Making 3 Sheva Brachos for Sister, vent, any help appreciate

amother

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 11:16 am

so for whatever reason my parents are not involved in my sisters wedding. I am the oldest so lots of stuff falls on my lap, but not all the wedding planning, just lots of emotional help

after they got engaged, my sis and future bil, asked if I would make a sunday night sheva brachos, superbowl party for them. I said sure, even though that week we have to travel into the state of the wedding, and then back the next day. being that I have a number of kids k'h and am currently pregnant thank g-d, I know its not gonna be easy, but I will gladly do it.

somehow, this turned into making friday night, shabbos and sunday night sheva brachos. I dont know how this happened, I was not asked or told anything, It somehow just became assumed that I am doing it.

the future bil dosnt seem to be the most popular family, and I am assuming, they could not get enough people to make them sheva brachos, so I became the Hilton Hotel over night, for him and his family...

I feel I have been totally taken advantaged of. the only thing keeping me from canceling it, is the fact that if my parents were involved, the sheva brachos would be made in the state where they live, but since they are not, I am next in line to host it. but come on, a whole weekend of sheva brachos hosted by one person!!!

I will not put this on any of my friends and ask someone else to do it, the most I have done is accept offers to make food from close friends, it still is my responsibility .

I have told the bil what I want him to bring back from his state for the sheva brachos, I told him, did not ask, just like he did not ask me to host his family for two extra sheva brachos, I was told. I think they are lacking major social and manner skills, and I just cant believe someone would do that to someone else. mind you the bil is over 25, and not a baby...

what would you do? it is too late to change anything, I am just still having problems coming to terms with the fact that somehow I got tricked into doing this, and I wish I can rewind and say, look- its too much.

anon for obvious reasons

MiracleMama

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 11:42 am

I am exhausted and fed up just thinking about your situation. You don't have to let your sister and bil to be abuse you like this. You can still say NO. It really is taking advantage I think and even if I felt bad for them and went along with it I'm sure my husband would step in and tell them himself NO WAY are you going to abuse my wife this way. Is this something your husband could/ would do if you yourself feel so uncomfortable making a confrontation?

pacifier

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 11:56 am

just take it easy. don't do anything fancy. you dont have to make everything you usually make for shabat.
buy gefilte fish. buy the challot.
make a few salads. roast some chicken thighs. a few kugels. make a big chulent and your done for shabat
for dessert, make a cake and serve with ice. a few fruits.

and whoever is staying by you, make sure to assign them a job. x to havve the tables set by a certain time. y to look after the kids. z to help in kitchen....

amother

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 11:58 am

he understands the situation and will do everything in his power to help make food and prepare, he really stands behind me on everything, and he agrees on both sides, that its a crazy amount for one host to do, but also she has no one, so we really are on the same page thank g-d. He's gonna take off more work hopefully so he will be home one day to bring up the tables and drive around and pick up folding chairs and all the other last minute stuff. its not just me that has to do this work, its him also and its not like him to complain. he just does what needs to be done.

amother

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 12:02 pm

I have a small house and no room for guests to sleep comfortably. I am not having anyone stay here except a married sister who dosnt have kids. she is coming really to help me out.

I am making simple, but since there are lots of women coming also, its not just the 10 men, it comes out to 16 at one meal, 18 at another and the shalosh seudes, is at least 12-13.

im making and freezing. a friend is making all the challah rolls, I got wholesale chicken coming in next week, I ordered a large round cake, im making a trifle, and a few salads and basics.

thanks for your help!

DefyGravity

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 12:07 pm

Am I correct in guessing that it's around a month before the wedding? It's possible that some people will come out of the woodwork and ask to make a sheva brachos, so I don't think you should commit yourself to doing three of them.

DO NOT do three sheva brachos if you're unable (or don't want) to do it. It's not a must to have all 7 sheva brachos. If they don't have all of them, it's not the end of the world.

