Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Asking about new baby



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 8:53 am
Thanks to imamother I am a lot more aware of and sensitive to tragic things that may happen to someone. Therefore, when I know someone is expecting, and the next time I speak to them is much past when they would have given birth, I never know if I should say mazal tov on the new baby in the off-chance that ch'v something tragic happened and the baby didnt make it. If during the conversation they don't mention the baby, is it better manners to say mazal tov, or avoid saying that in case ch'v something happened?
Back to top

OldYoung




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 9:02 am
Well here's another angle- my kids are 14 months apart. Someone saw me when I was almost due with my first, and then again a year later. Not knowing I was in my 7th month, she asked me how my baby was (older one). I was so confused because in my mind the 'baby' wasn't born yet...
Back to top

smiley:)




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 9:10 am
Seraph wrote:
Thanks to imamother I am a lot more aware of and sensitive to tragic things that may happen to someone. Therefore, when I know someone is expecting, and the next time I speak to them is much past when they would have given birth, I never know if I should say mazal tov on the new baby in the off-chance that ch'v something tragic happened and the baby didnt make it. If during the conversation they don't mention the baby, is it better manners to say mazal tov, or avoid saying that in case ch'v something happened?


Well it's a bit of a different situation... and most people probably wouldn't agree with me but my policy is not to ask for the one case that it could help someone. I saw someone on a bus here a few years back who I knew, and she told me she was engaged. A few months later I saw her again and didn't ask or say anything. In the course of the conversation she told me they broke the engagement. For that one time I saved myself.....
And if the person has had the baby and you find out, you can tell them you are sorry you didn't say anything but you prefer to not hurt anyone's feelings... you never know, etc.
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 9:17 am
I don't say mazal tov unless someone informs me of the simcha (whether it's a birth, engagement, wedding, etc), just in case. (and sometimes its turned out that the engagement broke off, or the wedding ended in a quick divorce, etc, unfortunately).

But I would definitely say something -- if a friend did experience a loss cv"s I wouldn't want her to think that I didn't even notice.

So I'd say something like, "Wow, it's been a while. Last time we talked you were six months pregnant." (or "dating XXX," or "about to get married," or whatever). That gives them an opening to say, "yes, BH I had a healthy baby boy 2 months ago" or the like, or if there was a loss to say so.
Back to top

Akeres Habayis




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 9:18 am
when in doubt...DONT say
believe me if they had a baby they would bring it up.
I have a friend that she looked like she was going to pop any moment,but when I spoke to her recently she didnt mention it,so neither than I.
Back to top

MiamiMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 12:31 pm
I say things like "Hey, how's everything" or "What's new?"

That kind of thing let's the person update you. Then you don't have to guess!
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 12:36 pm
how can you say mazel tov if you don't know a baby was born ... What
Back to top

Mishie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 1:05 pm
I agree with those who said to say NOTHING, just in case c"v.

I met a friend at a store shopping (alone) one Friday, I saw a few weeks before and she was in her 9th month. I must say, I was so nervous when I saw her standing there without a baby. but I decided to shut up, in case something happened c"v. Luckily she came over and told me that she has a new baby girl. I was so happy and relieved.


OTOH, I had the opposite experience happen to me, I had to tell someone way earlier than I usually tell people, that I was expecting, she met me a couple of months later, and in-front of my kids she yells out: Where's the baby? and I was like what? and she goes: yeah, the baby which was in your belly.....
I didn't know what to say, because that pregnancy ended in a m/c. and I deff. did not want my kids to know about it!!

so, better be on the safe side, and not say things, until the person themselves decides to share their news with you!!!
Back to top

amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 2:03 pm
I have a friend that we dont see eachother very often. I knew that she had been pregnant and didnt see her for a while after that. I said to her months later-- mazel tov and she was like, im sorry to tell you, blah blah (you konw what I mean)

from now on, big rule -- dont say.
Back to top

Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 2:26 pm
btw I meant someone who I last saw at 8 or 9 mos pregnant. Not someone who was 3 or 4 months....
Back to top

Bambamama




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 15 2009, 3:28 pm
I wouldn't assume you should say mazel tov. Even if she was 9 months when you last saw her.... Imagine chas v'shalom giving a hearty "mazel tov!!!" only to find out that there was a stillbirth chas v'shalom... It's rare, yes, but sadly it does happen. And if all went as hoped for and there is a baby, you wouldn't want to have offered up a weak half-hearted, hesitant "mazel tov"... I would just ask what is new and how the kids are if there are other kids... It's likely to come up and then you can give a genuine heartfelt mazel tov.
Back to top

louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 16 2009, 9:30 am
Akeres Habayis wrote:
when in doubt...DONT say
believe me if they had a baby they would bring it up.


