How to handle guests with destructive children

amother

Mon, Mar 30 2009, 11:19 pm

We had guests stay by us for shabbos, and their kids..

They had four children, youngest was a baby that was a bit over a year.

My dh and I have been discussing if we want more kids, and this baby kind of made us second guess jumping into more kids... We have gotten used to older kids.

So the older kids, were very destructive with our kids toys (bikes, balls, tennis racket). Throwing balls at the kids and various places, not caring if they screetched the bike to a quick stop (we consider bikes muksa on shabbos) so our kids were very upset. They threw toys all over the house and did not clean up.

It was not easy.
I felt bad for our kids, and we kept on saying they are guests only for shabbos.

We tried so hard to make them feel welcome, but in the end the kids were not so friendly.

ShakleeMom

Tue, Mar 31 2009, 7:23 pm

I have a destructive kid. The secret to keeping her tame is protein. I stuff her with 4 oz. (1 serving) of protein every three hours on the button. Additionally, make sure the kid is not overly stimulated with noise and sounds, it has the opposite affect on the kid. Avoid trampolines, swings, climbing, and jumping. Try to bring out as many activities that you have that involve geometric shapes such as puzzle, squares, blocks. Anything with corners that kids can line up and match up is very soothing for the stressed child. PM if you have no clue what I’m talking about.

chocolate moose

Tue, Mar 31 2009, 8:38 pm

amother wrote:

My dh and I have been discussing if we want more kids, and this baby kind of made us second guess jumping into more kids... We have gotten used to older kids.

that doens't mean any kids YOu had would be like that

amother wrote:

I felt bad for our kids, and we kept on saying they are guests only for shabbos.

We tried so hard to make them feel welcome, but in the end the kids were not so friendly.

I can imagine!!! It doesn't sound nice at all !!!

amother

Tue, Mar 31 2009, 8:56 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

amother wrote:

My dh and I have been discussing if we want more kids, and this baby kind of made us second guess jumping into more kids... We have gotten used to older kids.

that doens't mean any kids YOu had would be like that

amother wrote:

I felt bad for our kids, and we kept on saying they are guests only for shabbos.

We tried so hard to make them feel welcome, but in the end the kids were not so friendly.

I can imagine!!! It doesn't sound nice at all !!!

I just felt bad for the kids... One of my kids said that they did not like having guests anymore, and I said what about when aunt or cousin so-in-so visits??

They responded, "well they are family!"

I love having guests....such is life

HindaRochel

Wed, Apr 01 2009, 1:08 am

amother wrote:

Where were the parents in all of this?
If you don't allow playing on bikes on Shabbat don't allow anyone to play on them (screeching to a quick stop isn't playing roughly imho, it is normal.) BUT if you didn't want them on the bike you should have said so and stopped them. Put your hand on the bike, say firmly. "We don't ride bikes on Shabbat in this house." if the child needs to be helped off the bike, help him off. If balls aren't allowed to be thrown in the house then take the balls and explain that you can not allow them to be played that way.

Basically you need to set the rules and hopefully the parents will help.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 01 2009, 7:04 am

HindaRochel wrote:

Where were the parents in all of this?

my precise thoughts that the parents should be handling their own destructive children ... so as they don't get to that point ...

I guess it's hard to be on top of everyone but they should also have had limited access to the toys and such so that it didn't become a mess and/or help clean up ...

amother

Wed, Apr 01 2009, 12:38 pm

HindaRochel wrote:

Where were the parents in all of this?

I think when things got bad was when the baby did not sleep all night, because they forgot the child's comfort thing. B"H I found something similar, so the mom went to nap with him. At that moment my kids locked themselves in the playroom and excluded their kids.

Just went from there.

Bubby your right, we will not probably have them again!

HindaRochel

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 1:38 am

It is certainly your right not to have them again, but:
I consider abusive behavior with toys to be using toys in such a manner that they are likely to be broken or destroyed. One of the things you mentioned was throwing balls at kids and various places; was this in the house? Were these hard balls? Were they trying to throw to and not at? Another thing you mentioned was screeching the bike to a halt.