If you absolutely CAN'T get out of it, here's an easy menu for your sheva brachos:

Friday night dinner:
Chicken soup
Roasted chicken
Rice or couscous, or other pasta
Broccoli kugel (or other kugel that is easy to make a lot of, serve it for lunch as well)
Salad
Have people bring dessert

Saturday lunch:
Different easy salads: lettuce salad, corn salad, chick peas
Green beans
Big Cholent
Leftover kugel

Superbowl:
French fries
salad
hot dogs
hamburgers (buy premade patties)
frozen knishes

amother

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 12:14 pm

thanks defy, I actually already have the menu planned, its very simple. it was originally a friday night, shabbos lunch and then sunday night sheva brachos.

I decided that if I do friday night a big thing and then the very next early afternoon another whole thing, Im gonna be zonked and the people who come for the lunch will be at my house all shabbos day, because they dont have the manners and ettiquite to know when to leave, I met them so I know what to expect. So I decided on a small buffet shalosh seudes, I will call it for 4:00,till 5:30 whereupon the men will leave to mincha/maariv.

As it is, I have a small house and my living room will be taken over my tables and chairs a whole weekend, at least for this part I can move over the tables and have just chairs, so my kids can have their space back.

Its really a lot to put on someone. I would never ever do this to someone.

Raisin

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 3:45 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I just want to add that you shouldn't plate the food. Serve it family style, and then you'll have less waste and more leftovers that you can freeze for future shabbosim. I did sheva brachos recently, and feel great about it because I have lots of great leftovers.

I never plate food. Maybe once or twice in my life. I think it is such a waste. I'll never forget eating by a family in ch for shabbos. After the fish and soup we were each served a plate containing a full quarter of chicken, generous portions of 3 different kugels, and some other things. I have a big appetite but there was no way I could eat that. Needless to say, the hosts were mainly all on the large side.

I serve family style every shabbos. very few people eat a full quarter of chicken, I always have plenty left.

normama

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 3:45 pm

umm, DON"T DO 7 SHEVA BRACHOT!!!
wow, so many ppl get caught up in this when it only ends up being a hassle for all involved!
you need 7 blessings at the chuppah. and everyone gets it again at bentching, but you don't HAVE to have a whole week of it.

ask your rov, sheva brachot for 7 days is a NICE thing. that's all .

not halacha, not minhag, not kabbalisitic.
just nice.
and if there is no one to make it, then DON"T!
I know some VERY frum families, with lots of friends, who could have had
all 7 sheva brachos, but decided not to b/c of the different cities and tircha involved.
let yourself relax, and not have to start out resenting the new couple.(not that you do, but you might after all this)

greenfire

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 5:20 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Amother, whatever you decide to do, do it with a full heart. Do what you have strength for, and can afford and most of all, enjoy the simcha !!!!

great point Thumbs Up

while it might have been handled a little different - now that you are "stuck" do it graciously as best as you can ... things do not have to be elaborate ... 4 pieces of chicken are just as easy to cook as 20 - use aluminum pans ... big kugels go a long way ... basic is hardy ... have lots of challah & cakes ... chips & dips ... bags of lettuce ... tell peoples to byob ... layout the tables in an L or U setting cause it fits more peoples ... get loads of dixie paper plates - pretty n cheap ...

l'chaim Drunken Smile

mazel tov !!!

Lechatchila Ariber

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 5:35 pm

can you get hired help and have your bil pay for it?

If there is still a month to go I don't understand why you don't just say hey, I never asked to do all this I CAN'T do all this...!

It sounds like madness to me. If he has a family, why don't they do it?

I don't understand all these threads where people say they were asked to do mad things and they feel they have to do it.
Being pregnant and expected to host 3 large meals one after the other? Confused

bubby

Tue, Jan 06 2009, 5:56 pm

Sorry, I think you need to accept some responsibility here & just say no can do. It's unreasonable of them to ask & foolish of you to agree. Making 3 Sheva Brachas is totally unreasonable. I found it hard to make Fri night & Shabbos (as the Kallahs' mother) & much of it was catered! Of course, I didn't have little kids & I wasn't pregnant either.

Cancel 2 of them. Have the Machatonim host one & your parents pay for another in a local Shul hall.