Can we teach our pre-schoolers tact?

amother

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 8:14 pm

My son (5) has therapy once a week (OT), and last week his (non-jewish) OT asked what Chanuka is all about. My son responded quite seriously with "We have Chanuka because your nation tried to kill our nation and we won the war" adding that she wasn't bad, just some people in her nation were. How can I teach my son tact?

canadamom

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 8:21 pm

I actually think that is a pretty smart answer for a 5 year old. (even though it's embaressing)
children learn from experience, now that this episode happened explain to him why she might have been hurt from his comment.
when children stare at a child in a wheelchair it is out of curiosity, they don't mean to be mean. if it happens explain why it's wrong...

your child is perfectly normal.

Hatemywig

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 8:25 pm

You can teach your kids manners but you cant teach them to have tact because its a trait your born with, either you have it, or you dont.

BTW your kid is real cute BAH I would say that what he said wasn't tactless but honest and truthful!!!

Stepmum

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 8:30 pm

This is why I never teach my students that any of our enemies were the 'non-Jews'. I'm careful to use a nation's name, and where possible, use the Hebrew name, e.g. Mitzrim instead of Egyptians, Yevonim instead of Greeks, etc. I've become more sensitive to this in the past couple of years, because my school will hire non-Jews as temps, but even before that, it makes it simpler for the kids, and avoids awkward situations like OP's.

amother

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 8:36 pm

Whoa! Hold off on condemning. It was a 5 year old view on what he understood from a variety of sources (like being taught in school, tapes on Chanuka, an explanation of Al Hanissim, etc.) I teach my children tolerance and that all people of the world are deserving of our respect no matter what "nation" they hail from. In his 5 year old mind he understood that a non-jewish nation fought with a jewish nation and we won. I neglected to mention that after that embarrassing moment where I was wishing kids came with an off switch, he continued on to explain how a small jug of oil lasted 8 days and even gave her a whole "pshat" on Chanu Chaf Hey and then apologized that he didn't think she understood lashon kodesh. I apologized for his comment about the "nation" thing, but she laughed it off and said that she was sure I wouldn't get offended if someone secular told me that they celebrate X-mas because the god we (as in Jews collectively) killed was born that day.
But is it possible to teach a child what is appropriate (after the fact) and what is not?

shanie5

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 10:48 pm

my kids told non-jewish friends of ours that when mashiach comes there will be a war and the jews will win/kill the non-jews, and all the non jews left will be our slaves!!!! (interestingly, the mom asked my kids-"but what if we are on your side?")

This did not come from me. And it was hard to explain to my kids what was not right about their telling friends what they learned.

amother

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 10:58 pm

Stepmum wrote:

This is a good point. I was just discussing this with another educator (most of the students in her school are not frum) and told me a cute, but poignant story. She was in EY and was speaking to her (then) 3 year old on the phone. He asked her, "Mommy where are you?" She said, "I'm in EY" to which he responded, "Mommy! Come back right now! That is a terrible terrible place!" She asked him why he thought it was a bad place, to which he answered, "There are bad, bad ppl there!" When she asked him what ppl he was talking about he said, "Paroh and Anitochus" etc. She then decided that the following year when teaching these events to preschoolers, it is IMPERATIVE to emphasis that these things happened a long, long time ago. Not now. Not when your grandparents were born. LONG LONG AGO!

Pineapple

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 11:01 pm

shanie5 wrote:

Did the mom ask you anything?

alpidarkomama

Thu, Jan 01 2009, 2:15 am

Stepmum wrote:

Great idea!!!!!! I'm going to start doing that all the time now. Thank you!

shanie5

Sat, Jan 03 2009, 8:20 pm

Pineapple wrote:

shanie5 wrote:

Did the mom ask you anything?

yep, it was the mom who told me the story. I honestly dont remember my answer, but we are friends-and she even wrote a book about how she learned a lot from being friends w/ orthodox jews.