Why do people post hurtful comments?

ra_mom

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 7:59 pm

When people go out there and post their feelings, they are looking for support and help. Why is it that I see so many negative comments on so many pages? Is this right, is this fair? We as women need to support each other. Why do we feel that we are better than the OP, why do we feel we have a right to judge her? Have our mothers not taught us the concept of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."
And if you happen think that Musser will help (it's all relative), then haven't you ever heard of giving Musser softly and with love?

amother

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 8:14 pm

I totally agree with you. There are so many times that I want to post something but I'm scared of everyones's negative reaction. I want to post because I'm hurt. I don't want to be hurt more.
I know that some people's negative reactions may be right and they do have a point, but why so harsh. Why so insensitive. The same things could be said in a nicer and more caring way. I have seen that done too

Clarissa

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:08 pm

People pose problems, opinions and situations on message boards, and people will respond with honesty. If people want people to stroke them or not be honest with them, there are real life friends who will usually oblige. There are plenty of times that people get support here, when people feel that they can honestly offer it. That's the best part about the internet, and maybe the worst -- people might tell it like it is, and one can argue, agree, learn or dismiss, which can be difficult to do in real life.

Anyway, the internet isn't a safe and warm place all the time, and it shouldn't be. It is safe and warm plenty of the time.

bandcm

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:11 pm

Clarissa wrote:

Basically what she said.
Are you talking about the relaxing thread? If she wanted advice, she got some pretty good advice. I didnt see any mussar, just people telling her what worked for them and what they think might work for her.
We could all say, oh, you poor thing, you are absolutely right, hes a monster, but that wouldnt help the woman much, would it?

mimivan

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:16 pm

presentation is everything...both the way the problem is posed and the way it is answered...

thanks for starting this thread OP...I don't think people really mean to hurt each other's feelings...But sometimes those who are stressed pass on the stress and people answer in a stressed out way...it happens online and in real life...and important to keep in mind that there are real people on both sides...

octopus

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:19 pm

bandcm wrote:

We could all say, oh, you poor thing, you are absolutely right, hes a monster, but that wouldnt help the woman much, would it?

Wrong. Validating one's feelings can do a tremendous amount of good. Getting advice is not necessarily what is sought after. Listen, I am a child of a parent that took classes in CPSE (clincial pastorial something or other) and IPR (inter-personal relationships) and the one BIGGIE in all of the courses was being able to listen and validate. Nothing else was needed. No one is looking for someone else to solve all of their problems. They just want someone (an anonymous someone) to just virtually hold their hand for a bit. Nothing too terrible in that.

octopus

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:25 pm

well, imho, if someone is asking for advice, it's okay to give as long as you first validate op's feelings. But you also have to realize and use your own judgement- many times when ppl post in the shalom bayis section, while they may be asking for advice, they may REALLY be only asking for validation. Or mostly validation tinged with advice. It's different when ppl are asking organization tips. Though when I start complaining about my house, all I really want is commiseration and no organizational tips.

Clarissa

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:26 pm

If somebody says they need to vent, and they don't want opinions or help of any kind, they need to state this, by saying SUPPORT ONLY. Even so, this is a free board, and people may pipe in. Such is the internet. If they post a problem with the expectation of support and wisdom, they'll get support and wisdom, along with some honesty. And you know what? Sometimes not supporting them is the wise thing to do, and is the most supportive thing to do.

I'm sorry, but this board can't restrict all responses to (((((((((hugs))))))))).

ShakleeMom

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:28 pm

What is hurtful to one may not be hurtful for another. It is always possible (dan lkaf zchus) that the poster is not meaning to hurt. In this place – NEVER EVER respond to a hurtful comment. Ignore it and it will die.

octopus

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:33 pm

Well, it's not restricted to all ((((((slaps)))))) in the face either. Some hugs and hand-holding is still okay.

Of course there is a happy medium. I happen to know which thread op was referring to. And I was just amazed at some of the "advice" given on that thread.

Clarissa

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:36 pm

I don't know if slaps would look like ((((((((slaps)))))))) -- too cushy. Maybe [SLAP]. Anyway, I like this [SLAP] idea. Maybe I'll start giving out a few slaps, in addition to telling people to go drink some Whip.

yikes!

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:54 pm

Clarissa wrote:

Oh, and don't forget to tell them to suck on an egg!

cassandra

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 9:59 pm

octopus wrote:

well, I have to agree with you. [SLAP] does look better than ((((slap)))).

I don't even know what Whip is. What

There she goes again-- softening the blow with some preliminary validation.

I personally hate when the validation comes before the criticism. Like when my kid's teacher calls to discuss an issue and they say "First of all, Yanky is blah blah blah, BUT...." I know the purpose of the call and it isn't to tell me that my kid is funny.

octopus

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 10:04 pm

cassandra wrote:

octopus wrote:

well, I have to agree with you. [SLAP] does look better than ((((slap)))).

I don't even know what Whip is. What

ahhh.... well, adding the "but" acts as an eraser and cleans the slate of any positives. That teacher is not really using it right. And really, she should be calling you sometimes with ONLY good things to say.

I personally love validation. I dunno. I remember practicing this in my parents house - family meetings and all, and to tell you the truth, it works for anybody I try it on. But shhhhhh....don't tell them I was using IPR on them.

cassandra

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 10:07 pm

They don't say but, it's just my cut to the chase translation. I like hearing the nice things too, and they do say nice things in other contexts, not just when they have an issue to discuss. It's probably because they do say nice things that when the agenda is otherwise I just want to hear that-- just get to the point. Do they think parents are so fragile that they can't hear anything less than positive about their children?

octopus

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 10:09 pm

they teach that in all the education courses to do that. I know cuz I'm in one right now.I can understand where, you are coming from, though.

(happy the validation was at the end? Wink

)

NativeMom

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 10:32 pm

no one has to say "everything will be alright" and agree with whatever the OP is saying but if you're replying to a cry for help and don't necessarily agree with what the OP is saying there is a nice way to go about it and be honest at the same time.

mimivan

Wed, Jan 21 2009, 10:41 pm

agreed Nativemom..

I thought it was particularly sad that the OP of that thread had been through a lot and people weren't giving her credit for having gotten through some hard times already...