Perception is reality! like it or not!

louche

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 11:11 am

I'm not sure what you mean by a stumbling block or what you're really getting at--I have a sense that you have a specific issue or event in mind that you're not telling us about--but I'll try to answer based on your question as I understand it.

Perception is indeed very important. When you work for an org. that is publicly funded, for example, you have to be concerned that you not give the appearance of favoring any group, or of wasting public money. So if, for example, your group is laying people off, but recently received a bequest specifically to buy artwork to decorate your offices, right now would not be an appropriate time to buy this artwork b/c it will create a really bad impression. Your org's actions are perfectly ok--the person who gave the $ told you you have to use it to buy art--but when you're laying people off, you should be showing signs of cutting other expenses to the bone, not splurging on art.

Similarly, if you are ostensibly a frum person, you would be wise to stay away from the appearance of wrongdoing. Therefore you wouldn't wear a lace blouse with a skintone lining that gives the impression of lace over bare skin, or duck into a gambling casino to use the powder room (unless of course it was a dire emergency, the casino was the only facility for miles around, the terrain consisted entirely of flat, open, barren land interrupted only by scrub a few inches high, and visibility was clear to the horizon.)

On the flip side, it's also your duty to realize that perception is NOT reality, and if you observe something that looks really bad to you, don't assume that "I know what I saw and I saw Mrs. X. passionately embracing a man who isn't her husband." She could have a brother who's been living in Rangoon for the past 20 years and has just moved back to your town. That young lady who was talking in an undertone nonstop throughout the entire davening and the rabbi's drasha may have been translating for a new immigrant or for someone who is hearing impaired.

For many, many stories like this, there's a great book "The Other Side of the Story".

Fox

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 11:54 am

I couldn't have said it better, louche! Thumbs Up

I think that a significant challenge we're facing as the frum world grows, k"ah, and becomes stronger is rationalizing that our judgments are made l'sheym Shemayim when, in fact, they're not.

Let me give you an example: I recently intervened in a situation in which a girl was denied admission to a high school because all of her elementary school teachers characterized her as "informed" or "worldly". The high school admissions committee rejected her because they interpreted those descriptions as meaning "exposed to TV, news magazines, secular music, etc." When the parents pushed a bit, the dean admitted that no one had actually suggested that the girl was exposed to secular media. He went back for clarification and was shocked to hear that the teachers had intended their adjectives as recommendations: they were emphasizing how curious the girl is, how interested she is in learning about the world around her, and how she asks questions and probes for details. They gave an example of how she spoke at length with her grandfather to learn more about the Korean War, and then shared the information as part of a history unit on the subject.

Now, I'm sure the dean felt that he was acting in the best interests of the school; indeed, he does have a responsibility to the parents to make sure that the families he admits will support the school's hashkafa. But he made a series of erroneous judgments and assumptions that were quite damaging. More disturbing, he didn't see anything wrong with his assumptions. Although the decision was eventually reversed, the dean saw it only as a case of the parents making a tumult, not of poor initial fact-checking on the part of the admissions committee.

Obviously, we see this problem in shidduchim, as well. The line between the responsibility of a Jew to avoid maris ayin and the responsibility of a Jew to judge others favorably is very fine and fluid, and it's easy to convince yourself that you're judging someone legitimately when, in fact, your motive is more related to your own status or kovod.

Unfortunately, there are very, very few role models in our times for judging others favorably. More damaging than TV, the Internet, and a generally amoral society combined, IMHO, is what I would describe as "People Magazine Culture" -- an insatiable need to "stand out", "rise above the crowd", or "be recognized". Many of our leaders and educators have succumbed to this mentality without realizing it, and it fuels a terrible cycle of judging others that has no place in Jewish life.

Imaonwheels

Fri, Mar 20 2009, 2:28 am

I believe knowing the history and cause helps to solve the problem.

I think I am on the old side of the Imamother age scale and have watched this change as a process. Not that there hasn't always been some without derech eretz, chutzpahdik and less than spiritual minded. In the 60s the non Jewish culture basically called the entire concept of authority into question and the younger generation judged their elders, without knowledge or experience. We had buttons that read "Don't trust anyone over 30".

The US frum culture does not realize just how much of the non Jewish outlook it has absorbed. Distrust of rabbinic authority is partially based on the fact that the Beis Medrash has been slower to adopt the non Jewish views causing discomfort to a secularly educated rank and file. Desensitized to physical contact we see a movie where there is holding hands or kissing as not totally possul. On Imamother itself someone recommended a movie that began with at least 10 minutes full frontal male nudity. Over preoccupation with gender and race, fear of not being PC, trying to put the role of rav into some type of democratic box. Concepts like sin, enemy, chosen, revenge and pride have a dirty forbidden feel to them. As do humility, tznius, respect. I was taught (in a frei home) that you never call an adult by their first name, never interrupt them or raise your voice. 'Cause was not an acceptable answer and you told your parents when you were coming and going. My parents would never call the school for punishing us and we would have round 2 waiting at home if we did get punished.

By convention, not law, tv shows with swearing, PDAs and violence had to be after 8 and preferrably after 10. d!ck Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore playing a husband and wife had 2 beds, full length pajamas and he gave her a peck on the cheek and good night. Today I am occasionally asked to vet movies (all the kids go oof when I am in charge). The most common reasons I reject the movies are for portraying California brats being raised by their single Mom who dress like streetwalkers or gang members, are IV'd into MTV and in general are bad influence. This is the stereotypical American kid being portrayed. I find this even more damaging than some of the things we are supposed to watch for - graphic violence, drug and alcohol use or explicite physicality. (fun trying to avoid the IM censor, no?).

The danger in this kind of article is that it encourages the either/or approach. Many will say we have to stop worrying about exact mitzvah observance and learning Torah to concentratew on derech eretz. But without getting the message across that being a mentch is as much halacha as hilchos Shabbos or TM it will not fly today. The Torah is an organic whole and bein adam l'chavero and bein adam l'Makom our 2 haves of a living thing and the one who would cut it in half is never the true mother.

This happens with the home/work question or home/chesed. Many women are encouraged to be ignorant by making a nonexistent conflict between being Jewishly knowledgeable and maintaining a well kept home and educating the children. A dichotomy they would never suggest for a frum computer programmer or nurse.

R' Zalman Posner chronicles briefly the transmission of Jewish tradition to the first generations (I would have been the 3rd generation in America had I stayed). The 1st generation chose to keep the ethics they were taught in beis Abba in the old country and reject the purely religious/ritual but they remembered the source. The second generation felt that doing tzedaka and mishpat, with secular definitions was a Jewish thing to do but they no longer remembered the source. The 3rd generation said why be Jewish, non jews also are ethical. The 4th generation says why be ethical. I would add that part of the 3rd and 4th generation became BT. But they brought all that baggage with them, all of the isms. And they so want Judaism to be palatable to their liberal friends and family. Derech eretz and "Tell it like it is" are contradictory.

That is not the whole story, psychological methods of childraising that make the child the center of the universe and the commercial cult surrounding pregnancy, birthing and early childhood have done their share as well. One cannot solve the authority crisis and continue to unknowingly shlepp all of this baggage.