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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Not being invited to wedding dinner
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:21 pm
I don't think it's about food. It's about saying, "I like you enough for this, but not enough for that. And you'll probably see all of the people I liked enough to invite for the whole deal!" I don't care, frankly, if I'm not invited to things, so this would give me an excuse to get out of it, but I think it's a very weird idea.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:23 pm
Barbara wrote:
Clarissa wrote:
DefyGravity wrote:
I'm of the mindset that if someone is not a good enough friend to invite to the wedding, there's no need to only invite them to the chuppah.

Personally, I'm not interested in getting dressed up to go to an event and taking the time to go, if it's only for the chuppah. I also don't like getting invites for the entire wedding if it's someone I hardly know. Why are they inviting me?
I agree 100%. I find it really strange. If I care about someone enough to invite them to the wedding, they're invited for the whole thing. I think the invitations should read, "Please come to the ceremony, but leave soon after. Our real friends will be staying for a lovely meal and celebratory dancing. We'd be happy to provide you with directions to some local eateries, should you work up an appetite during your time with us. Gifts are still expected, by the way, although they may be more modest."


My immediate reaction was identical to yours.

We're more at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah stage than the wedding one. There have been a couple that I would have expected to be invited to, but was not. For the local one, we still went to hear the boy leyn, wished the family a hearty mazel tov, and maintain the same cordial relationship with them that we had before the Bar Mitzvah. (We didn't hear the non-local child leyn, but ditto the rest.) Particularly these days, no one has bottomless pockets.

I'd feel the same about a wedding. While I might be slightly hurt about not being invited, I would get over it a lot faster than a C-list invite.
See, I'd rather be left out of the whole thing. Honestly, I hate going to stuff, so I'm happy to be left out. But I would never have considered sending half invitations. I don't think I know anybody who's done that, either. Maybe it's just not done in my social circle or whatever, but is common elsewhere.
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costanza




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:24 pm
I'm glad to hear these answers are so level headed.

I am making a bar mitzvah in 2 weeks and deciding where to cut the guest list was, at times, difficult. Everyone has different categories of friends. And I did not want to have a two tiered invitation. To me, that just publicizes that some are in the lower tier.

Having said that, I put my foot in my mouth and got all awkward when one of the lower tired people (someone I'm friendly with only because our kids are friends and we speak to arrange play dates) started asking me about the simcha and I blurted out how sorry I was that I didn't invite her. It was just a mess. She felt awkward. I felt awkward. Uch.

But I still don't feel I had to invite her. Making simchas is just a tricky thing, and try as we might, we sometimes hurt people's feelings.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:26 pm
When I was getting married, somebody from work asked about the wedding. At that point I hadn't invited most of the people from work (except for close friends) so I scrambled and invited the rest of them. Turned out the one who asked was a no-show, but all of the others came. In the end, I loved having them there and they had a great time. When I see the wedding pictures, I'm glad they were there.
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Blair




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:27 pm
I think this is becoming more of the in thing to do to cut back on some of the wedding expenses. I feel it's hard to say come to the chuppah and then what do you do for a few hours till you come back. I would just go later in the evening for the dancing and not to the chuppah.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:33 pm
Sometimes the kallah is poor! I've been invited for dancing only and not only shown up, I've brought a gift, if I knew the kallah needed it.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:36 pm
If there isn't a lot of $ to spend, they can have a smaller wedding. My friend had a beautiful wedding with about 40 or so guests. All the food was homemade, we women made the flower arrangements, her dress was bought second-hand, and the whole thing took place in her backyard. It was gorgeous, the dancing was fantastic, the food was delicious and we all had wonderful memories. I'd rather do that than have "this one invited for this, this one invited for that," situations arise.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:40 pm
costanza wrote:
I am making a bar mitzvah in 2 weeks and deciding where to cut the guest list was, at times, difficult. Everyone has different categories of friends. And I did not want to have a two tiered invitation. To me, that just publicizes that some are in the lower tier.


but a bar mitzvah is different. most ppl don't make huge affairs. there's only one side of the family to consider, anyway.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 8:55 pm
chocolate moose wrote:
costanza wrote:
I am making a bar mitzvah in 2 weeks and deciding where to cut the guest list was, at times, difficult. Everyone has different categories of friends. And I did not want to have a two tiered invitation. To me, that just publicizes that some are in the lower tier.


but a bar mitzvah is different. most ppl don't make huge affairs. there's only one side of the family to consider, anyway.


