Is this wrong? | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

Is this wrong?

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amother

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 5:28 am

I have heard that somebody I know locks her 3 year old son in his room with the light off to go to sleep. It has been happening ever since he could get out of bed and walk out of the room. He screams and goes crazy as he can't get out, and apparently people have noticed he is developing personality issues e.g. he is a very nervous child, insecure, etc. Aside from what it may be doing to his mental health, there could be potential risks eg he could really hurt himself or CHV there could be a fire and he could not let her know other than by screaming, which is ignored.

Could the two be related? Is it wrong to do this to your kid?

What do people think?

maidale

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 5:50 am

Sounds like child abuse to me. Which normal person would lock a 3 yr old in a dark room? I understand she's frustrated, probably at wits end, but this is certainly not a way to go. Might give her peace in the short run, but will do loads of emotional and psycological damage to the child in the long run.

amother

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 6:01 am

That's what I think. The problem is many people have expressed this view to her and it doesn't seem to make any difference, she is the type of person who does what she wants. She would never see it as child abuse as this is the way she was raised. I really don't know what to do because I fell duty-bound to protect the child but I don't know how to go about doing it.

grin

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 6:21 am

I would speak to the mother and threaten to report her to child services if she don't stop doing this - yes, it is a very dangerous practice and you say that there is even already evidence of mental disturbances.

HindaRochel

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 6:54 am

I do not believe it is safe or healthy to lock a child in a room in that manner, but I wouldn't call it child abuse.
Just very unwise.

happymom

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 7:39 am

I think it is wrong and bad for the child. it will traumitize him and probably cause issues in this child

amother

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 7:40 am

I would call the services if I saw that happening or hear dabout it

cdawnr

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 9:36 am

Also, speak to a rav. I think I once heard something about an issur on locking a child in a room. (Closing the door with you right out side is one thing...locking it is another!)

sky

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 10:11 am

cdawnr wrote:

Also, speak to a rav. I think I once heard something about an issur on locking a
child in a room. (Closing the door with you right out side is one thing...locking it is another!)

I've also heard this that you cannot lock a child in his room based on some halacha - but I'm not actually sure.

PAMOM

Thu, Jul 09 2009, 10:20 am

Actually, I checked with a friend who works for DHS. It IS considered child abuse in most states. She said if you make an anonymous phone call to the child abuse hotline, they will come out and investigate. They will NOT typically remove the child if there are no other signs of abuse but they will talk to the parents and warn them.

Marion

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 6:59 am

Wow. People need to learn to butt out. There are several GOOD reasons I can think of to lock a child in his or her room.

1. Safety. Eventually they outgrow playpens, and it could be that something is going on (bleach used, a glass dropped & broken, repair work with dangerous tools) that warrants keeping them in one safe place until the situation is resolved.

2. Punishment. There's less & less you can do before other people decide how you can discipline your child. Locking him/her in his/her room for 10 minutes to have some thinking time about what he did (I'm tired of double typing everything) is pretty effective.

3. Time out. Better to lock a child in his room than to have a situation escalate to out of control. Sometimes it's less a time out for the child and more a time out for you to take a deep breath.

Want more?

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 8:06 am

Marion wrote:

Not the situation presented by the OP

Marion wrote:

2. Punishment. There's less & less you can do before other people decide how you can discipline your child. Locking him/her in his/her room for 10 minutes to have some thinking time about what he did (I'm tired of double typing everything) is pretty effective.

Not the situation presented by the OP

Marion wrote:

3. Time out. Better to lock a child in his room than to have a situation escalate to out of control. Sometimes it's less a time out for the child and more a time out for you to take a deep breath.

Want more?

Not the situation presented by the OP

And the OP mentioned that she feels that the actions she presented in her original post are contributing to this child's growing emotional instability.

Marion

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 8:25 am

JC wrote:

Marion wrote:

Not the situation presented by the OP

Marion wrote:

Not the situation presented by the OP

Marion wrote:

Not the situation presented by the OP

And the OP mentioned that she feels that the actions she presented in her original post are contributing to this child's growing emotional instability.

I was responding to the poster above me who said that this locking a child in a room is considered abusive behaviour in many states, as well as to the amother and others who would report such a parent to social services.

