whenever I feel like it. Maybe mine is a diff case.
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GAMZu
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 9:34 pm
I tell my MIL to let me know at least 24 hours in advance!
Because they usually come for a good few hours at a time, and very often they want to take me and the kids on a small outing to the ocean or a park of some sort (they have a car, we don't.)
I also am rarely home. We spend a lot of time outdoors with the kids. So all your options are just too short! I wouldn't agree to have them unless they called at least 4 or 5 hours before. At least. But they know I prefer to know the night before.
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NativeMom
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 9:39 pm
[/quote]
To add to that...
Maybe I'm closer with my in-laws then most ppl. I don't give them notice when I want to go over. (unless it's for supper or shabbos or something) I have my own key to their house and walk in whenever I feel like it. Maybe mine is a diff case.[/quote]
I'm really close to my in laws too and when I lived near them I'd stop by whenever (usually everyday). They sort of expected it because they treat me like one of their own.
Despite this great relationship they never really came to visit us except for a couple times (once they stopped by on shabbos out of the blue and my apt was a wreck and a couple times they had shabbos lunch with us) Our schedules are always so hectic and it was always hard from the to come over. Not only that but I always get so stressed out when I know my in laws are coming because my MIL is a neat freak. We had them over for lunch and my apartment was SPOTLESS, or at least I thought it was. She noticed a little spot on a small corner of my oven and had to point it out to my FIL....that really bothered me. so now I need to know way in advance if they're coming so I can make sure my place is perfectly clean and spotless to her standards. I don't know if I should let it bother me so much but it does and I drive my self nuts trying to make everything perfect for them. I don't know if anyone else has that problem...
Last edited by NativeMom on Tue, Aug 05 2008, 9:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
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octopus
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 9:39 pm
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my mil would never pop in on me. If she would show up, of course I would let her in. But it would bother me if any of my in-law family would just drop in. I would be afraid of them judging me and my mess. I'm very hands-on with my kids-we play a lot together. I don't straighten up normally until after they go to bed. Unless of course if I know that I am having company, then I will straighten up the extra time.
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shoppingmom
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 10:01 pm
| ChavieK wrote: | | Just last night we were out & ds & dil called from our house & asked where we were. They will just come by with no notice. If I am on the way out I tell them, but I want it to be always be their "home". Dh & I never just drop by because they are newlymarried,(I expect same from her parents) but once baby is born it'll be diff. We have & try to have a relationship where it wouldn't matter if her home is spotless, mine isn't. I still have little ones & the accompaning mess. But I can tell you that even if it was a bad time , which op original post said nothing about that as reason, & the house was a mess, I would be quite insulted to be told to stand outside. How about saying "please excuse the mess, we just finished eating, & are getting the kids to bed. Just please say a qick goodnight to them" Do you visit your inlaws? |
Chavie, I have a whole book to write on this topic. I am posting anonyms because many ppl know my MIL. She loves DH me and my kids too such an extend that it's getting to me. I'm serious! She comes by without notice and it is just not fair. She is my MIL, you know? She doesn't have to see everything! Chavie, please don't do this. You'll just make your DIL resent you. She once popped in when I went to the Mikvah. You can't imagine how I felt afterwards when I found out she was in my apartment while I was at the Mikvah. I have a whole wrapped up gift, with a card and balloons prepared for my husband to see once he comes home, it was so.......
Once I had my first child it got out of hand. I wanted to tell DH every day or it's his mother or me (but of course being a goody goody I never told him this). I just couldn't handle it. My house wasn’t always so perfect, and I had such a pressure! You won't believe this. If I had something not done in the house (cuz I was bz with the baby and then it got so late that I was to tired to do it) I couldn't fall asleep, maybe MIL will come in the morning. So I would jump out of bed to do it. At a certain point I told DH he should please ask his mom to call in advance. You know what it helped for? Once she was at my doorstep, before knocking she called "I'm outside"!!
As my family was growing I started caring less and less. Nowadays she could pop in and the house could be flying, just TOO BAD!!! She always comes while I'm bathing the kids or right after supper before I have a chance to clean up. I know it's not mentchlich for the house to be that way (ok, it doesn't look THAT bad) but I just have no choice! As a DIL I know that this is very very wrong of a MIL to do. I hate to write it, but it’s very true. A MIL is not a Mother and a DIL is not a Daughter!
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shoppingmom
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 10:04 pm
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oh no, please forgive me! I couldn't post it as Anonymous.......
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Rebshosh
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Tue, Aug 05 2008, 11:25 pm
My mil is the same way about messes, noticing every little thing. For that reason I don't like when she comes over because something is always giong to be out of place or messy, just the way I am. I try to clean and keep things neat, but there's always somwthing that could be better...
I don't think its polite ever to call someone and say, "I'm coming by in 5 minutes/10minutes/an hour." People should always call and ASK if its OK for them to come by today and what would be a good time for you. Unless you are very, very close to someone. Whenever my in-laws do this I always say its fine to come and tell them when is good for us, even if its not really the best day for it. I now they love seeing their grandson and it makes me feel so much better that they are respecting my space and asking before showing up.
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teachby
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Wed, Aug 06 2008, 1:57 am
I'm the one person who voted for "5 minutes", but maybe I misunderstood the thread/question when I voted. I only meant I call before I pop over to the next door neighbor for sugar or flour or something. Otherwise, I never "invite" myself over. I might drop by someone's house on shabbos, but then I'm obviously not calling in advance at all...
I also might pop in unannounced on my parents during the week, but that's about it. And that's usually only if we are in their neighborhood and someone needs the bathroom...
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