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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Asking/Refusing favors



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Ima'la




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 9:20 am
Quote:
Quote:
Here's a question for you, ladies...Do you think it would be inappropriate for a mother of a nursing baby to ask ladies if she can go ahead of them. (Ask - not demand.) I wouldn't mind the question and might consider letting her go ahead, but I don't usually offer to let people go ahead of me b/c I feel like it's not fair to DH whose also waiting

[snip]
if you ask a waiting room filled with ladies, then anyone who minds will have to provide a reasonable excuse, which is really none of anybodys business. If someone just answers "yes, I mind" without providing an explanation she will be seen as cold and uncaring.


(Please do not get hung up on the nursing/mikva issue - that is NOT the point of this thread!)

Do you agree with this? If someone asks you to do a favor and you say no, do you HAVE to provide a plausible excuse? Will you be seen as cold and uncaring if you don't? Can't you say warmly, "I'm really sorry, I wish I could help you out, but I can't right now"?

Is it rude to ask for a favor because then the person HAS to do it? Or is part of the problem that some people have difficulty saying no? Can we never ask a favor that may or may not inconvenience someone just in case it *is* inconvenient? What if they could easily have helped and wouldn't have minded - if they had only been asked?
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Fabulous




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 9:24 am
I understand the woman who has a nursing baby at home, but everyone there has reasons why they are rushing. No one is sitting leisurely in the waiting room and won't mind if someone goes ahead. I do not think it's fair to ask because yes, people would feel they HAVE to say yes.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 9:52 am
Yes, people have a problem with saying, no. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I have a friend who has trouble saying no because she doesn't want the other person to think badly of her. I told her, she (my friend) will start feeling resentment towards the one asking if she's always going to say, yes, especially if she doesn't want to.

I don't have a problem with saying, no LOL . I do pick my battles, though. I dont' always say, no, depends on the situation. As for giving a reason, it's not necesary, but you'll feel less guilty and put the other person at ease. If there's no reason for saying, no, just because you don't want to, I'd probably hem and haw and just not give a reason, unless asked.
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cookielady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 10:00 am
I think its unfair to ask women to go ahead of them. Often, ppl are on a very tight schedule and cant really wait another 1/2 hour to allow someone to go ahead first. If I make the effort to get to the mikva at opening time so I can be out right away, I would really not be thrilled to be asked to let someone else go first.

If I was asked, I would prob feel like I have to say yes to accommodate their needs. If a person has a special situation, then arrange with the mikvah lady in advance, dont put ppl on the spot.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 2:53 pm
in terms of mikvah, one shouldn't ask. if you want to go ahead, call the mikvah and make an appointment. make sure to be there on time.

I think if someone at the mikvah says sorry but no it is understood why she said no. but some have a hard time saying no anyway.

saying no is a learned art. I'm a firm believer in saying no when necessary.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 2:57 pm
mummiedearest wrote:

saying no is a learned art. I'm a firm believer in saying no when necessary.


teach me! teach me!
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 3:02 pm
octopus, I sincerely hope you're still happy to be a mommy?

say this over and over:

what's best for me is best for my family. my family comes first, so I come first. a happy mommy/wife is the best kind of mommy/wife I can be.

next you weigh the value of the favor. is it an emergency? if so, does the person have other options?
is it a typical favor that she can handle you refusing? is it a case of something she's used to you saying yes to and may just be taking you for granted?

based on that consider the reaction you are likely to have. if it is an imposition and not an absolute emergency, say no. it's a short word, it'll be over before you know it Wink
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2008, 3:38 pm
a person needs to be true to themselves ... but think both ways before you say no ... sometimes it could be a yes ... however that is just in general ... when it comes to mikva and waiting on line - we're all in the same "rush" (more or less) ... there are exceptions to every rule (real emergencies) and that should be taken up privately with the mikva lady and not the women waiting in line ...
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sue flower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2016, 8:23 am
the easiest way to reply is just to say 'I can't' without any explanation! Just hold strong because everyone has a right to choose what she can and cannot do or is willing or unwilling to do. Without explanation.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2016, 9:04 am
Personally I think it's wrong to ask anyone to cut the line in the mikva.
I don't know anyone who is going to the mikva who is not stressed and in a rush to get home.
Asking favors like that where you know most people do mind is just putting them in an awkward position.
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2016, 10:48 am
This is an OLD thread!
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