Using Gifts to Pay for the Simcha

rydys

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 11:59 am

why not make the seuda on shabbos? Instead of catering 2 shabbos meals and then a seuda, make shabbos lunch the seuda. You can even have fewer people sit down that way--make a fancy kiddush and have the seuda only for family and his friends. I've been to bar mitzva's like that and they are really nice

amother

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 12:44 pm

I'm speaking from personal experience here, and since it's personal, I want to be anonymous.

It's long, hope you read it all!

We spent $2300 on:

the food, hall, to print something up for the guests, transportation to bring the class to and from the hall

we did not have printed invitations, we used the phone

we had no music

we had no photographer

we had no bentchers

we had no flowers or centerpieces

The bar mitzva boy got a new shirt, that's all.

I bought shoes on sale. Otherwise, nobody else purchased or borrowed any new clothing

Everything was paper and plastic

We had one bar mitzva seuda for relatives, friends, and the bar mitzva boy's classmates - total: 81 people plus the class (about 25 boys)

There were dozens more people we could have invited, but didn't, as they were not close enough to us for us to want to spend money feeding them, and there were people who lived far away who could not attend

The meal (the food was excellent) consisted of challa rolls, fruit cup, appetizer of a potato boureka with mushroom sauce, quarter of a chicken, roasted potatoes, Chinese vegetables, salads: babaganoush, potato salad, cole slaw, pickles, ice cream (which failed to materialize ...)

After the bar mitzva, we packed up the remaining food and took it home. It went into the freezer and we enjoyed it.

The seuda took place on his bar mitzva, a weekday night.

My son made a siyum.

we did nothing on Shabbos

We hosted no sleepover guests.

I would have loved to do it at home because I very much wanted an intimate affair, and I gave it a lot of thought, but didn't think I had the space

My son got $2190 in cash ($1000 of it was from my grandmother), not counting the money he was given specifically to buy sefarim.

He also received his tefillin as a gift, as a well as a kiddush cup, two bookcases, a fancy esrog box, a fancy pushka, tapes on the Yomim Noraim, and many sefarim.

The money is in his bank account and so far he has used some of it to buy more sefarim.

We would not allow him to buy items that are unacceptable to us such as a computer, video or computer games, or a Palm Pilot.

Maaser was taken.

I was raised with the idea that the less money wasted on simchas, the better

The difference between my parents and myself is that my parents could afford it, but did it cheaply, whereas we couldn't afford more

Nevertheless, I fully agree with my mother when she says: Those who make lavish bar mitzvas - do you ever hear of those kids ever again? Do they become the next gedolim? Have any of our gedolim had lavish bar mitzva celebrations? In short, I believe (says my mother) that the less spent on the bar mitzva, the more likely it is that the boy will turn out special, and vice versa ...

if I had more money to spend at that time, I may have had music and I definitely would have had a professional photographer (rather than having relatives take pictures and a video)

We would have probably sponsored a kiddush in shul that week too, not for friends and relatives but for the regular shul-goers.

How much more money would that have been, another $1500 or so

Oh, as for my brother - his bar mitzva was on Shushan Purim.

My parents made a breakfast seuda.

Although they could afford far more, they:

had no photographer (I took the handful of pictures)

had no music

had no printed invitation

no centerpieces

no bentchers

either

it's a different mentality

I read an article in a frum magazine about food decorating. The article said that the party planner being written about's son is only nine years old, but he's already asking his mother to start planning his bar mitzva. The piece concluded, "Now that's going to be some party. No doubt there will be ice sculptures, exquisite floral arrangements, and a very special theme. And lots and lots of beautiful fruit."

My son's comment: Theme? How about kabbolas ol mitzvos? Rolling Eyes

It doesn't sound like the party planner's son is planning on making a Siyum Mishnayos or the Siyum of a mesechta, does it?

What did my son think of his bar mitzva celebration? He was somewhat uncomfortable not to have an affair quite like his classmates had, but I think he appreciates our values as in his comment about a bar mitzva "theme".

1stimer

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 1:33 pm

unfortunately with the lavish affairs that some people are making, a bar mitzva becomes the first opportunity for the boy to do an aveira as a gadol.

BasHashem

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 1:44 pm

I am making another bar mitzvah at the end of the summer, and I really apprecaite reading this.

I have thought about making a kiddush, but (and I am sure I will get some comments on this remark but who care) I am worried my son will loose out on gifts if it son shabbos (we do not keep the money)

now for my first sons bar mitzvah, I commneted, that we had to beg borrow and steal, and it was very very plane. I made center peieces made it cost me 100 bucks, we hired a young boy to play music, and my hubby was working for a caterer at the time so he paid cost, but we had all the other expenses. I was 6 months pregant, and I and dh of corse, ran around like crazy heads shleping soda and chairs around town. we paid around 50 bucks for invitations and we hand delivered them, no return cards not stamps.
we did make as small kiddush in shul, it was joined with another simcha so it only cost us 25 dollars.

bashashem,

I felt think the bar mitzvah was nice, the atmosphere was very nice, bh freinds and famil make it a celebration.

its a tuff call what to do for this upcoming, I know that I dont want to have to shlep a fork or napkin the day of the bar mitzvah,

Tefila

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 2:22 pm

We cannot a) make it in a Chabad Hse which one holds 4-450 people B) The hall which has a kosher kitchen on premises won't let you bring outside food in c) Invites and centrepeices I make myself d) Photography a friend does for free e) Music is cut but still have to pay.

