Son coming home "not exactly Shomer Shabbos"

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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chocolate moose

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 11:03 am

To begin with, DS is 18 and has been "at risk" all his life.

When DH called the yeshiva (a nurturing yueshiva/college program in E"Y) to find out about his progress, the day before he came home, he was told that DS felt "forced to comply outwardly with our rules" and restrictions all of his life, does not want to do this anymore, and hasn't been S.S. for years.

So - he came home last night, without his beard (and tzitzis, as far as I could tell), unloaded his stuff, showered and went out with his friends.

He just said, "he'd speak to us tonite".

Without any real details, I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Crayon210

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 11:12 am

I'm sorry, SaraG! :-(

red sea

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 11:21 am

SaraG, I think that as hard as it is, at most you should just tell the kid on this topic, that while he knows that you disapprove of his choices you still love him and hope one day he finds his way in religoin, and drop it, completely, if you do not need to do this it may even be better not to bring it up at all. Is he in a kiruv type yeshiva with a great rep for success? If not you might consider doing that, there are quite a few in Israel. Try to bite your tongue and just treat him like your son that you love while he's home. These are my thoughts. Good luck. Its a tough situation.

Mandy

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 12:12 pm

On the other hand, this is your house and you can set up certain rules in which way he will behave when he is at home. You love him and are interested in his thoughts and plans, etc. but while he is in your home he can be expected to follow certain rules : curfew, not being mechallel shabbos b'farhesya, no drugs or drinking if that is an issue, and whatever other basic rules you need.

It is the same regardless of the religious issue or the child/parent issue. If I have guests staying in my home, I expect them to follow certain rules- no loud music, no bad language, no coming home at all hours etc.

My advice is to set down a few basic rules and if he follows them, ignore everything else. If he does not follow them, then tell him you love him very much and will be happy to see him back to visit when he is able to comply.

DefyGravity

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 12:15 pm

I agree with Mandy.
If you're overly harsh with him, then he'll just move out and then he'll have even more freedom.
You're entitled to your rules, but don't go overboard.

chocolate moose

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 12:19 pm

I guess that's why I never really knew "where he was holding", b/c that stuff was always done "out of the house." Away from impressionable DD, at least.

Back in old VA in the 70's, my dad always said, whatver you want to do, you can do at home. I think he said that b/c he wanted to keep an eye on us. Anyway, it wasn't like we ever did anything!!!!!!!!!

Be that as it may, DH and I CHOSE to be Lub; we came after high school. Maybe I'm wrong, but I care more that he be really Shomer Shabbos and Shomer Kashruth, on whatever level, then he fake caring about Lub. chumras and minhagim!

TzenaRena

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 1:29 pm

My heart goes out to you SaraG.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom to advise you, but other's here are giving some sound advice.

This should only be a temporary stage, and you should have true Yiddishe, Chassidishe nachas from him. I have a few friends who are dealing with this problem, and one of them amazes me with her bitachon, that her son will find his way back completely. And we know a few who actually did come back.

Keep on davening for him. Hashem hears our tefillos.

Last edited by TzenaRena on Wed, Mar 29 2006, 1:33 pm; edited 1 time in total

southernbubby

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 1:29 pm

I have several friends who have exactly your story. The kids had difficulty from the time they were small. I think that they try to keep it from becoming a power struggle and figure that at least the food he eats at home is kosher. While the kid may not keep the entire Shabbos, they are happy that he attends a meal. You are very smart for not making an issue out of chumras and trying to simply hang on to the relationship. Many times, because people are most comfortable with the familiar, the kids make more religious choices when they settle down in life, especially if they don't see it as losing a power struggle.

gryp

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 2:40 pm

SaraG, im sorry you have to go through this.
the heartache is unimaginable.

Remember that he is trying to find himself, find where he fits in this world. you can guide him gently.
Most boys that age that I know who went off, eventually came back because it took them a few years to find themselves until they realized where and what and who they want to be.

perhaps you would like to take him to a professional Rabbi who talks to these "at risk" kids, and figures out with them why they should keep frum?