How? At the wedding, you consider the bride's family and the groom's family. By time the Bar Mitzvah rolls around, groom is called dad, and bride is called mom. Same people. Same sides of the family to consider. Except now you add in the kid's friends, so in reality you have more people.

As to the size of affairs that most people make, that depends upon the community in which you live. I've attended Bar Mitzvahs where the seudah was bagels and cream cheese after a weekday shachrit, and I've attended Bar Mitzvahs that cost well over $100,000.

In the end, when you may a simcha, you have to start with a budget, then decide where to go with it. If you want a huge number of people on a small budget, you make it simple -- a dessert reception, for example. If you want a fancy meal, then you invite fewer people.
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HindaRochel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:06 pm
Clarissa wrote:
DefyGravity wrote:
I'm of the mindset that if someone is not a good enough friend to invite to the wedding, there's no need to only invite them to the chuppah.

Personally, I'm not interested in getting dressed up to go to an event and taking the time to go, if it's only for the chuppah. I also don't like getting invites for the entire wedding if it's someone I hardly know. Why are they inviting me?
I agree 100%. I find it really strange. If I care about someone enough to invite them to the wedding, they're invited for the whole thing. I think the invitations should read, "Please come to the ceremony, but leave soon after. Our real friends will be staying for a lovely meal and celebratory dancing. We'd be happy to provide you with directions to some local eateries, should you work up an appetite during your time with us. Gifts are still expected, by the way, although they may be more modest."


I just assume that they had a lot of obligations in terms of who to invite, couldn't invite everyone, wanted me/my family to come and celebrate with them and etc.

I don't, even if well liked by others, expect to be invited everywhere by everyone. Some will invite us some won't. If I'm just invited for the celebration but not the meal, okay. Usually there is a food anyway and so I'll go, clap for the wedding and leave. That doesn't bother me at all.

Often times the person who is invited for the simcha itself but not the meal are the Yeshiva bochors and seminary girls.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:08 pm
I personally think that many of the posters are taking not being invited to the entire wedding too personally. Please understand that the Baalei Simcha are paying per head and it can end up being very costly. If someone cannot invites you to the wedding be thankful that you mean enough to them that they want you there but because of financial limitations cannot have you for the dinner. Return the good thoughts graciously and go for what you are invited for (if there are no conflicts). Good attitude is essential.

I still think that smartest way to do this is invite everybody to everything but make a check list on the return card. Ex: chuppah, dinner, dancing, etc. If someone can find it in his time to come out to the dinner at an inconvenient hour of homework, bedtime, dinner at home, etc. then they belong there. You'd be surprised how most people respond "will be there for simchas chosson vkallah (dancing)".

Let's keep simchas happy occasions instead of turning them into opportunities to sour friendships.

Just my two cents...
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Fabulous




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:14 pm
I think the only time I got insulted because I didn't get invited to a meal was by the first girl in our class to get married (in 12th grade) because I really thought she was my friend (could've been that my age was a factor and excitement).

I had a lot of people that we invited to my wedding but not to the meal. In our community it is an accepted practice. For the parents set (middle aged) it usually means coming for the chupa, and for the kids set (teen through twenties or thirties, depending on circumstances) it usually means for dancing. These groups can include people from shul who would get insulted if not thought about but not so close or grademades that girls were friendly with in school and would love to see but didn't really keep up with, or neighbors but from the whole other end of the block that again, want to include in your simcha but not so close. It usually included an assortment of family like second cousins or your first cousins' kids (if it's a large family). They are still family but you cannot possibly invite all of them for a meal unless you have a) a small family b) an ulimited budget and huge hall.

The truth is I usually don't go to a wedding where I was just invited for chupah/dancing because as someone (I think defy) said, to get all dressed and out of the house for some dancing or for a chupah that I'm not so close to, is not for me. But I know plenty of people who go and are quite happy to do so.
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amother


 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:21 pm
I see most replieswere against 2 diff invitations

I have to differ

first of all if im invited to the chuppah and the dancing, I usually only go to the dancing. and truthfully at this point unless im flying into the wedding or its a relative I usually only go to the dancing anyways. (I guess I dont have very close friends here who are marrying off children)

by mine and my siblings weddings we had 2 invitations. thee were no tiers it was split up simply relatives, out of town guests came for the whole thing and e/o else came for the chuppah and/or dancing and buffet - which by the way is not that cheap either.
some very close friends who lived in the city came for the whole thing. (I actually didnt get married in the town I grew up in) just relatives and out of town guests can be 400 ppl and even w/ a simple enough wedding that still costs money so u have to draw the line somewhere.

