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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Is it rude to ask for hachnasas orchim to avoid...



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amother


 

Post Fri, Nov 28 2008, 10:42 am
paying for a hotel? Or for simple convenience?

We are going on a trip and we could stay at a hotel or we could ask friends to host us. We would love to see our friends, but is it rude to ask them if we are not really coming specifically to see them? Of course, even if we saved money by not going to a hotel we would spend money by buying our hosts a nice gift (or certificate so they can get what they want), but it would still probably end up cheaper and nicer for us.

I have accepted hachnasas orchim (meaning staying/sleeping at someone's house, not just eating there, in this case) in the past, but most of those times were before I was married and had kids. Other times I was a sleepover guest, I was in a position of real need, so I did not feel bad asking. Now, it is not what I would call real need (although was are not going on vacation either), more just convenience.

Is it rude?
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 28 2008, 10:45 am
I think if you make it clear you are coming to town for X, then you give the hosts a chance to decline if it would be a burden with few "rewards" ie. visiting for them. Also, you canbring a gift of some type to show appreciation.


Of course, if these are the type of people who feel obligated and don't have the guts to say "no" if they don't want to do something, and then they would feel resentment...well, maybe don't ask.

I think healthy people know how to say "no".
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 28 2008, 11:02 am
Yes, I think its' rude to invite yourself anywhere unless it's an emergency. The polite thing to do is to metnion you're going to be in town, hope to be able to see them while you're there, then ask them where's a good place to stay, and hope they invite you. If they don't, then you're no worse off than you were before.

NotInNJMommy, they can't "can" bring a gift to show appreciation, they MUST do so, and it should be generous. Having sleepover guests involves a lot more than having someone for a Shabbos meal--and if they're coming with kids in tow, even more so.
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 28 2008, 11:21 am
Well, in my circles, it isn't uncommon to have people over bc they are in town for something not directly related tothe family. In my circles, you ask and are direct, and you say no if you cannot.

I guess there are different social customs depending on what is typical in your community.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 29 2008, 10:10 am
if they are good friends and would enjoy your company, not necessarily. Staying in a hotel over shabbos especially with kids is often not a fun experience, especially if you have kids who can't walk, and there is no eruv. Definately mention you are coming, and see what they say. If my friends were coming to town I'd love to host them!

btw I live out of town and people (total strangers) constantly call up and ask us if we can find them a place to sleep (and eat) for shabbos.
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drumjj




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 29 2008, 2:13 pm
I dont mind when ppl ask me to stay either and not eat at me. and I do the same to friends. im going to ny for a bro in laws wedding and I just asked a friend if I could stay there, half invited myself and she said sure no problem even though im not going specifcally to see them
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bubs




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 29 2008, 3:51 pm
In our circles, it is done often. If you are a good friend and want to spend some time with them, they would appreciate it unless they have prior commitments. I have had to say no cuz my kids were coming in as well or stuff. Otherwise , it's fun to rekindle old friendships and relive the good times. We often go out one evening or something and have a grand time. So go ahead and call them and enjoy!
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 29 2008, 4:10 pm
zaq wrote:
Yes, I think its' rude to invite yourself anywhere unless it's an emergency. The polite thing to do is to metnion you're going to be in town, hope to be able to see them while you're there, then ask them where's a good place to stay, and hope they invite you. If they don't, then you're no worse off than you were before.

NotInNJMommy, they can't "can" bring a gift to show appreciation, they MUST do so, and it should be generous. Having sleepover guests involves a lot more than having someone for a Shabbos meal--and if they're coming with kids in tow, even more so.


sorry but what planet do you hail from ... where is the mitzva of hachnoses orchim ... not everyone can come bearing gifts ... not to mention the idea of friendship ... friends are able to understand the truth of a situation whatever it may be ... im yesh makom balev - makom bashulchan - figuratively speaking if there is room in the heart there is room by the table ...

to the OP if you're looking for a nicer shabbos atmosphere and not merely "maid service" I say ask ...
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Fabulous




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 29 2008, 4:18 pm
I think it depends on how much of a "bother" and work you are going to be putting on your hosts and if they will feel as if they have to entertain you. If you are just going to be there to sleep, eat a few meals and not for most of the day, I say ask. If it will put alot of work on them, I would think twice.
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sympa




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 01 2008, 2:00 am
Raisin wrote:
... btw I live out of town and people (total strangers) constantly call up and ask us if we can find them a place to sleep (and eat) for shabbos.


Great! Can we stay by you? Very Happy We have a stop-over in Europe, and haven't found a place to stay yet.
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OldYoung




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 01 2008, 7:25 am
If I had the room, I would be so honored if my friends called and asked to stay at our house while they're on vacation. It would be a pleasure to host them, no matter what their intentions are! I would hope they would have a spectacular time doing 'their own thing.' It would be a treat just to see them, I don't care if it's only for a few minutes. I don't think I'd mind the extra cooking and laundry, and if it will save them money, of course I'd have them. I wouldn't consider it rude if friends asked me to host them, and I hope they would feel just as happy to host me too.
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ChossidMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 01 2008, 7:29 am
I'm with all the ladies who say to ask. Make sure that she knows that it's fine if she turns you down! Tell her your real reason for wanting to be with them (more heimish or whatever).
Behatzlacha.
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