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Why do people post hurtful comments?
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 12:01 am
I wish I knew what thread you were talking about....

I don't think anyone intends to be hurtful or cruel, esp. if OP asks for SUPPORT ONLY or JUST A VENT. However, we can all say honestly that we have been frustrated at some comments. I know I can't stand the really wimpy posts that just whine incessantly & despite everyone's good ideas & advice, OP still whines about why nothing will work. Then I'm ready to slap too!

I think on the whole the women here are very supportive, but sometimes the comments are brusque. Then they come across as curt & callous. Maybe the best thing we can all do before clicking "submit" is re-read our responses (& check for typos too!)
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 12:17 am
I agree with clarissa one hundred and fourty six percent.
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 12:30 am
While I do think that I couldve, and probably shouldve, worded my response a little more politely and thoughtfully, I do think its naive and silly to state that since women come to this site for support, I am obligaed to support em (regardless of what the situation is, if they're right or wrong, etc)

Not always is support a good thing. "You're right, you poor mistreated girl. Your husband is so bad, and besides he's not intimate with u at least twice a week? Omigod your husband is the Devil. What a sinner. You poor thing, your husband doesn't like it that you're super-tense all the time? How disgusting of him. Its good to be tense all the time. You must be so mistreated. You poor dear. Let me validate your pain." How would that help her marriage?

While I shouldve gotten my message across more kindly. I wouldn't change the essence of my message.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 11:22 am
I have said time and time again that it's easy to take an online comment the wrong way. When you don't see a poster's face & hear the inflection in their voice, you can't possibly have the whole picture of what they are trying to convey.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 1:23 pm
Also keep in mind that we come from vastly different geographic regions and cultural backgrounds. What sounds perfectly appropriate to some people may be the height of insult to others.

Several years ago, DH had to switch a call center in our business to the Midwest because too many clients complained about the "attitude" of our East Coast reps. Of course, the East Coasters thought they were being perfectly nice, but folks in the South and Southwest didn't see it that way!

Ultimately, the only solution is to label threads "support only" or "vent", as bubby suggested. On top of that, a forum probably isn't the best place to address things that are still too raw. There are certain types of threads that I simply avoid like the plague, knowing that they hit too close to home for some reason. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge that you're not yet in a place where you can learn from even the most constructive criticism.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 2:09 pm
I personally feel that a lot of ppl lack common sense and just like irl many people say dumb, stupid, hurtful things, they do it here as well. And they will never "get it" no matter how much you try explaining. So either you get it or you don't.

Not a criticism. Just an observation.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2009, 2:18 pm
Thanks everyone for your honest replies.
Personally, I think that if there is a post in "Married Life - Shalom Bayis Issues and Dilemma's" and then a heading such as "Am I the only one going through this" (and no, this was NOT the only post I was refereing to. This is something I have seen on similar threads in the few months since I've joined imamother. This was just the straw on the camel's back.) people should realize right away that the OP is crying out for help. Respond accordingly. If you don't like to hear people's marital sob stories, don't read posts from such sections.
And most importantly, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it.
OPs looking for sympathy don't write "post your opinions please, let me know if I am wrong". They usually write "I need advise. Help me." Advise does not mean bashing. Bashing is not helping. Like many posters wrote, it means validating and gently steering the person the right direction.
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shlomitsmum




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2009, 7:25 pm
The ones that post hurtful comments are simply cows and can choke on grass as far as I'm concerned!!! LOL,
they cannot be controlled.... so all WE can do is continue to be kind, polite and supportive.
we cannot control them so is us who must continue to have derech Eretz and make sure WE don't act that way! Wink
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2009, 8:04 pm
So I am hearing that either we
1) tell some posters to be more gentle with their mussar
or
2) tell posters to have thicker skins.

I think both are in order, but I am more in favor of option #1. People come to this site who may be lonely and have no where else to turn. And yes, many suggest writing "Vent only" or "Support only" but what if a woman has been here only one day and is eager to talk about a problem and has no idea?

Okay, "Poster beware" but do we really have to come off sounding like Dr. Laura (I've seen this "no nonsense, give-the-martyrs-verbal-shock-treatment approach and I don't think it is helping anyone. Although I think it is needed, I personally think it should be used only in real life, with very close friends, or better yet, just with rousing oneself out of a funk. Now remind me of that one the next time I tell my kids to "quit whining! Wink )

I don't think anyone knows anyone else here well enough, if they don't know them IRL to do mussar. As the Rebbe wrote, One should pare their nails before criticizing someone else...

People like Dr. Laura might be popular on the radio...but I don't think her "No wimps please" approach is very attractive here...and rachmonis is a very Jewish concept..
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2009, 8:04 pm
amother wrote:
So I am hearing that either we
1) tell some posters to be more gentle with their mussar
or
2) tell posters to have thicker skins.

I think both are in order, but I am more in favor of option #1. People come to this site who may be lonely and have no where else to turn. And yes, many suggest writing "Vent only" or "Support only" but what if a woman has been here only one day and is eager to talk about a problem and has no idea about this "rule"?

Okay, "Poster beware" but do we really have to come off sounding like Dr. Laura (I've seen this "no nonsense, give-the-martyrs-verbal-shock-treatment approach and I don't think it is helping anyone. Although I think it is needed, I personally think it should be used only in real life, with very close friends, or better yet, just with rousing oneself out of a funk. Now remind me of that one the next time I tell my kids to "quit whining! Wink )

I don't think anyone knows anyone else here well enough, if they don't know them IRL to do mussar. As the Rebbe wrote, One should pare their nails before criticizing someone else...

People like Dr. Laura might be popular on the radio...but I don't think her "No wimps please" approach is very attractive here...and rachmonis is a very Jewish concept..
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2009, 8:06 pm
No one give me "mussar" for this okay LOL
I messed up the last posts..I was going to post something anonymously, changed my mind, posted it under my username, but ended up with the mess you see above.

so no one pm me warning me that I "outed" myself...purely technical error.. Wink
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NativeMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 29 2009, 8:13 pm
mimivan wrote:
amother wrote:
So I am hearing that either we
1) tell some posters to be more gentle with their mussar
or
2) tell posters to have thicker skins.

I think both are in order, but I am more in favor of option #1. People come to this site who may be lonely and have no where else to turn. And yes, many suggest writing "Vent only" or "Support only" but what if a woman has been here only one day and is eager to talk about a problem and has no idea about this "rule"?

Okay, "Poster beware" but do we really have to come off sounding like Dr. Laura (I've seen this "no nonsense, give-the-martyrs-verbal-shock-treatment approach and I don't think it is helping anyone. Although I think it is needed, I personally think it should be used only in real life, with very close friends, or better yet, just with rousing oneself out of a funk. Now remind me of that one the next time I tell my kids to "quit whining! Wink )

I don't think anyone knows anyone else here well enough, if they don't know them IRL to do mussar. As the Rebbe wrote, One should pare their nails before criticizing someone else...

People like Dr. Laura might be popular on the radio...but I don't think her "No wimps please" approach is very attractive here...and rachmonis is a very Jewish concept..

nicely said mimivan
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