Protecting a gorgeous child from vanity

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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ShakleeMom

Sat, Jan 17 2009, 9:43 pm

Not to brag, but I’m terribly concerned. Everywhere I turn I get this about my 4 year old dd. I’m afraid it will get to her head. How do you deal with it?

happymom

Sat, Jan 17 2009, 10:10 pm

u can just tell her that hashem gives us all our pretty features and when someone compliments us we can say boruch hashem, thank g-d that he made us pretty... hashem is the one who makes us look this way. there is nothing wrong with knowing you are pretty and realizing its from hashem, not something we did to breag about..

downsyndrome

Sat, Jan 17 2009, 10:44 pm

Keep reminding her that she got her great looks from her mom, so all the credit to you!! LOL

greenfire

Sat, Jan 17 2009, 10:51 pm

tell her to keep her inside as pretty as her outside ...

ShakleeMom

Sat, Jan 17 2009, 10:53 pm

greenfire wrote:

tell her to keep her inside as pretty as her outside ...

She's FOUR for crying out loud.

HindaRochel

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 12:34 am

That is a fairly common thing for people to say about young children, she's so pretty, she's so gorgeous. Just emphasize her values.

MiracleMama

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 12:46 am

I have a friend with an exceptionally gorgeous daughter and when people have commented to her (with the child in ear-shot) I have heard her respond with "thank you, but it's her beautiful middos that really give us nachas" or "well, more importantly, she is very beautiful on the inside. But thank you."

amother

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 1:53 am

Shaklee I have this problem too to the point that when someone tells my 4 yr old this she says 'I know B"H'

I tell her "in future to just say Thank-YOu.'Besides you are the way Hashem made you and being pretty is not everything u have to be nice andheerfull and kind to others."

I have more of a problem since I have another dd who is quite talented b"h but does not get compliments like her and is not store stopper etc
So far it has not affected my older one but I am worried that soon it might . I do dress the older one cute and nice, but whereas the younger one could wear a sheet and look gorgoeus the older one does not. Talents from the older one don't show thru at first glance and some people are clueless with their comments etc

Honestly though as a mother perhaps blinded or whatever I don't think she's gorgous just cute, but even my boys and some of our shul goers are telling me to watch out for an ayin hora, go figure

Isramom8

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:03 am

We have one like that, bli ayin hara. We just never played it up at all. I tell her, just like I tell the other kids, how mesuderet (neat and tidy) she looks for school, or mechubedet (honorable) for Shabbos. Now in high school, she wanted some makeup for special occasions, and I was like, "oh okay, a little would look nice even though you don't need it, you know".

I always talk with my daughters about how actors' and models' lives are so shallow and sad. And how looks don't determine how happy or valued a person is.

At this point, I would assume that if an adult mentioned her good looks, she would turn the conversation back to them, or simply let it slide. She might feel happy, but realize "that's nice, but so what".

greenfire

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:18 am

ShakleeMom wrote:

greenfire wrote:

tell her to keep her inside as pretty as her outside ...

She's FOUR for crying out loud.

shall I rephrase it ... tell her Hashem made her beautiful but the way she behaves is what makes her really beautiful ...

Isramom8

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 3:57 am

Four is high time to start giving her the tools to deal with her nisayon.

Also, tell her Hashem thinks she looks so nice when she dresses with tznius.

ShakleeMom

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 8:45 am

amother wrote:

Exactly our situation. She's not o verbal for me to tell her about middos and stuff... I'm asking in advance before it becomes a problem so I should be prepared.

micki

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 9:36 am

since she is obviously not the only gorgoeous child in the world, if you don't make a big deal of it, she won't.
every child is gorgeous, its in the eye of the beholder.

Lady Godiva

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 9:48 am

ShakleeMom wrote:

greenfire wrote:

tell her to keep her inside as pretty as her outside ...

She's FOUR for crying out loud.

Doesn't matter the age. Kids understand. I always tell my kids that a good heart is more important than physical beauty and although looking good is important, it's not the only important thing in life.

shlomitsmum

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:22 pm

my DD now 12 is very pretty K'AH..... so since ever I tell her:

Specially after people tell her she is "stunning" ,I call her pretty and cute when called for but make an effort to notice and mention her good middot so that she internalizes what is most important.

I also say....

Beauty is a blessing and sometimes a test ,and with every blessing there is an expectation .....eg: wealthy should give more tzedakah.

" the most important is Inner beauty ,It last's forever" "you are blessed on the outside ,so you must guard your inside" (yup , my own maternal wisdom one liners ....LOL well, maybe not the first one)

Or I also say.... "make sure your nechama matches your hair and face luv" as she gets ready in the morning for school.

She has mean girls in her class and sometimes feels tempted to be catty back.... so I'm constantly stressing the "Inner beauty part" when I hear ,"I should have tould so and so she was being a cow" ....LOL
Girls are fun let me tell ya... Wink

Beauty is a form of power and with power comes great responsibility ,you can use it for good and grow to be tzanua and a kiddush Hashem or Has v' shalom a stumbling block for others .

amother

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 2:38 pm

micki wrote:

since she is obviously not the only gorgoeous child in the world, if you don't make a big deal of it, she won't.
every child is gorgeous, its in the eye of the beholder.

Lol Micki Practical and most sensible advice given! another reason why I do my best to play it down, glad too know there is someone out there who thinks like me.

ShakleeMom

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 6:54 pm

I'll surely try all of the above. Thanks!

cassandra

Sun, Jan 18 2009, 7:31 pm

I got that a lot when I was four-- I had curly blond hair in the age of perms and really, really long and thick eyelashes. Comments probably stopped when I was around nine. Wink

So wait and see what happens-- I'd be much more concerned with a pre-teen or teen being constantly told that they are beautiful than a small child. At this point it doesn't have much meaning to them anyway.

louche

Tue, Jan 20 2009, 11:48 am

cassandra wrote:

:

So wait and see what happens-- I'd be much more concerned with a pre-teen or teen being constantly told that they are beautiful than a small child. At this point it doesn't have much meaning to them anyway.

Same here. Up through preschool they garnered compliments galore to the point that I felt uneasy, but then the remarks tapered off. I "fought back" by complimenting the kids on how neat, clean, shabbosdik, grown-up etc. they looked, to emphasize values that are within their control as opposed to the pleasing arrangement of their features. And I never gushed, but always stated approvingly and matter-of-factly, "You look so nice and shabbosdik."

Ruchel

Tue, Jan 20 2009, 12:53 pm

it's not true that all children are equally noticed and complimented

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