THE REAL EXPENSE IS THE FOOD. We do it Buffet style, to cut the labour costs. And we don't serve anything fancy chicken dish, Rice/potatoe dish, 6-7 salads not fancy done eigther deserts and cakes!

How much simpler can we get? If we were not in the position that we are in I agree why invites and the whole big deal since the Mitzvah should be the focus and not the Bar. But besides showing hakoras hatov to our community for everything, we also use it to be a kiruv event!!!!
And as Shayna said we give a portion of money to the boy and a portion to help cover the costs. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? Confused

We pay his yeshiva expenses, spending money. Camp fee's spending money plus the other nessesitys.

shayna

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 3:29 pm

freilich wrote:

We pay his yeshiva expenses, spending money. Camp fee's spending money plus the other nessesitys.

I agree 100% with you! And the meal on shabbos which is catered you can't tell people in your community not to come and as for the person who said starting a barmitzva with an aveira, do you hear what your actually saying my son is learning hachnasis orchim by having lots of people in our house, and welcoming everyone in the community whether he know them or not and I have necver discussed a price with him regarding the bar mitzvah, in fact compared to some of his friends who have given out gift packs and big bentchers his is pretty simple.

BasHashem

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 4:36 pm

I need to know what 1stimer ment

Quote:

unfortunately with the lavish affairs that some people are making, a bar mitzva becomes the first opportunity for the boy to do an aveira as a gadol.

if it means we are causing our childern to do avarois b/c we choose to make the lavish or expesive or even more than a kiddish barmitzvah, then ur idea are twisted.
I mut tell you all that I am good freinds with shayna (in the flesh) and she is so down to earth not show offy at all.

Bashashem

shayna

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 4:43 pm

Thank you

BasHashem

Thu, Feb 17 2005, 4:52 pm

pleasure

gryp

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 10:08 am

personally, I dont think it is nice to just have a brunch or kiddush for a bar mitzvah. but people have different tastes and different styles.
there are ways to save money even when catering a nice dinner.
I dont like the thought of no benchers because people do have to bench there.
who wants the family members to eat seperately, if lets say, theyre coming in from out of town and you never see them?

especially, Shayna- I read in the other thread that you have a nes with your bar mitzvah boy, so it can also be a seudas hodaah! Mazel Tov to you.

Motek

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 11:16 am

hey anybody want to make a bar mitzva in a hangar? Read this:

http://www.israelnationalnews......77085

shayna

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 12:49 pm

As for my sons arthritis, which they say is in "remission" last year he could not get out of bed on many mornings, sometimes he could not butto his shirt.

I went to a mekubel who told me he will be better by the time of his bar mitzvah.

P.S. He has been off all medication since Sept. and the dr. is flabergasted never saw such an extreme from not bending his arms to bending them as straight as I can.

As far as I am concerned my son deserves the biggest party I can give him, he never complained once, and I had to give him a needle once a week, and blood work once a month and always with a smile.

I am only giving this info over for everyone to understand rg comment regarding the ness

zuncompany

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 1:00 pm

shayna... interesting thing I learned last night. I right out asked my mom how much my bas mitzvah cost- funny- it cost them more than my wedding! I also asked if they used some of the money I recieved to pay for it. She said about 1/3... I never even realized it! The rest went to me going to Israel on a trip for a semester abroad in HS. I didn't even know that. I didn't know I got so much money. I did know I had savings bonds that were given to me (actually the reason why this whole conversation came up cause we want to cash them for the house.). My mom said they felt that the savings bonds were plenty so that was saved for me for when I was older (and was easy to do cause you couldn't cash them anyway than!) and could do what I wanted with them. The rest was used for my Jewish education and to pay for the extras I wanted at the bas mitzvah (like a DJ and bentchers).

sara

shayna

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 1:17 pm

after speaking to different friends apparently you can sometimes cut more corners with chasunas

go figure

zuncompany

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 1:36 pm

exactly what my mom said!

sara

gryp

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 2:00 pm

Quote:

for everyone to understand rg comment regarding the ness

wow, shayna, and I didnt even realize how big the ness is! I am so happy your son is better, bh.

shayna

Fri, Feb 18 2005, 2:07 pm

than you, we are all very happy, he really suffered with it and I hope it never comes back! The doctor herself said there is someone above, never did I expect that from a non jewish dr.

Motek

Tue, Mar 08 2005, 7:19 pm

Quote:

As for my sons arthritis, which they say is in "remission"

that is wonderful, happy to hear it!

Quote:

I went to a mekubel who told me he will be better by the time of his bar mitzvah.

can you say who the mekubal is?

Quote:

When a 12 or 13-year-old kid needs an entire banquet room at the Beverly Hills Hotel, a band and a catered affair to get in touch with the newfound responsibilities for God's mitzvot, it's time to reexamine our motives. Some leading rabbis have set guidelines limiting such extravagances. Are we following these guidelines? Or are we too afraid of "not keeping up with the Jonahs"?

from this article:

http://www.aish.com/spirituali.....r.asp

supermom

Mon, Apr 25 2005, 5:44 am

whoa that article is so true I can't believe it! Growing up poor in his eyes wasn't actually growing up poor but he really grew up as rich as anything. A person that can defintly be happy with little is praised higher in this world than a person that is never happy with what they have and always wants more.

Motek

Tue, Apr 26 2005, 11:13 am

supermom wrote:

A person that can defintly be happy with little ..

and isn't it our job, as parents, to instill this in our children?