not being invited to wedding dinner

amother

Fri, May 01 2009, 7:06 pm

Do people understand if they are not invited to the wedding dinner? If the invitation just listed times for Kabalas ponim, chupa and simchos chosson v'kalla which is at 9:30 are they resentful if they don't get the separate dinner card? I would hope by now when people have so many simchos in a single night to go to, they wouldn't mind such an invite from a not immediate family member or not very close friend but I also don't want to offend. Space is limited for the dinner and I do intend to provide a buffet at 9:30.
What do you think?

DefyGravity

Fri, May 01 2009, 7:35 pm

I'm of the mindset that if someone is not a good enough friend to invite to the wedding, there's no need to only invite them to the chuppah.

Personally, I'm not interested in getting dressed up to go to an event and taking the time to go, if it's only for the chuppah. I also don't like getting invites for the entire wedding if it's someone I hardly know. Why are they inviting me?

lech lecha08

Sat, May 02 2009, 5:24 pm

I was invited to a wedding once by a family involved in kiruv. They regularly had 30 or more people over every Fri night. They included a nice poem explaining that they want to include people on their simcha but couldn't invite for the meal also and listed the times for bedeken, chuppah and simchas chassan v'kallah

Raisin

Sat, May 02 2009, 5:24 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

maybe by the time you get to the stage when you are marrying off your kids you have a much wider circle of friends and aquaintences.

when I was single I got a lot of invitations like this, for girls my age (but not my classmate) who were getting married. on the one hand I was a bit miffed not get a dinner invite, but on the other hand I completely understand that most people are not millionaires.

if you are part of a close knot community people might not be your best firend but still feel close enough to you to come and say mazel tov.

amother

Sat, May 02 2009, 9:06 pm

Immediate family, close friends and my local community (I live out-of-town but most will drive the 1.5 hrs to NY to attend) plus relatives and friends of NY total well over 400 people. There's probably another 100 people that would feel slighted by no invitation (summer acquaintances, old classmates with whom I have not kept in touch with but are happy to see when we bump into each other) so I was hoping to include them with the invitation as stated above but still don't want them to be offended. I don't know what to do!

ss321

Sat, May 02 2009, 9:14 pm

Its not that I feel "slighted," we just know if we get an invitation where we arent invited to the meal, it is not worth getting dressed, and finding a babysitter to go to 30 minutes worth of a wedding. If you arent good enough friends with us to send us an invite to the meal, then DONT INVITE US! I promise I wont be slighted. But getting the "chuppah only" invitations just makes me feel ackward. If we are invited to a wedding (meaning REALLY invited) but dont go, we give a present anyway. But if you dont intend to invite us for teh wedding (for whatever reason- space, money, whatever), then just dont. thats just my personal opinon. I think its different when you are 19 and its a girl in 2 grades above you getting married, then when you yourself are married with a family, job and tons of responsibilities...just my two cents.

amother

Sat, May 02 2009, 9:29 pm

qeenB wrote:

how about the option on the return card to choose dinner or simchas chossen vkallah.

We did that for my wedding-- needed to invite a lot of people because of my father's position but my parents felt funny picking and choosing who to invite for what, so they invited everyone and sent back a card with options for "chuppah only" and "chuppah and dinner" and many people who weren't so close did choose chuppah only.

DefyGravity

Sat, May 02 2009, 9:31 pm

Raisin wrote:

maybe by the time you get to the stage when you are marrying off your kids you have a much wider circle of friends and aquaintences.

You think that the only people I know at this point in my life are good friends? I have loads of "hi buddies" and casual friends, and no, I did not invite them to my wedding. If they're not good enough friends to invite altogether, I'm not going to only invite them to the chuppah. In return, I'm not going to feel slighted if an acquaintance doesn't send me any type of invite to his/her kid's wedding. For instance, the woman that I talk to at the gym all the time does not need to feel like I'm going to feel bad if I don't get a chuppah invite. I don't expect any type of invite from this type of casual friend.

