I don't have any children of my own...

ShakleeMom

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 7:51 pm

Okay, this was hurled at me today... and all I said was, Oh.

Then later I was wondering, what is appropriate when you feel heart wrenching pity yet you know they wouldn't appreciate... and your kids are running around like maniacs in a store and the sales lady tells you, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh they're so cute..... I don't have any children of my own!

oh?

Lovemylife

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:08 pm

I would come back with joke like "at times like these you can enjoy the quiet" Or I downplay their cuteness and say something like, "yeah, I'm exhausted, it's hard running after them"

cookielady

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:14 pm

Lovemylife wrote:

I would come back with joke like "at times like these you can enjoy the quiet" Or I downplay their cuteness and say something like, "yeah, I'm exhausted, it's hard running after them"

I think that is highly offensive to say "at times like these you can enjoy the quiet." If she wants children and is not able to have them, that would be very insensitive. Since you don't know "why she doesn't have children" saying that is just wrong.

amother

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:16 pm

from someone who doesn't have children
your comment was fine. you were probably more uncomfortable than her , she just stated a fact that she knows. wasn't a call for pity or other remarks (which wouldn't change the fact). not having your own children doesn't take away the ability to enjoy children.

ShakleeMom

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:18 pm

I said oh... because it comes from my parenting book, to make a 'sympathetic noise' when kids tell you a story from school.

Ma, today, after lunch we went to the backyard.

oh

our class was able to play with the ball for a treat because it was rosh chodesh

ahmmm!

this gets kids to talk more. they see you aren't judging.

anon

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:37 pm

Lovemylife wrote:

I would come back with joke like "at times like these you can enjoy the quiet" Or I downplay their cuteness and say something like, "yeah, I'm exhausted, it's hard running after them"

I know you mean well by this comment, but actually ppl going through infertility hate when ppl say things like this. It makes them feel you don't truly appreciate what you have. They would give anything to be kept up at night, feel exhausted from running after children, and they come to despise the quiet.

A rule of thumb when talking to someone without children (who wants to have children): Never complain about your children in front of them.

Mama Bear

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:48 pm

"OH" was okay. next time if you want to be slightly more verbose, "I'm so sorry to hear" or "taht must really be difficult" is okay too.

of course if someone says that to me, I go into a long speech about how my kids are miracles bla bla Smile

shmoozer

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 9:06 pm

I would probably just smile. If she can say that comment then she's probably comfortable saying that and I would be the uncomfortable one in the situation. sometimes words are not necessary.

devorahrivka

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 10:56 pm

I think a simple "thank you" (to the fact that they are cute) would do...I'd ignore the part about her not having any...you don't know what the reason is and if she doesn't offer then just leave it alone...but a thank you would be polite...

RightOnTarget

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 11:00 pm

devorahrivka wrote:

I second that

greenfire

Wed, Feb 04 2009, 11:02 pm

la456 wrote:

GF isnt that a very personal question?

of course it is - but sounds like she is looking for empathy about her plight ... and the only way to give it is to discuss her statement "I don't have any children of my own" ... so I would ask "why" ...

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 1:54 am

Lovemylife wrote:

I would come back with joke like "at times like these you can enjoy the quiet" Or I downplay their cuteness and say something like, "yeah, I'm exhausted, it's hard running after them"

not things that a person who wants children but does not have them will want to hear.

I remember before we conceived, we were at the zoo with some of my husbands friends. one of them got married and in very quick succession had two children in two years and they (husband and wife) were always very harried. to the point that the husband said to us something like "oh you are so lucky that you dont have all of thos rucus in your life and that you can sleep late" boy did I want to punch his lights out:)

so, shaklee, I think what you said was just right b/c truely there is no right thing to say to that at all.

Raizle

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 3:33 am

ShakleeMom wrote:

isn't that brutal ?

yes

sorry lovemylife but it is. People going through infertility don't want to hear you kvetch about the children you have or make derogatory comments about them or try to make them feel like they are "lucky" they don't have any.

Teacup9

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 4:28 am

What parenting book Shakleesmom? Your comment about it made me laugh.

I think you said the right thing. The only other thing to say is "thank you, enjoy your day" which someone mentioned. She didn't tell you whether no children was by choice or by situation and it is rude to ask so how could you possibly come up with an appropriate reaction?

Inspired

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 6:00 am

ShakleeMom wrote:

isn't that brutal ?

Yes, that is terrible.I think your response was the only appropriate one.
I would think she was just explaining why sh doesn't mind the noise and as a reminder to you of how precious they are even when they drivw you bonkers.

su7kids

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 10:25 am

Mama Bear wrote:

Not everyone is childless due to infertility. Some actually choose to be that way -- especially in the non frum world, and I think if someone was dealing with infertility, they wouldn't necessarily be so flippant about "I don't have any children", you would be able to see from their facial expressions that there was some pain involved.

For someone who doesn't have children by CHOICE, they could be offended by "I'm sorry to hear that!"

Just a thought.