defiant 11 yr old daughter

Tila

Mon, May 18 2009, 1:55 pm

We live near a park that recently got a makeover. DD came up to me and said "I am going to the park! BYE!" and flit away. Iresponded by asking with whom. She said "My self!" You can guess where this went. Noetheless she is whining outside cuz I will not listen to reason. I do not feel it is appropriate to let her go alone with so many creeps out there. Would you let your dd go alone?

leomom

Mon, May 18 2009, 2:49 pm

I think if you frame this in your mind as a matter of her being "defiant," you are setting yourself up for a power struggle. Instead, try to see your daughter as a young lady with her own point of view (which you don't have to agree with), and talk to her about both sides of things and come to a solution.

That may very well mean that you need to put your foot down in this case, since you feel it's a matter of safety. You can't really compromise on safety. On the other hand, before you make that decision, give serious consideration to her perspective and think about whether there's any way you can give her more independence without jeopardizing her safety.

Do you live in an unsafe area? Or are you just concerned in general about her being out alone? Could you give her a cell phone? Could she go with a friend? Are there other ways to give a little here?

If not, then explain to her why she can't go by herself. But tell her in a way that shows you respect and trust her.

sequoia

Mon, May 18 2009, 6:53 pm

It is so important at that age to be able to go out alone... I remember fighting tooth and nail for this privilege.

What I suggest is working out a "plan." Define the perimeter of where she's allowed to go, what time she must be home, how often she needs to call, and so on. If you both agree to the plan and shake on it, she will feel like you trust her. In that case you can certainly take away this privilege if she forgets her phone or doesn't pick up, for example.

leomom

Mon, May 18 2009, 7:16 pm

mama-star wrote:

what a great response, yy...

B"H, I hope it's helpful. I want to add one more thing. Tila, if you haven't already, it's a good age to talk to your daughter about "street smarts" and how to avoid potentially dangerous situations. You will both feel better if you are confident that she knows the basics of personal safety.

Tila

Tue, May 19 2009, 2:35 pm

ALL great advice. In the end, her dad said it was OK and she went. This was after I had left with her younger brother for a BD party. When I got home, she said, "I went to the park and then some!" She went on to tell methat saddy said yes, and the then some was going to the corner store to buy popscycles for the neighbours. These kids are not aloud to go to the store alone and she did it for them without asking their mom first. That mom was upset cuz her kids gave DD $$ without telling mom first. I am livid. So is the othe rmom. I told other mom the situation, and then she understood. Dad felt it was OK for DD to have indepnedance. He did not know about the popcycle run tho...

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, May 19 2009, 3:14 pm

Tila - I see why you would be frustrated that your daughter went anyway. It seems like there are a few issues here:

1. You said no, daddy said yes.
2. She bought popsicles for her neighbors against their mother's wishes.

As for the first one, this is probably the first of many times this will happen...unless you nip it in the bud right now. Your dd thinks she's pulling a fast one on you. So you and dh sit down with her and say that from now on, if a parent says something, that holds true even after s/he's gone. Which means that getting permission from the other parent doesn't override the original lack of permission, no matter what.

Next, it might be a good idea for you and dh to sit down and talk about how much independence you want your dd to have so that you're on the same page, keeping in mind some of yy's comments...

As for the second thing, that's something that she's old enough to make amends for on her own, without you, I would think. Can the mother of the neighbors talkabout this with her? She might have to do some extra chores to make back the money to pay her, or somehting liek that...but she needs to take responsibility for doing something without the mother's permission.

Just my two cents. what do you think?

ruthla

Mon, May 25 2009, 10:35 am

It sounds to me like you need a talk with your DH and another talk with your DD.

You and DH need to work out what rules you both think are appropriate for DD- how much independence she can get and what restrictions she still needs, and the consequences for pushing the limits. You also need to BOTH get into the habit of asking her "What did mom/dad say about doing that?" before giving her permission to do anything- in case she tries to pull the "Mom said no, so ask Dad" (or vice versa) thing again.

You also need to talk to your DD about appropriate behavior at the park. Permission to go to the park means permission to go to the park and back home again, period. It does NOT mean permission to go to the store or to another friend's house or to get into ANYBODY's car. Part of this discussion is about actual safety, and part of it is about respect.

The last little trip to the store was disrespectful to the neighbor mom. It was also disrespectful to you and your DH because you didn't know where she was. Had you come to the park to look for her, you would have been worried.

Whenever I give my kids a new freedom, it's always accompanied by a long talk about expectations. It's also usually accompanied by "I'm letting you do this today, and we'll see how it goes. I may decide you're not quite ready for this and not let you do this again the next time you ask."