Exactly.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 16 2009, 11:50 am
Seraph wrote:
btw I meant someone who I last saw at 8 or 9 mos pregnant. Not someone who was 3 or 4 months....


do you NOT realize that people lose their babies even that late into a pregnancy ... even during birth ... where is your tact ...
Back to top

Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 16 2009, 12:06 pm
My tact? I think I was asking something in my first post, specifically bec I realize it may be problematic to do so. The reason I clarified what I was talking about was because if I last saw someone 3 or 4 mos pregnant I DEFINITELY would say nothing, because losing a baby ch'v is much more frequent then. But if I last saw someone 9 mos preg, perhaps it would be rude to not wish mazal tov 3+ months down the line.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 16 2009, 12:11 pm
Seraph wrote:
My tact? I think I was asking something in my first post, specifically bec I realize it may be problematic to do so. The reason I clarified what I was talking about was because if I last saw someone 3 or 4 mos pregnant I DEFINITELY would say nothing, because losing a baby ch'v is much more frequent then. But if I last saw someone 9 mos preg, perhaps it would be rude to not wish mazal tov 3+ months down the line.


you just proved the point ... don't ASSUME !!!
Back to top

louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 16 2009, 12:57 pm
Seraph wrote:
But if I last saw someone 9 mos preg, perhaps it would be rude to not wish mazal tov 3+ months down the line.


No, it would not. It would be rude only if she told you, "BTW I had a baby X weeks ago" and you didn't wish her a mazal tov. As a previous poster already observed, a new mother would have volunteered the information.

yes, people lose their babies R"L in the 9th month, or have stillbirths, or lose a baby within hours of birth. Never assume.
Back to top

GAMZu




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 16 2009, 1:09 pm
I don't mention it, because of the reasons posted above, and also because I really don't have an eye for detecting pregnancy. So if I see someone and I it seems that she's pregnant, I can never be sure. And I definitely don't want to insult anyone by assuming she is pregnant when she isn't! Surprised

It actually happened with my last baby- during my pregnancy, two neighbors offered to help me after the baby. I told them I'll call them if I need. When my baby was born, I received a call from one of the neighbors. I didn't call either of them because I didn't need their help then. But since most of the people on my block new about the birth, I assumed that everyone did.
One day I was standing outside waiting for my son's bus, and this neighbor passed by. We shmoozed a bit and she asked me, "What's new?" I had no idea that she didn't know that I had a baby!
I should've figured, since she didn't give me a mazal tov, but I didn't.
She tentatively asked, "Do you get a mazal tov?"
I felt bad that I unintentionally put her in an awkward spot.
Back to top

Jstar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 24 2009, 10:34 pm
I definitely agree with the general consensus so far - MUCH better to be safe than sorry in this situation and hold off on a mazal tov until you know that one is appropriate.

Last edited by Jstar on Wed, Apr 14 2010, 11:48 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

Blair




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 25 2009, 1:07 am
Be tactful is the best answer if not sure don't ask. I have a friend that looks really pregnant for months after the baby and people are always saying very mean things to her.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Baby girl shabbos stretchies/footies
by ThisMom
4 Today at 8:13 am View last post
How to avoid vaccinating my baby until school
by amother
215 Today at 8:01 am View last post
Baby girl names with Hashem's name in it
by amother
20 Today at 7:45 am View last post
[ Poll ] How much do you usually spend on a baby gift?
by amother
15 Yesterday at 8:05 pm View last post
by ynms
Chin to chest in baby tub
by amother
4 Yesterday at 4:28 pm View last post