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Married guy made a comment about my hat...
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:09 am
on shabbat, I went to meet my husband after shul as there wasa kiddush after shul. we were walking to the kidush, my husband was walking ahead of my with some other guys, I was walking with the baby carriage. this guy comes up to me and says "what a cute kisuy rosh".
just for a drop of bacjground, I had dated this guy before I met my husband and so to me it felt REALLY REALLY weird that he said sucha comment to me.
do you thinkthat I am over reacting by feeling that this comment was WAY over the line? I feel so strange.
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wif




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:18 am
I guess it depends on your community. In my community, if a guy comes up to you to say anything other than "Call 911! My wife is bleeding all over the place and my cell phone is dead!" or something along those lines, it is unexpected and innapropriate. On the other hand, I have been in places where a married guy and girl (not to each other, ya understand) can lean against the wall and chat about stuff. So...think about his backround, and come to the logical conclusion.

Community differences aside, the fact that you used to date can make a personal compliment out of the blue awkward and innapropriate all by itself.
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greentiger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:18 am
Personally (and I am sure there are others who will disagree with me on this) I find any comments on appearance from non related males to be creepy.
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wif




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:21 am
greentiger wrote:
Personally (and I am sure there are others who will disagree with me on this) I find any comments on appearance from non related males to be creepy.


You know, that's true too. A few weeks after I had my baby I got a compliment from a neighbor that I look so great for someone who just had a baby. And I said, "um, thanks." And I thought, "um, ew."
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catonmylap




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:21 am
It's just weird because you dated him. Because you dated him, he felt comfortable enough to say something.

And because you dated him, anything personal he would say to you would feel weird.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:33 am
catonmylap wrote:
It's just weird because you dated him. Because you dated him, he felt comfortable enough to say something.

And because you dated him, anything personal he would say to you would feel weird.
maybe thats is, but I think that I would have felt weird if ANY married guy came over to me, if we dated or not, to tell me that my hat was nice. why is he looking at me in that way, you know? and conveniently, his wife was not around when he said it.
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Aidelmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:35 am
I would feel the same way shabbat. Really inappropriate, and even more so because you dated him.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:38 am
do y'all think I should say something? this is not the first time that he has singled me out. for example, even if my husband is right there, he will say specifically shabbat shalom to me or say something that is only for me and it makes me VERY uncomfortable.

should I just keep quiet? I am sure it would not bode well with his wife....
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:46 am
I also think it's totally inappropriate for an unrelated man to say anything about how a woman looks.

How well does your dh know this guy? If he is friendly maybe he could say something (out of hearing range of his wife). If not, I think I would leave it. Saying something might make things even more awkward. I would just totally ignore him - not say thank you or anything. That way he will get the message.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 4:49 am
shalhevet wrote:
I also think it's totally inappropriate for an unrelated man to say anything about how a woman looks.

How well does your dh know this guy? If he is friendly maybe he could say something (out of hearing range of his wife). If not, I think I would leave it. Saying something might make things even more awkward. I would just totally ignore him - not say thank you or anything. That way he will get the message.
he does not know this guy very well at all. actually, not going into details, but he has said some things that were not very nice to my husband as well, so if I were to even tell my husband that this guy said something like this to me, I am sure that my husband would get very mad, and with reason.

and of course, I did not say anything when he complimented (?) my hat. I got very embarrased actually and did not know what to do with myself.

ok, I will ignore it, but I know that it will be eating me up a bit as I know he will do it again and has done this in the past as well.
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zufriedene




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 5:12 am
what about being assertive and derech eretzdig and just saying, thats inappropiate for both of us.
pls respect my request and refrain from speaking to me.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 5:14 am
zufriedene wrote:
what about being assertive and derech eretzdig and just saying, thats inappropiate for both of us.
pls respect my request and refrain from speaking to me.
I guess the next time he says something like this to me I can say that, I didnt do that this time so I have to just forget about it, right? maybe next time (as I am sure there will be, unfortunately) I will try to be assertive and say something like that. thats not a bad idea. thanks.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 7:52 am
I would jsut say to him I dont feel comfortable by those type of comments please dont say those things to me
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amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 7:59 am
I'd be flattered.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:01 am
If a guy I once dated said that my hat is cute, I'd either think that he'd changed teams (the word cute making me wonder) or I'd think that I have a really cute hat, and I'd enjoy the complement. Getting a compliment from an ex can be great for the ego.

As everyone else said, it depends on what the norm is for your community.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:04 am
Clarissa wrote:
If a guy I once dated said that my hat is cute, I'd either think that he'd changed teams (the word cute making me wonder) or I'd think that I have a really cute hat, and I'd enjoy the complement. Getting a compliment from an ex can be great for the ego.

As everyone else said, it depends on what the norm is for your community.


In the Orthodox world, just because you dated a guy, doesn't mean you had a serious relationship. (and certainly not a physical one)
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:06 am
I'm sorry, but I don't get what your comment has to do with mine. I didn't discuss how serious the relationship might have been.
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Mimisinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:13 am
Raisin wrote:
Clarissa wrote:
If a guy I once dated said that my hat is cute, I'd either think that he'd changed teams (the word cute making me wonder) or I'd think that I have a really cute hat, and I'd enjoy the complement. Getting a compliment from an ex can be great for the ego.

As everyone else said, it depends on what the norm is for your community.


In the Orthodox world, just because you dated a guy, doesn't mean you had a serious relationship. (and certainly not a physical one)

Confused
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:20 am
Clarissa wrote:
I'm sorry, but I don't get what your comment has to do with mine. I didn't discuss how serious the relationship might have been.
yeah, I dont get it either, what difference does it make how serious the relationship was.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 14 2008, 8:23 am
Clarissa wrote:
If a guy I once dated said that my hat is cute, I'd either think that he'd changed teams (the word cute making me wonder) or I'd think that I have a really cute hat, and I'd enjoy the complement. Getting a compliment from an ex can be great for the ego.

As everyone else said, it depends on what the norm is for your community.
when you say switched teams, do you mean wanting s/o other than his wife or that he may be gay? sorry I just dont undersyand that.

for me a compliment from an ex would not be an ego booster for me, it would feel abd did, weird.

and how should I know what the norm is here? ive never heard any other guy say such a thing.
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