Nature vs nurture | Imamother

Seraph

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 11:24 am

If your kids are well behaved, do you think they are that way by nature, or because of your exemplary parenting?
And if your kids are not generally well behaved, do you think they are that way by nature or because of not so exemplary parenting?

In other words, how much credit do you take for how your kids are turning out?
Do you judge others when their kids are a certain way, that their parents must be x types of parents if the kids are y type of kids?

mom23

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 11:56 am

chocolate moose wrote:

If they are well behaved, of course I take full credit. When they misbehave ... that's nature, of course !!!!!

I like your answer!

I do think some of my children are just more easygoing by nature. I believe that my children not mastering a certain expectation that I have from them does in part have to do with my parenting style. What works for one kid may not work for another.

I think it's a combination of both. Some of my children respond better to my parenting style and I have to adjust my parenting style for some of my children to what will work for them.

gryp

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 12:00 pm

It's like when people tell me I have such well-behaved kids, and say they must have been born that way.
(Posting as my 2 yr old hits my 1 yr old on the head with a stick he made out of his toys.)
Who knows, maybe they were.

chocolate moose

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 12:02 pm

GR wrote:

some children, of course, have a more gentle nature than others.

GR, be happy it's only a toy. It could be worse !!!

gryp

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 12:08 pm

Oh yes, I know. Smile

Quote:

some children, of course, have a more gentle nature than others.

I don't mean to go off-topic but this has been bugging me. Why is it that my two boys in school are considered the ones with "social problems" and recommended for therapy since they'd never hurt another kid and don't even hit back when they're bullied by the same kid every day? How come the bullies aren't the ones who are considered to have the social skill problems? Why is it so backwards?

ruthla

Thu, Jun 18 2009, 10:45 am

It's a combination of the two! Some kids are more easygoing by nature. Some kids are more challenging. Then other kids start out easygoing then get more challenging because they haven't gotten the attention they needed. And of course the opposite also works- challenging kids can turn into little angels because they've gotten what they needed.

I try not to judge other mothers (or fathers) when I see them out, interacting with their kids. I understand what it's like to feel overwhelmed at times, how kids can push parents' buttons, and how parents can snap at their kids under stress, even if they're normally very gentle, quiet parents.

When people tell me how wonderful DD1 is, I consider myself "lucky", not smug. DD2 had almost the exact same parenting, but she's just a different person and not one who inspires parental praise as often.

I see it as my job to help my kids turn out the best they can be. Each child has a different potential. I've definitely seen my son being "nowhere near his best" the past few months, and I'm working on making things better for him.

louche

Thu, Jun 18 2009, 11:47 am

I'd be happy to take credit for my exemplary children, but I cannot. They are a product of many factors: parents, grandparents, teachers, neighbors and a neighborhood, friends, as well as their own inborn characteristics. There are nice things my children do that I don't remember teaching them but may have done, other nice things they don't do without being nagged, still others they do that I'm sure I never taught because they're contrary to my nature, but maybe they're part of their nature. After all, only half of their genetic legacy is mine, and their father is a very nice guy.

Also, when I read about the horrifying things that some people's children do--and by horrifying I mean not necessarily vicious or evil, but also stupid or unsafe--that my children didn't, I think the KBH must have known I wouldn't be able to handle such shenanigans and made sure my crew didn't do those things. I'd love to think that they didn't do these things b/c I taught them not to, or because they were always carefully looked after, but I have to assume that my friends also told their children not to shove peanuts up their noses or jump on a trampoline in front of an open window. Yet their children did and do, and mine didn't or don't. So it must be nature.

amother

Thu, Jun 18 2009, 1:42 pm

I think a lot of it is nature, for both good and bad. DS#1 was a hellion in preschool, K, 1st and 2nd grades. I really didn't think DH and I were going to survive it. 3rd grade it was like somebody flipped a switch, and since then (now in high school) he has been really an exemplary boy in mentschlichkeit - and his studies also.

DS#2 on the other hand, has always been easy. He's got a sunny personality; he's neat and orderly and responsible (elementary teachers LOVE him)

DD#3 and DS#4 fall in the middle. We'll see how they are when they're a bit older.

I don't think that our parenting was different enough from child to child to account for the HUGE difference b/n DS#1 and DS#2 in particularly. I do think that there were some temperamental differences, though. Even things like DS#1 being incredibly picky/sensitive about food, clothing, etc., harder to get onto a schedule, having more difficulty with transitions - there were just a lot of little things that combined made life pretty difficult until he matured enough to grow out of them. Once he outgrew them, everything was fine.

sneakermom

Wed, Jul 01 2009, 4:58 pm

I think the nature of the child is always there. Then comes our reaction to it. So much of our own expectations and limitations are what create the child's personality and behavior.

However if the child was born with a mood disorder, or adhd, or any neurological issue than the nature can be more dominant but that still doesn't undermine the role of parents in molding the child a certain way.

rexie

Wed, Jul 01 2009, 5:22 pm

I believe that although it's a combination of both, nurture is a much stronger factor in shaping a child. I strongly feel that children are molded by how they are brought up. A child who has a naturally happy disposition but has parents who are not fully competent (not affectionate/loving enough, yell in front of the children, etc...) will be negatively affected by this and act out.
I was just reading an article a few days ago on jpost.com showing how infants who experience trauma as babies have behavioral issues years later.