It would depend on the circumstances but I am not certain I would consider any of the above "destructive". Most children come to a screeching halt on their bikes at some point, and tossing a ball at things or people, well balls are meant to be thrown. If they were trying to hurt the other kids that is a diferent story, if they were trying to knock down something that is breakable, that would be destructive. But if they were throwing the ball at a wall or against the floor or trying to knock down the teddy bears, well that wouldn't be destructive in my mind, perhaps not permitted, but there is a difference between not permitted and destructive.

If the circumstances were as you stated, I tihnk that you need to establish ground rules and quickly, as soon as you see a game getting out of hand for your house, without judging the behavior as bad or good. (For instance, in my house food doesn't go upstairs.) "In this house we don't ride bikes on Shabbat." "In this house we don't throw balls in the house, only outside and not against the walls of the house as it annoys those who are sleeping... You can toss the ball against the garage or against the garden wall " (as an example.)

Different homes have different rules and the children can't be expected to know your rules without your telling them even if it seems obvious to you what the rule should be.

Raisin

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 6:05 am

amother wrote:

HindaRochel wrote:

Where were the parents in all of this?

your kids locked themselves in their playroom and excluded the guests? and you think your kids behaviour is ok? well, if my kids were treated like that by their hosts I could understand them acting up.

amother

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 12:57 pm

Raisin..

The guests had broken a plastic covering to a light by throwing balls at it.. Then they hid 1/2 the balls in the room they were staying in and this was while my children were including them and teaching them a game that required all the balls.

I understand that at times kids break hard on bikes, but this particular child kept on doing it over and over and over marking up the concrete...

My kids were upset with how the guests were treating the baby (I.e. picking it up and twisting it upside down treating him like a rag doll). So my children took the baby and brought him to his mother, causing the guest kids to scream repeatedly at how they hated my kids.

My children have been taught that if people are being mean and rude to separate themselves before they get angry and retaliate.

So I think they did the right thing by giving themselves a time out to calm down.

amother

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 1:50 pm

Blair wrote:

I would never have invited them in the first place and if you did not know then I would never invite them back again until the child is married. What

This is the first and probably last time we will have them over... I felt bad for the mom she kept on saying that my children were being mean, but half the time she did not see her kids acting destructive..

They were guests so I just kept apologizing..

Nicole

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 4:35 pm

amother, I know exactly what you mean. I have a friend who comes from time to time with her 3 kids, and they're just like this. They've broken a fan and destroyed the living room, dumping everythig on the floor... the mom doesn't discipline much
As Hindarochel said, I've learned to lay dowwn the law cz the mom aint doing it! it's still hard, though.

Raisin

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 5:22 pm

I wouldn't necessarily blame the mother, some kids are just wild by nature. I am a terrible disciplinarian, I am just very lucky my kids are relatively quiet by nature. when other kids come over I see the diffrence.

even so I would be hesitant about taking my 5 kids to someone elses house, unless it was very kid friendly.

Nicole

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 8:16 pm

What bothers me is, (this is a real example) when "yankel" is throwing a ball around my living room, which includes a glass vase on the dining room table (tiny aptmt) I say,
"gosh yankel, we don't really throw the ball in the house. Do you want to ROLL it to Ahuva?"
(yankel ignores)
(yankel's mom smiles politely)
(yankel continues to throw ball)
ME: "Yankel- Ahuva wants to show you how to ROLL the ball, okay?"
(Yankel's mom continues smiling)
(Yankel ignores)
ME: "Y'know what? I think Im going to put the ball away for a while. Why don't we take out something else to play with now?"

TELL ME I'M WRONG, BUT SHOULDN'T YANKEL'S MOM STEP IN ONCE I'VE TOLD HIM WE DON'T THROW BALLS IN OUR HOUSE???!?