how to send condolences to a nonJew

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:33 pm

I have some non jewish neighbors on my block that I'm friendly with and I know that one of those neighbors, her husband is not well. They're an old couple and I don't know exactly what happened but quite a few weeks ago he was taken by ambulance to the hospital and was in a nursing home until last week. He's been home but I hear from his wife and from the other neighbors who visit him that he's not well. He's on oxygen and they don't know what's going to be with him. My question is, if and when he dies, what are the rules for sending over flowers and condolence wishes. What exactly do I say or write on a card. When do I send it? I'd like to be prepared so that when one of those other neighbors will tell me that he's passed away I'll know how to respond.

Last edited by yersp on Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:27 pm; edited 3 times in total

Fabulous

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:42 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think , they would be too happy to know that you're planning for his death! Confused

If you want to be sarcastic and make such a comment, you can but at least be brave enough to do it as yourself instead of hiding behind amother.

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:46 pm

Fabulous wrote:

amother wrote:

I don't think , they would be too happy to know that you're planning for his death! Confused

If you want to be sarcastic and make such a comment, you can but at least be brave enough to do it as yourself instead of hiding behind amother.

Thanks Fabulous!!

And amother, if you can't say something with your screen name DONT SAY IT AT ALL. Would you rather I make a chillul Hashem and say something stupid or not say anything at all?? Rolling Eyes

Some people are just really ------

orchidmom

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:48 pm

Where I come from you send flowers for the day of the funeral to the house, in whites including lillies preferably. On the card you can write something like, with sympathy from family x, he will be missed.

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:49 pm

orchidmom wrote:

Thanks orchidmom!!!
Now amother, would it have so hard for you to have written something like that?? Gosh, I can't stand people like amother.

DefyGravity

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:55 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think , they would be too happy to know that you're planning for his death! Confused

That was kind of the first thing that came to my mind when I read the opening post. Why the heck are you PLANNING for this poor guy's death? I'd more expect a type of post asking "Am I allowed to pray for a non-Jew." If a Jewish neighbor was extremely sick, would you be trying to figure out what to do when they die, or would you say tehillim for them?

It would be nice to visit him (while he's alive) or send a get well card, or see if you can make a meal for his wife so she doesn't have to worry about cooking and can spend her time at the hospital.

I do happen to think that the title of this thread is sick.

Last edited by DefyGravity on Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:59 pm; edited 2 times in total

louche

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:56 pm

choose a pareve-looking "in sympathy" card, or use a blank card with a pareve pic on it like a vase of flowers or a landscape. Inside write something like "I was sorry to hear of the recent loss of your beloved husband Aloysius. He was such a friendly person, and his cheerful "good morning" always made me smile. The neighborhood won't be the same without him. May your loving memories of your life together comfort you in your sorrow."

IOW, pretty much the same thing you'd write to a jewish person, without the religious references.

You can send the card as soon as you've been informed of the death. there is no issue of aninut outside of Judaism.

If you meet the widow on the street, just say "I was so sorry to hear of your loss" with or without adding "he was one of my favorite people" or similar complimentary statement.

I would check with a rav before sending flowers, as flowers are a non jewish custom. understood that the neighbors are not Jewish, but we don't cater to non jewish customs. A better idea would be to follow Jewish custom and send food.

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 1:59 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

amother wrote:

I don't think , they would be too happy to know that you're planning for his death! Confused

I hear what youre saying and I appreciate that you posted this under your screenname, unlike Mrs. Amother. Thanks!

Raisin

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:24 pm

I hate to disillusion you, but newspapers are not quite so finicky. apparantly they have obituries written up of famous people in case they die suddenly. before the queen mother died in england they had all sorts of plans what to do when she died.

my dh is a rabbi and has to deal a lot with families in these situations. of course we want to hope that they will only get better but to many times you have to face reality, for example to daven with the sick person before death you have to face the fact that they may be dying soon.

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:26 pm

louche wrote:

Nice try, but your new title leaves us clueless. Try calling a spade a spade and titling the thread "how to send condolences to a nonJew?"

Done!! thanks!!

DefyGravity

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:28 pm

Quote:

my dh is a rabbi and has to deal a lot with families in these situations. of course we want to hope that they will only get better but to many times you have to face reality, for example to daven with the sick person before death you have to face the fact that they may be dying soon.

I think it's different being a family member and discussing these types of matters with clergy than a casual friend musing about what to do if a neighbor dies.

Last edited by DefyGravity on Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:28 pm

Raisin wrote:

Thanks Raisin!

And I see that you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all the time.

yersp

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:28 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I think it's different being a family member and discussing these types of matters with clergy than a casual friend musing about what to do if a neighbor dies.

you know defy, you dont always have to reply.

DefyGravity

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:30 pm

I was talking to raisin, not you. If you don't like my responses, either don't post things that are controversial, or put me on ignore.

Last edited by DefyGravity on Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

Raisin

Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:30 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I think it's different being a family member and discussing these types of matters with clergy than a casual friend musing about what to do if a neighbor dies.

she is doing it somewhat anonymously on a board. probabaly not appropriate to discuss with the neighbours - thats why she is coming here.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Mar 23 2009, 4:45 pm

Buhlight, what a thoughtful neighbour you are.

You can always ask the family how he is doing, tell them that you think about him and he is on your prayer. I would send a neutral sympathy card, probably won't do flowers. Not sure about sending foods, though it probably won't hurt to ask the family if you can bring something. I would probably ask if there is a charity of choice you can make contribution.

yersp

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 9:46 am

Thanks everyone for your replies! When I told DH about the ideas that all of you have given me, he agreed with the card but said that I shouldn't send flowers. At least I'm prepared now. And I do ask how he's doing whenever I see his wife or any of their friends from the block. I'm constantly wishing him well when I speak with them.