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 10:11 am

Marion wrote:

But the people responding to the post were responding to the original situation, where a mother is habitually locking a child in his room for the night screaming as a means of putting him to sleep (and thinking there is nothing wrong with it). The woman who asked her friend in Child Services and got the answer that it is abuse in many states -was talking about THIS TYPE of situation, not about the broken glass in the hallway, child locked in the room till you clean it up situation, or even the time out.

And really, aside from the broken glass, I dont think the other reasons were GOOD reasons to lock a child in a room, they may be a way to deal with the situation but certainly not the best way, and definitely NOT a GOOD reason to lock a child in a room.

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 10:44 am

JC wrote:

Marion wrote:

I don't know. I think it depends on the child, but I can certainly see valid reasons to lock a child in his room at night. Let's say the parents sleep very deeply and hte child is prone to wandering hte house at night -- that's incredibly dangerous. If there's an easy to open lock from the outside (so no delay in emergency), I don't think it's automatically child abuse.

This situation is very different for two reasons:
1) he screams and she ignores him -- that's incredibly dangerous because she'll never know if he's really hurt and needs help. And he could hurt himself by getting hysterical and trying ot get out... My mother is not an attachment parent by any stretch of the imagination, but she always checked if a baby cried because she had a friend whose policy with little ones was feed every 3 hours and ignore in between (how horrible is that?) -- she had a colicky baby she would leave in a playpen in the most remote bedroom so she didn't have to hear him screaming in between feedings. Well, it was one of the bad playpens from the 80s, and one day she came in for the routine feeding to find that the playpen had collapsed on the baby, severing two of his fingers, and he had been screaming in agony and terror for hours.

2) the boy is becoming traumatized. That means it's not being done well. If you have a three year old who is used to being alone, goes to bed quietly, wakes up to find the door locked and goes back to play wiht toys in his crib -- fine. (I still wouldn't do it, because I want to know when my kids wake up, but so far I haven't had one of those children who wakes up in the middle of the night and goes downstairs to "bake a cake" with the cleaning materials.) But if he's hysterical and scared, that's abusive.

ValleyMom

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 10:52 am

FYI
NO CHILD (ESPECIALLY A 3 YEAR OLD) IS GOING TO SIT IN A DARK ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE ON WHAT HE HAS DONE WRONG...
I don't know hwo came up with the concept of time out but it is not natural for a young child to spend time contemplating their misdeeds.. More likely they are thinking about how "bad" their mommy or daddy is, or how "mean" they are... Time out is really for the parents to cool off so they don't resort to physical or verbal reactions.
As a teacher I NEVER EVER use time out as a means for discipline. Research has shown time and time again it just doesn't work.
As far as locking a child in a room... I strongly urge the OP to begin saving up for major therapy...

mom71

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 10:54 am

please !
That's real abuse! no matter what you can never lock a child in his room and just walk away and ignore. I understand MAYBE for a few minutes, but for the whole night ???? and ignore all the cries. All I can say is poor child. This can traumitize him forever!

ValleyMom

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 11:03 am

I think maybe the mom should l"ock herself into a dark room" for a while... Maybe she needs to calm herself down. Let her husband handle the kids while she is giving herself some time away!!!
We all have those moments where the kids are really over-the-tope and we want to pull our hair and scream.... The best temporary solution is five minutes (or more if possible) of quite mommy time.
WHAT'S NEXT?
Tying your child to a chair??! I mean seriously??! How could anyone think that locking a child in a dark room for HOURS is a possible solution to wandering the house at night?????!!!

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 11:06 am

I know that my sister locks he kids room at night after hes asleep bc in the morning , his younger sister tends to go in his room and wake him up.. I always thought it was a little weird and not something I would ever think of doing, dont know if ide call it child abuse unless hes creaming to come out and nobody goes to him

Seraph

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 11:14 am

ValleyMom wrote:

WHAT'S NEXT?
Tying your child to a chair??! I mean seriously??!

I worked in a day care where this was "standard practice" for times when they wanted the kids attention- they'd strap even the somewhat older kids into chairs so that they'd sit still for the "event", like music class... It seemed VERY wrong to me...

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