How you answer him will stay in his mind for a very long time.
angry blowups will probably lead nowhere and leave a bad impression, I would be just very sad, very disappointed including tears, and very upset in a controlled way.

I agree with Mandy about setting some basic rules in your home.

It is a terrible time for the parents to go thru, when their adult children decide they need to find themselves in other places, rather than how they were brought up.

try and concentrate on the small picture.
win tiny battles- if he shows up for Shabbos meal, if he says "Boruch Hashem," if he acts kindly to others, if he puts on Tefillin that day.

try and strengthen him little by little, and hopefully it will have an effect on him as a whole.

This "finding himself" period should be very very short, and may we all (especially you and your family) merit to see much Nachas from him.

I will keep him in mind when I daven.
May Moshiach come already to un-confuse our struggling youth. Crying

chocolate moose

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 3:01 pm

Thank you everyone!!!!!!

I was half-expecting an anonymous Amother to poke up and say something nasty.

Appreciate it!

Mama Bear

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 5:14 pm

Oy Sara. I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart really goes out to you.
You've been through enough...

shopaholic

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 5:16 pm

Sara - Yasher Koach to you for not posting anonymously. Wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. Good luck to you.

shoy18

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 5:42 pm

I agree with mandy, yelling and accusing him wont get you anwhere, set up some ground rules for him while under your roof, rules that wont drive him away because that wont help you. Also what GR said, find a teen at risk rabbi he can speak to. I know a Rabbi here in flatbush that can help, however, he isnt lub, so I dont know if it will be of help to you.

Tefila

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 5:51 pm

Quote:

have guests staying in my home, I expect them to follow certain rules- no loud music, no bad language, no coming home at all hours etc.

The difference here is with guests you don't mind if they go elsewhere whereas with ones child one does Exclamation

Those rules are all good in theory but wouldn't you want to be able to monitor him more in your home.

I know someone who had a similar situation but instead of going out to do it. He was permitted to have a t.v and all his garbage papers in his room and his room only!! And on shabbos they got a timer for him so he wouldn't be tempted to be mechallel shabbos.

A mother should try to be open to him, a listening ear even with all his shtus and then can perhaps influence him to do things right. You right now cannot be his teacher but his friend since he has other friends.... who knows girls boys etc.

alot of times I have seen in these cases they go through a teen phase and get out of it. Hope this will happen here. Hatzlacha I feel for you (((()))))

Last edited by Tefila on Thu, Mar 30 2006, 9:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

happyone

Wed, Mar 29 2006, 11:28 pm

I'm sorry SaraG. May g-d give you the strengh and siyata dishmaya with how to deal with this difficult nisayon.
((((hugs))))

chocolate moose

Thu, Mar 30 2006, 10:04 am

Aw..thanks! Anyone else?

amother

Thu, Mar 30 2006, 12:23 pm

in this weeks jewish press- march 31st

their is a story on the cover of the jewish press

about

this subject!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 good luck Surprised

gryp

Thu, Mar 30 2006, 1:37 pm

SaraG, how is he doing at home?

girlsmom

Thu, Mar 30 2006, 1:39 pm

GR wrote:

SaraG, how is he doing at home?

and how are you doing with him at home?

flippinout

Thu, Mar 30 2006, 9:30 pm

I have a sis in law who is a little "off the rails" (shes 21) she has her own room and what she does behind closed doors is anyones guess but over the past 6 months or so she is starting to respect everyone and everything alot more, she comes to at least one shabbos meal and helps my mom in law around the house and with the younge kids.....

All I can say is kol hakavod to my inlaws for putting up with her meshigasen and giving her breathing space.....

My father in law asked Da'as Torah what to do and B''H its working!!

Sara G - Good luck and im sure he'll work it out in the end!

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