How much advance notice is mentchlich before visiting?

Seraph

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 4:27 am

NativeMom wrote:

I always get so stressed out when I know my in laws are coming because my MIL is a neat freak. We had them over for lunch and my apartment was SPOTLESS, or at least I thought it was. She noticed a little spot on a small corner of my oven and had to point it out to my FIL....that really bothered me. so now I need to know way in advance if they're coming so I can make sure my place is perfectly clean and spotless to her standards. I don't know if I should let it bother me so much but it does and I drive my self nuts trying to make everything perfect for them. I don't know if anyone else has that problem...

Ditto, ditto... I had my mil over for shabbos once and the place was mamash spotless... We were in the middle of the meal and I finished serving the soup, so put the ladel in the sink... and I poured out some liquid into the sink... then my mil went into the kitchen, saw the "disgusting mess" and came back into the dining room announcing "I'm going to go home after shabbos and speak lashon hora about you to everyone telling them what an awful housewife you are" or something to that extent... the place was CLEAN!! I was just in the middle of serving a shabbos meal, not in the middle of doing nothing... oysh, I need at least a day's notice with her coming over...

Seraph

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 4:46 am

and to the original question on this thread...
I think if you're stopping over to borrow something or lend something, a call before you head out the door is fine, but if you're planning on visiting, you should call at least a few hours beforehand asking if its ok.
I HATE HATE HATE when anyone comes without making plans first. There are a few people that I dont mind popping in without asking first, but those are only my closest friends that a) I can tell them when they're at the door "now's really not a good time" and they wont get offended b) are close enough to not judge me if my place is a wreck c) that I feel comfortable enough getting done what I need to get done even while they're there- whether its nursing, cleaning, giving baths, or whatnot... I don't change my plans if someone pops in unannounced...

worst is if someone I'm not close with pops in at a bad time, and the place is a mess or I have plans (which would include putting uriel to sleep) and I dont feel close enough with them to tell them that I cant have them over... so then they come in, and I feel resentful for them ruining my day, and it doesnt make for a very enjoyable visit... once I missed my son's doc appt because a guest came over and I got so flustered and invited her in, and forgot about his appt until it was long over... and this was a long awaited appt...
my husband doesnt understand why I get flustered- he said the house should be presentable at all times... but I cant do that. I dont clean as I cook, for example... I clean when I'm done cooking... so if they catch me while cooking, the place is a mess... or if I need to put uriel to sleep, my husband doesnt understand why I cant just put him to sleep later... only because my husband isnt a stay at home dad, so doesnt realize how insanely kvetchy and clingy uriel gets when he misses his naptime.
and there was this boy I tutored who would call 10 minutes beffore asking if he could come for 2 hours... I needed at least a days notice... when I tell people that I need notice, like I did with this boy and a certain friend, my husband gets very upset at me for "hurting their feelings" and says I should just deal with the annoyance. I'm willing to once or twice but not when it becomes frequent...

on shabbos is the only time I dont get annoyed when people dont call before (both because u cant, and because the place is clean), but even so I still would prefer a heads up, as once a freind popped over to ask if I would like to go for a walk when I was just on the way to the mikva, and I said I cant, then proceeded to walk out the door... it was uncomfortable and I'm not sure if she thought I didnt want her company, or if she caught on...

biggest issue of mine with guests is I dont know how to let them know its time to leave, without sounding rude... but I'll start another thread on that...