I get chuppah invites fairly consistently, and most of the time, I don't even know who they are.

cassandra

Sat, May 02 2009, 9:39 pm

The only times I've ever been invited to only a chuppah was when I was in elementary school and my teachers got married. I guess it's just not a thing here. (Unless it's equivalent to being invited to a bar mitzvah kiddush but not lunch or a party, because I do get those.) I'm not so interested, and I happen to think it's better for all of mankind if people stopped inviting random acquaintances to things. I was one of the first to get married from my age and I remember my father looking at my long list of friends and telling me that I wasn't going to have anything to do with most of these people in a few years-- and he was 100% right. And some of those people who got married six or seven years after who were there did not invite me to their wedding, and it was not weird or offensive in the slightest. I'm actually happy they did it because then we don't have to create this fake "simcha bond" where you get invited to each other's simchos even though you otherwise don't have much to do with each other, unless you see each other on the street and you say hi. My in-laws invited so many people to our wedding like this...

ss321

Sat, May 02 2009, 9:41 pm

qeenB wrote:

how about the option on the return card to choose dinner or simchas chossen vkallah.

we did this, that way if someone DID want to come later on, they had the option, and didnt have to feel like they were obligated to come because htey RSVPd that they were coming for hte dinner.
but we sent the same invitation to everyone. and we did invite alot of acquaintances = business associates of my father and FIL. most of them did NOT show up, but it didnt cross our minds for one second to send a "different" invitation or an invitation with a different "rsvp" card. if there was someone we didnt want at the dinner part , we didnt invite them to the wedding.
Why should I pay a babysitter 40 dollars if you arent paying for a meal for me? I KNOW its not "tit for a tat," but seriously, think about it. you have to spend time getting dressed, driving, parking (or paying valet), plus be away from your kids, all to go to a wedding for 30 minutes and not even sit down? its not worth it to me, the "simchas chosson vekallah" ones usually ARE just acquaintances,and they dont go onto our calendar or into the drawer with all the invitaitons, sorry,, they go straight to the trash.

Clarissa

Sat, May 02 2009, 10:06 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I agree 100%. I find it really strange. If I care about someone enough to invite them to the wedding, they're invited for the whole thing. I think the invitations should read, "Please come to the ceremony, but leave soon after. Our real friends will be staying for a lovely meal and celebratory dancing. We'd be happy to provide you with directions to some local eateries, should you work up an appetite during your time with us. Gifts are still expected, by the way, although they may be more modest."

BusyBeeMommy

Sat, May 02 2009, 10:21 pm

I think that inviting without dinner is totally fine. It's a no obligation invitation, kind of saying, "We'd love to share our simcha with everyone, but under no circumstances should you feel obligated." The people who send such intvitations don't expect a gift.

With my two babies, I don't get out at night much, and if I do, I'd rather spend the time with my husband than with a bunch of women I have to be polite to. I love getting these kinds of invitatons, as I don't have to feel bad if I don't go.

amother

Sat, May 02 2009, 11:08 pm

Some of you have made the point why I don't want to invite these casual acquaintances for the dinner. If I sent no invitation, I might create an enemy (maybe too harsh a word but viewed as a snob) even if the recepient didn't feel like going. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to come to the wedding or "put out" in any way. I only want those that feel like they belong and are happy to attend. If there is going to be a buffet at Simchos chosson v'kallah, they'll be fed just not at the sit-down dinner - is there really something wrong with that?

Barbara

Sat, May 02 2009, 11:19 pm

Clarissa wrote:

DefyGravity wrote:

My immediate reaction was identical to yours.

We're more at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah stage than the wedding one. There have been a couple that I would have expected to be invited to, but was not. For the local one, we still went to hear the boy leyn, wished the family a hearty mazel tov, and maintain the same cordial relationship with them that we had before the Bar Mitzvah. (We didn't hear the non-local child leyn, but ditto the rest.) Particularly these days, no one has bottomless pockets.

I'd feel the same about a wedding. While I might be slightly hurt about not being invited, I would get over it a lot faster than a C-list invite.