stubborn child/ power struggles. How do U deal?

supermommy

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 5:22 pm

I begining to feel that everyday is one power struggle after another with 3 yr. old ds. How do you deal with this? Some things are doable I just have to have an infinite amount of patience but sometimes I don't have it and really get frustrated.
It starts with getting dressed or any task I ask him to do he just refuses or starts getting wild. Either he claims he doesn't want to wear what I chose or if I ask him which outfit he wants to wear he ignores me and just won't get dressed. Once the outfit is chosen 50% of the time he will spontaneously start to throw the clothing behind the head board of my bed (so that it will be hard to get)
This is just one example
another is that recently he potty trained and at this point will go to the bathroom just about anywhere except for in his own classroom. Why? Because I told him on his first day back at school to make sure to use the toilet when he needs to. He will use any other classroom toilet but not his own. He will hold it in all day and cry the whole way home that he needs to make but will not use the toilet in his classroom. What should I do? Make his morah go to a diff. classroom everytime he needs to make just cuz he's being stubborn?
Anyone one of you ladies have to deal with such stubborness? your advise would be much appreciated.

su7kids

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 5:30 pm

I wouldn't engage it.

If he doesn't like the clothes you choose, let him choose his own. If he doesn't, he gets to go to school in his pj's. ONCE will be enough.

If he doesn't want to go to the toilet in the classroom, as the teacher to take him to a different one, in other words, take the CHARGE out of it.

While she's there, she can also tell him how only special people get to use the one in THEIR classroom, and let HER deal with it.

The most important thing with a stubborn kid is not to engage in fights.

Much easier to LET them win and then there's no "charge" behind it.

Starhavah

Wed, Aug 13 2008, 2:56 pm

su7kids wrote:

I wouldn't engage it.

If he doesn't like the clothes you choose, let him choose his own. If he doesn't, he gets to go to school in his pj's. ONCE will be enough.

I wouldn't bet on it. I bet he wants to go to school in PJs for weeks or months before he gives up.

su7kids wrote:

If he doesn't want to go to the toilet in the classroom, as the teacher to take him to a different one, in other words, take the CHARGE out of it.

I agree that the best course of action is to take the charge out of the fight.

If the teacher does not mind taking him to another room fine, but I would say that the teacher should say to him, I am busy right now, I can take you to the bathroom in the other room in 5 minutes or you can use the bathroom in this room now. She should take him in the 5 minutes if he chooses that. And not make a big deal out of it.

Personally, I would do that with everything you ask him. I would never take clothes out for him. I would ask him what he wants to wear as soon as I woke him. As far as leaving school, I would ask him if he needs to use the potty in the classroom. I would remind him it is a long ride home and that if he does not use the potty in the classroom you do not want to hear him cry and complain about how he has to go.

I have to say the behavior you described seems very extreme to me. It might be worthwhile to see if there is something going on. Please have him evaluated. Have you ever heard of ODD-Oppositional Defiance Disorder? Despite it sounding like ill-mannered children getting labeled, it is a real disorder.

Star Havah

supermommy

Wed, Aug 13 2008, 4:36 pm

Well at this point B"H he will use the toilet in his classroom but ONLY if I am there. Otherwise he holds it in and dances his way through the day untill I come to pick him up.

Thanks StarH. I will do some research on what you said. I do find myself thinking veeery hard before I say anything to ds because he may react in an oppositional way. I feel like I'm planning daily battles to diffuse them before they start. My post contains just a small sampling of what he does but really it could be about anything. It's his additude that frightens me.

He would gladly choose his own clothes if I wouldn't ask him too. Everything always boils down to power struggle. I try very hard not to charge anything but many times it ends up that way. If I somehow found a way to avoid him throwing his clothing behind the couch or bed he may very well do just that to his sisters clothes just because.

What

Oh well I think I'll start researching now. Funny thing is that he behaves very nicely in school and large social settings he just lets go when he's with me and even more so when he's around dd.

red sea

Wed, Aug 13 2008, 8:43 pm

Quote:

It's his additude that frightens me.

Somewhere in the very distant past I remember learning a meforash that commented (ok, not applicable to your ds but still the same point) on esav and also one of the kings, possibly david hamelech. Its point was that traits can be channeled for the good or bad, like esav couldve been a butcher & that would have worked for him.

Stubborn is another word for determined which happens to be a great strength. I would think that maybe you can learn to help him channel that into the positive maybe and be sensitive in your parenting techniques to it.

supermommy

Wed, Aug 13 2008, 9:03 pm

Thanks red sea I needed to hear that. I just finished reading about ODD and couldn't help but feel a little frightened because some of those things I read about are totally relevant to some degree (but not all).
The truth is he is very determined and if he wants to do something he will like aleph bais for example. He loved learning the letters and by the time he hit 2 he knew them all in any order. He also loves to color and draw and works hard to color in the lines or to draw something specific he has in mind such as alef bais letters, hearts, or fish (and he's only 3).

luvmyjob

Wed, Aug 13 2008, 9:16 pm

I have a 3 year old and he can also be very strong minded. At this age it is not oppositional defiant disorder. It is very normal. My son, as soon as I ask him if he needs the bathroom tells me no, while he's doing the bathroom dance. Today I gave him a sticker for going, other times I just have to place him on the potty. If you give treats or stickers, you can ask him whther he wants asticker or a treat for going to make in his class. or other choices. I agree not to make power struggles but I dont believe in letting them get their way. I dont think its fair to expect the teacher to take him in another class. You can tell him if he wants to go to school he has to listen to morah otherwise he has to stay home. Another thing with getting dressed is I tell my son when he starts acting silly during time to get dressed is ok, Ill go get your sister dressed...Ill go take a shower and then he usually runs to get dressed. Dont make a fight butdont go running after his clothes either.

supermommy

Wed, Aug 13 2008, 11:09 pm

I've tried every sort of bribe out there we even worked our way up to going out for ice cream on the day he uses his classroom's toilet with morah. If I would tell him he will stay home he will happily ablige since he prefers to be a homebody even if he'll be bored at home.
hmmmm maybe I should use THAT as an incentive... "use the toilet in school and you'll get to stay home with mommy for one day."

Quote:

Another thing with getting dressed is I tell my son when he starts acting silly during time to get dressed is ok, Ill go get your sister dressed...Ill go take a shower and then he usually runs to get dressed. Dont make a fight butdont go running after his clothes either.

sounds like me but... that usually is what triggers him to toss his sister's last pair of clean socks behind the headboard