How to handle guests with destructive children

sarahla

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 8:43 pm

amother wrote:

Blair wrote:

I would never have invited them in the first place and if you did not know then I would never invite them back again until the child is married. What

This is the first and probably last time we will have them over... I felt bad for the mom she kept on saying that my children were being mean, but half the time she did not see her kids acting destructive..

They were guests so I just kept apologizing..

Are you serious!!1 She had the odacity to tell you your kids are mean...wow I would have blow and say:" well they were just doing what YOUR kids are doing !!! Very Happy

"

BH you should be happy because your kids did the right thing, and I would set up rules.
I really dont like it when parents dont take care of their kids...c'mon its not a vacation when you're at other pp's house!!!!

mummiedearest

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 8:51 pm

nicole--

sorry, but you're too nice. my initial response is either tell the kid plainly "we don't throw balls in this house," or tell the mother plainly, "I see your son is throwing the ball. please tell him that my rule is not to throw balls in this house." I see nothing wrong with asking friends to discipline their own children. I also ask my friends if I can discipline their children in their presence. sometimes they don't notice what their kids are doing. they know they can stop my child from doing something against the rules in my presence as well. I have carried friends' kids down my staircase after telling them I didn't want them playing upstairs. I have no problem telling a kid "you'll either walk down the stairs yourself, with dignity, or I will carry you down, which may embarrass you."
I don't go for the "friendly reminder" thing. I have never had another parent get mad at me for being blunt with their kids. especially the parents of destructive kids. they seem to feel more relaxed knowing they don't have to watch their kid's every step. and I've never had a kid hate me or decide he doesn't want to play with my kids. they all come back.

mummiedearest

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 8:55 pm

and now to the op--

what were you doing apologizing? it's unfair of you not to let the parents know what their kids are doing. it's not just a question of it being the parents' responsibility. suppose these kids are more angelic at home? the parents will never be invited anywhere again because no one wants to deal with their kids and the parents don't realize that their kids are the problem.

unless the parents are in denial, in which case you should try to help them out of it. "your child just broke my favorite lamp. please have him apologize to me, and tell him for the final time that we don't throw balls in this house. my children have been trying to play nicely with yours, and my kids just can't handle them anymore."

a friend may be embarrassed by the situation, but will not be upset at you for bringing it up. you can say it less bluntly and still get your point across. just open your mouth a bit.

faigah

Thu, Apr 02 2009, 9:07 pm

I completely can understand your situation. My boys also act up when we are away.

When you have active children hey kinda get out of hand when they are not in their regular schedule. But that doesn't make it ok. It is understandable from the kids part but not from the parents. I specially bring along their favorite toys or books and sit and entertain them the whole time.

But if the kids don’t behave and the parents don't step up you have to. It’s not rude at all. State your rule in a positive, firm manner and follow through if needs to. Good luck, and I hope you will still take in guest without running a background check on them beforehand (just kidding).

HindaRochel

Fri, Apr 03 2009, 12:57 am

Nicole wrote:

What bothers me is, (this is a real example) when "yankel" is throwing a ball around my living room, which includes a glass vase on the dining room table (tiny aptmt) I say,
"gosh yankel, we don't really throw the ball in the house. Do you want to ROLL it to Ahuva?"
(yankel ignores)
(yankel's mom smiles politely)
(yankel continues to throw ball)
ME: "Yankel- Ahuva wants to show you how to ROLL the ball, okay?"
(Yankel's mom continues smiling)
(Yankel ignores)
ME: "Y'know what? I think Im going to put the ball away for a while. Why don't we take out something else to play with now?"

TELL ME I'M WRONG, BUT SHOULDN'T YANKEL'S MOM STEP IN ONCE I'VE TOLD HIM WE DON'T THROW BALLS IN OUR HOUSE???!?

Yes, Yankel's mom should have stepped in. But if she didn't you had the perfect right to take the ball away and put it where he couldn't reach. How old is Yankel? If you are talking about someone who is under 2 then you probably should move the kids to somewhere else. He might not quite get what you expect of him or simply forget. I also think when talking to young chidren it is important to state not ask, and to use few words. We don't throw balls, we roll balls. (take ball) here Ahuva. Stand near Yankel if he starts to throw it take the ball and his hand and gently put it on the floor "Like this!"

Happy Mom

Fri, Apr 03 2009, 1:09 am

It's your house, and you get to set the rules. It's true, parents should be responsible for their own children, but some parents just don't have a good sense of appropriate boundaries. Maybe they don't know how to handle their kids, maybe they don't see their child's behavior as problematic, maybe they don't want to see it as problematic. But whatever the case, if they aren't doing what they need to do, then you need to clarify what your house rules are and insist on them being followed.

Years ago we had a family with kids like this - their kids were so wild and all over the place - went into every room, opened every drawer, and the parents just ignored it all.... BH it was only for a meal - the whole Shabbos would have been torture. Their kids were older than mine at the time, and I didn't have the confidence to set the limits that I now would, or even know how to set the limits. Not having them again was a no brainer for me.

amother

Thu, Jun 04 2009, 11:44 pm

Well, in a way you're lucky that they're just guests. I have sisters who are terrible at disciplining their children and are very defensive when you try to tell them to discipline better. At first I dealt with this by acting as HindaRochel suggested but then I felt like I was always the mean one and besides why is it my job? So now I do like MummieDearest suggests, and I turn to my sister/s and say "Chani can you please do something about X, my baby is taking a nap". "Chani can you please feed your child and clean up afterwards?". "Chani can you take that game away from your daughter before she rips all the cards?". It makes my life so much easier and my sisters don't come as often anymore because it's no fun when they have to work too and it's not just a vacation when they come here.