whoever said theyd invite all their friend to e/t - do u have large extended families - like at least 300 guests worth (and thats with the 2nd and 3rd cousins choosing not to come for the dinner)?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:34 pm
what about when somebody asks you to invite some people ... is it any different for them for a partial invite ??
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:40 pm
I just want to clarify that I don't take it at all personally if I'm not invited to something. I totally understand, and I'm not such a party animal that I want to go to things, anyway. But I'd much rather be not invited at all than invited to part. I also wouldn't want to do that to my friends, who would obviously see who was invited for the real deal, and who wasn't.

I can't imagine being hurt about not being invited, but I certainly don't understand extending a half invitation. I guess to each her own.
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ValleyMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:46 pm
If I'm not good enough to include in the dinner portion of your simcha then don't bother sending me an invitation.

Now, in the past I have been invited to TWO events for the same time... I call the person whose invitation I received seond and tell them NOT to put a place card for us, We will join for desert and dancing.

They have always been very grateful for my honesty and they save the cost on two full dinners.
I think sending partial invitations is hurtful--at least give people the option. I work full time it is challenging to make an event called for 6:00 PM... I would lOVE the option to arrive later.
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HindaRochel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 9:47 pm
Clarissa wrote:
I just want to clarify that I don't take it at all personally if I'm not invited to something. I totally understand, and I'm not such a party animal that I want to go to things, anyway. But I'd much rather be not invited at all than invited to part. I also wouldn't want to do that to my friends, who would obviously see who was invited for the real deal, and who wasn't.

I can't imagine being hurt about not being invited, but I certainly don't understand extending a half invitation. I guess to each her own.


I think it just depends on the circumstance. I totally understand that someone may have greater obligations but be sad that I could not otherwise attend and to want me there.
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amother


 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 10:10 pm
the only time I can remember getting invited to chuppah only, was quite recently.
my neighbor from accross the street ( heck I can see into her house) made a big wedding in a huge hall......im her customer from her basement store...... she was invited to my own kids wedding......and yet all I got was one of those half invites.
all I could think of was...... what is up with this?
no. im not speaking to her anymore. and I wont be giving her my business anymore as well. why bother?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 10:42 pm
It has a lot to do with the accepted custom in your community as well as the amount of time needed to get to/from the chassunah. One of the nice things about having wedding halls in your neighborhood is that you can drop in for the chupah or dancing without making an evening-long commitment.

It also depends on the format of the chassunah. When I got married, my husband's rosh yeshiva and many gedolim were suggesting that the chuppah be followed immediately by light refreshments and dancing. Only after the dancing ended was a seuda to be served to family and out-of-town guests. We had a fantastic dessert buffet with sparkling wine, including a sundae bar, etc. It was very inexpensive compared to a sit-down dinner, and everyone loved it. After two rounds of dancing, the whole thing wound down and we had the seuda for about 50 people. This format worked because no one left hungry and because there was clearly no "A list" or "B list".

Unfortunately, the format never really caught on -- IMHO, because there's no break for the all-important posed photographs that prove that you're really, truly married.

However, I agree that having some people standing around while others are enjoying a meal is not nice. At least put out some chips and dip! Of course, the non-seuda folks might have to fend off poaching from the seuda-eaters who can't stomach another dried-out half-chicken and want some chips and dip for a change!
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ganizzy




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 11:30 pm
fox, a friend of mine did that. after the chuppah, the chosson and kallah went to the yichud room folllowed by pictures while the guests enjoyed a nice buffet. then the chassan and kallah came down and we danced for a while. after it winded down e/o left. except family and out of towners went to a different shul and had the seudah with some light dancing.

by my wedding we had the chuppah in a shul with a light buffet, and then the meal and dancing in a hall so it worked out well. people didnt realize that some guests had a seudah while they came a little later and had a buffet (which was supper but still cheaper then a sit down meal.)

when u have a big family k"h, and when ure on shlichus and have a big community to invite u financially can not have e/o there. but the community still has to be invited.

I dont get why its insulting to be invited for "1/2" the wedding. if u want to participate in their wedding, then go and if u dont then dont. but why do people have to spend thousands of dollars on one hand or not invite their "stam" friends on the other? I think its a nice middle ground.

my viewpoint is from a community with alot of family and friends. most people are not coming with big gifts, average "nice" gift is $50. its just about sharing in the simcha.
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